h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*dashes for the wrong X, barely avoids stomping on Duckie, shifts, whirls, and hits her own mark. In stage wisper...*

Duckie, you are lookin' good! Lookin' real good!

*addresses audience, and cast*

I'm so happy to be here.
Forgive the free-verse,
but my feelings are too strong to force
into rhyme.
I'm a modern American character,
and Panto is an old and honored European art.
I've tried to fit in, and I think I've done well,
but sometimes it feels as if the plugs are all different,
and you need an adapter.
But you have all worked so hard,
to make me feel welcome,
that if I haven't fit in,
it's my fault, not yours.
And in the end it doesn't mater,
because it has all been just wicked cool!
And I'm just so happy to be here!

*curtsies, then dashes off to the wings*

*applauds*

*wolf *

Oh dear, I do hope that wasn't inappropiate!

*The stage manager strides to center stage and opens his arms wide to encompass the entire troupe*

*He has dressed up to resemble William Shakespeare*

Mother Goose hath well predated us
And writ the pithy rhymes of this chorus.
Were ever there a more deserving cast
Of your applause and rosy flowers cast?

Behold them now en masse, this doughty crew
That striveth many months to regale you
Bestow upon them thy appreciation
With thundrous applause and a standing ovation!

After the show, let one and all repair
T'the lobby, party viands and fresh air.
There will be trophies for the actors' scenes
And contractual fulfillment for their means.

*waves the actors and extras onto the stage*

Ladies, Lords, and Groundlings, The Mother of All Gooses!!!!

*Bows, links arms with the Stranger.*

<-- stands on hind legs and bows

*curtsies*

*skips to the middle of the stage, curtsies very dramatically and then looks up to see if there are any flowers being thrown*

*Throws flowers at the stage.*

All for me? Thank you!!!

*Turns round and bends over to pick up the flowers, giving the audience a view of her voluminous Union Jack bloomers*

**Subduing a strong urge to salute, Purr in Boots instead smiles with a thoroughly disarming Cheshire Cat grin. He bows low to the Audience, his violin tucked under one arm, the bow in the other. As the applause washes over the stage, he waves the bow in an ever higher arc until the clapping and cheers rise to a thunderous crescendo. His smile seems to extend from ear to ear as he stands to full stature, then he discreetly wipes a small tear from his eye with the back of one paw.**

[Purr] Yeou arre too kind, maiy merry ffolk, too kind indeed! Ai thank yeou frrom the bottom of maiy... [he glances back to where Ms. Ffing is still doubled over] ...the bottom of Pansy's hearrt!

**He chuckles and strikes up a little tune on his violin, just barely audible over the applause. It's a merry arrangement with a light-hearted overtone and a bouncy refrain. He steps gingerly backward to let the next Cast Member take a bow and plays with even greater fervor.**

*resists the urge to take a bow and applauds enthusiastically instead*

Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore!

*unsure whether to bow or curtsie, decides to go for it instead. She does a cartwheel to center stage and end in a split.*

*whisks off her beret, but not the mask, effects an elaborate flourish and bow*

Not an encore! We'll be here another 6 months!


*stands to applaud* Bravo! Bravo!

(B4 stands on his theatre seat, unafraid that the LARGE Induhvidual might snatch him down and reprimand for such a poor showing of etiquette, and proceeds to whistle loudly. He keeps this up for some time, pausing only to get a breath or shout--)

Bravisimo! Author, Author! Well Done!!!

(He cranes his neck and goes up on his tip-toes--a precarious position, indeed, while standing on the arms of a theatre seat--and stretches as far as he can to see the last bit of action. The laws of gravity, friction, physics, physiology, and Murphy--being what they are--conspire amongst themselves and come to a swift juxtaposition at the soles of B4's shoes and the shellacked wooden arms of his chair. It begins as a tiny tremor in his ankles, which translate to a parting of the two surfaces, which then slide past each other, causing a change in his center of balance, thereby sending his derriere downward like a lead weight and his coat upward like an ineffectual parachute, ending with B4 wedged in the partially opened seat with his knees to his chest, his armpits flung upward by the armrests, his trenchcoat draped over his head, and his bottom dangling past the underside of his chair.)

Ow.

Ummmppfff...

Lil? ... Amy? ... Garius? ...

Anyone... care to lend a...
(The applause grows louder still, drowning out his last words.)

*the mice doff their hats and glasses, revealing the fact that they all can see perfectly well*

*bowing*

Thank you kindly!
Thank you kindly!
Thank you kindly!

*there is a splashing sound fromthe water closet*

*a head attached to a long sinuous neck appears around the door*

*the head darts and Eddy catches a rose in his mouth, then nods repeatedly in acknowledgement of the applause*

What is happening? I demand to know what is happening! I cannot see a thing from inside my pumpkin! What is that thunderous sound? Is the theater collapsing? The theater is collapsing! Run! Run!

*Rolls around the stage in a circle*

*A trap door in the stage opens and a yellow periscope rises through it. The periscope swivels around, pausing at the sight of Eddy, then continuing around until it is facing the audience, where it stops. A few moments later, a small gnome-like man climbs out of the trap door onto the stage and bows.*

*applauding loudly*

This has beenthe best panto mime I have ever seen!

Encore! Encore!

*shambles onto the stage and steps on the wee awl's periscope without even noticing. But, as he is in fact ghostly, no damage is done*

*waves happily to the audience with both arms*


WAAAAUUUUURGH!