h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*picks up a from the stage and puts it behind her ear, like a pencil,

Curious, she creeps to the edge of the stage and peers at the audience*

Excuse me, Mr. B4, but either your seat has come to life and is trying to eat you, or you are doing Yoga very, very baddly. Do you need help?

Mmmrrffl-urg-guhlrrguhl, Thurrthl-ow... (comes from under the tails of the trenchcoat)

(B4 wiggles his feet and waggles his arms, then--finally!--gets the trenchcoat pulled back off his face enough to see the furry little paw being proffered in assistance.)

Ah, Thistle Howl! It IS you! Why, thank you [umpf!] so much for [unk!] lending a hand so [Urk!] I can get disen--[Ouch!]--tangled from this voracious theatre seat.

(He squirms enough to reach out and take hold of Thistle's paw. Assisted by the extra leverage, he veritably pops out of the seat to his feet. The cushion of the chair rattles back and forth, almost as if it were hungry teeth chattering for more fodder.)

Eeek! It... is... ALIVE!

(He turns back to face the cute little wolf-like waif with the overly large hairbow betwixt her fuzzy little ears and smiles.)

Thanks! But quick now, li'l Miss! Go take another bow! You deserve to be in the limelight for a while...

(He shoos her away gently, whisking his hands toward her as if sweeping her back onto the Stage. He then stands fully erect, leaning against the back of the row of seats next up front of his and resumes his high-spirited appraisal of the production.)

Bravo! Another bow! Come on wi'ye! What a wonderful Pantomime production! Do give us a smile now!

B4

*from the back of the theatre, the Stage Manager speaks through a microphone*

Ladies and Gentlemen and Entities! It gives me great pleasure to invite all of you to a party in the Lobby of this theatre. There are refreshments and you will have an opportunity to mingle with the cast, obtain autographs, and bask in their several talents.

There will also be an awards ceremony.

Thank you.

*loud scuffing noises and a shrill squeal of feedback, abruptly cut off*

Awards ceremony? Oh my...

Come on Ripley, we wouldn't want to miss this!

*drifting off towards the lobby with the unau hanging on her back*

How exciting!

*follows T*

(B4 cools his jets about all the applause, checks to make sure he has his satchel and all his other paraphernalia, jumps slightly when his gaze falls upon the theatre seat, then he begins to back out of the row of seats into the main aisle. With ever-increasing speed, he makes his way to the double-doors into the Lobby.)

B4

Clip, clop, THUNK, CLUNK, clop.

*Buttercup surveys the stage* she now appears to have six legs of unequal*

[Front]: We missed the final bow!
[Back]: We had to wait for the plaster to set. Ruddy dwarves. What a place to leave a hole.
[Front]: Fancy a gin?
[Back]: Gorgonzola! Just what I need. Lead the way.

THUNK, clip, clop, CLUNK, clop

*Henrietta looks around the empty stage as if surprised to find herself there*

Hello, is anyone there? Anyone?

*exits stage right*

*Gladys the descends from the flies*

*addresses the empty auditorium*

Well? Shall we go?

*shifts position as if to become another character*

Yes, let's go.

*she does not move*



*after a while*

Eat your heart out Samuel Beckett!

*exits stage right*

*The curtain, which has been drawn for the time being, now opens. The Gingerbread House backdrop has been removed and replaced with a neutral background all the better to showcase the proscenium's new star, a rainbow of trophies, most of them in the form of eggs. Ranging from crystal through various metals to rare woods, the trophies are arranged, each on its own Cup, on either side of two speaker's stands. Evidently one stand is for Mr. Clintwood, while the other is for the winners to speak in turn*

*A security detail scans the area thoroughly then returns to the Lobby*

*Immaculately dressed and made up, and leaving the aroma of her perfume in her wake, Pansy arrives in the room. She takes her place at the front in the centre and sits down on the "Reserved" sign to hide it, just in case it isn't meant for her.*

*takes a seat up close up front, placing Ripley in the seat next to her*

*sits next to T and focuses a megawatt on Mr Clintwood*

He's even more lovely in the flesh

Oh yes - those bright blue eyes for one thing, and that weather-beaten face... *sighs*

*takes a seat with Titania and Caewynn in the audience section, leaving Ms. Ffing resplendent in the actors' enclosure*

In his 70's and still the best-looking man I ever saw...


Is someone in here wearing Tabu?

*arranges herself to best advantage in her seat and smiles longingly at East Clintwood*

*Makes her way to a seat near the ladies that practically tripped over each other to get up front.*

<(thought bubble)>

I don't know what everyone sees in him. The guy doesn't do a thing for me.

</>

*Also immaculately dressed, the Farmer's Wife takes a seat on the aisle in the front row and waits for the program to begin*

*the mice scurry in and hop up on the seat next to the Farmer's Wife*

1. Hi Vivian.
2. How's it hangin', Viv?
3. Is that really East Clintwood?

1. *whistles theme meme from a certain spaghetti western*
2. *throatily* Go ahead. Make my day.
3. Shut up! We want an audition, don't we?

[Having followed the entourage into the Theatre, B4 once again scouts for a good seat. He's just about to park his carcass when he turns around quickly and glares down at the folding seat at the center of the row of seating. He trepidatiously reaches out toward the armrest, but before he actually makes contact with it, the lower seat cushion begins to rock up and down of its own volition, as if it were teeth chattering and clacking together. B4 back-pedals rapidly to the end of the aisle and checks the seat there for any signs of motility. Finding it to be as inanimate as one would normally expect, he makes himself comfortable, though he still looks nervously around the Auditorium, like a hare about to venture into a greensward known to be frequented by foxes.]

This is as exciting as taking a field trip with Alice Little...

B4

*enters and sits next to Pansy*

What a lovely long run this production has been, looks as if it will end just in time for the new season of panto.