h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*ties his horse to a velvet rope stanchion and swaggers up to the bar*

I reckon I'll have me a lemonade.

*turns, sees Cinders and stops dead for a moment, his eyes widening. Then he smiles and doffs his hat in a full bow*

An' what will the bella señorita have?

*Pansy looks up with a start at Cinders' beautiful deep crimson ballgown and removes her sunglasses to peer more closely at the Brussels lace.*

Hmmm. What a pretty outfit my dear. I used to have a dress just like that. Used to. Of course I'm sure yours is a larger size than mine was.

:: The LARGE Induhvidual winks at Cinders with a little chuck of his chin in Pansy's direction, then turns to his business as if nothing was inferred. The happy clink of bottles and glasses plays a syncopated rhythm that counterpoints the general conversation growing in volume in the Lobby. Then he turns back to face the gathering throng and starts distributing the drinks. ::

[LARGE]
(to The Swan): I've taken the liberty to prepare a Canadian Mist, on the rocks, in a very tall glass. Slice of lemon and a shot of bitters on the side. Good to tide you over on the flight North, I'd say.

(to the Mysterious Stranger): For you, sir. Triple Sec in a broad-rimmed glass, wedge of lime, and a saucer sprinkled with salt. Don't try to make it disappear too quickly, sir...(he eyes the Stranger)...as it might compound a current condition...

(to the Three Blind Mice): Oh, you three will love this...!
:: He places a model of a 1940's vintage "gangster-mobile" on the counter and sets it rolling in their direction. Atop the bonnet is a topped-off Bloody Mary in a chilled tumbler, complete with three bendable straws. The model car stops just beside them and idles gently. ::
(again to the Mice): As for your choice of liquid refreshment, I won't presume it was meant as any sort of social commentary, eh, gents?

(to Billy the Kid): Ah, now I wouldna have figured you as the sort of "pardner" to go so lightly on the liquor on a lavish occasion such as this, sir. (in an odd British/Western accent) In that thar frosted Mint Julep glass you're gonna find the best lemonade to be found in these parts. I anticipated you might want a chaser, which you'll find in the little silver flask on the tray.

(to Cinders): Dear pretty Miss Cinders, you haven't voiced a preference, so I hope you'll pardon my presumption at preparing a lightly chilled Chablis. I believe it will suit your merry mood. If I've mis-read you, just let me know what else I might serve you.

:: He proffers the slender wineglass to Cinders, sets it within her easy reach, then steps back to observe and await the next round of orders. ::

*makes friends with Billy's horse, being too shy to address Billy himself*

*takes a big gulp of her glass to fortify herself, then dashes out. She returns a moment later, holding something hidden behind her back. Thistle sidles up to Duckie, acting like a wallflower at the prom working up the nerve to ask someone to dance.*

Ummm...my publisher gives us just a few off these, and this is my last one, I've gone ahead and signed it so...IwantyoutohaveitsoIreallyhopeyou'lltakeit!

*from behind her back she produces a copy of "No Howling In The House" the first book in which Thistle had a staring role. She holds it out to Duckie with both hand, looking as if she'll just die if he doesn't take it.*

*replies to Stranger*

Oh, I'll just have a draft, dear. *glances down at * Er, perhaps you could make that two.

<-- has a pen ready.

*heads for the Swan, only to see that someone else has managed to catch his attention first*

*change course and waddles towards the mice*

*tilts head*

Meep?

*holds out pen and paper*

*sidles up to the Mysterious Stranger - not too close though*

Sir - I was wondering if I could have your autograph, please?

*enters and says to Cinders*

You see? I said you would be the Belle of the Ball and you are welcome to keep everything.

I'll have scrumpy, if there is any, please.

OOooooOOoooOOo ooooOOOo [I think I'll have a beer!]

*An indistinct whitish form drifts behind the bar. A glass floats down from the overhead rack and positions itself under the tap. The tap handle moves back and beer flows into the glass. The full glass lifts up and drifts around in front of the bar again.*

OOOoooooOOOoooo OOO [Man, I've missed beer. This is going to be sooooo good!]

*The glass tips back, the beer pours out of the glass, through the indistinct white shape and forms a puddle on the floor.*

OOOo$##@@%%!*oooo [Dang!]

OoooOOOOooo OO OO OO [Har har har]

OOoooOOOOoooooOoo [shoulda learned by now, Zello]

ooooooOOOOOOOOo [Hey, I just had an idea!]

*An indistinct whitish shape drifts over near Titania. The pen leaves Titania's hand and begins to write by itself in her book*


Beware the unseen!!!!!!!!!!


OOOoooOOOOOooo [Think I overdid the exclamation marks, Zello?]

*aims a spiritual punch at the ghost's of Rebjello spiritual nose*

You forget who you're trying to kid, butch! You think we elves can't see you?

*snatches back the pen and paper and offers them to the Mysterious Stranger again*

*The loud ringtone of Pansy's mobile phone can be heard all round the room. The tune is "I'm a woman - w.o.m.a.n.". Pansy reaches into the pocket of her fur trimmed coat and loudly answers it.*

Hello? .... No, I'm not on the train. I'm at the party before the awards. I thought I'd get here early and meet my public. I'm being *absolutely* charming to everyone and I really don't know what you were worried about. Although if I'm forced to wait much longer before I get to sit down I can't be held responsible....

What? .... A job? .... Have you looked through the contract? Is there nudity? You know I have principles and I'm only taking my clothes off if it's absolutely essential to the plot and done artistically.

Oh.... I see.... Charity. *sniff* Guest appearance.... They want me to do WHAT???.....

*Pansy looks round the room and spots Titania*

Yes, she's here.... Talk to her? *tut* Oh well, if I must.

*Pansy ends the call and turns to Titania.*

Hey, you! My agent says I have to speak to you. If it's easier, just leave me a message on my page.

*meanwhile looking around*
Where's Buttercup the Pantomime Cow? She should be good for two autographs!

CLUNK, clip, THUNK, clop, clip

[Front]: Make way. Emergency!
[Back]: Mine's a double!

*Back lashes out blindly with her crutches as Buttercup makes her way with remarkable speed to the bar*

[Little Miss Muffet]: Oh there you are Gladys! I saved you something to eat.

*Gladys the rapidly climbs up a pillar to keep safely out of the whey*

*sits on the bar watching proceedings*

*slips in quietly looking slightly dazed*

*sips her Chablis and smiles shyly at Billy*

*turns to Robyn*

You are sure I can keep these things?

No one has ever been so kind to me before! I don't know how I can bear going back to my Step Mother after all the fun we've had.