h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There always has to be a place where the audience can come out for air and a cup of tea, and discuss the show. This is it.

*gets some cups ready*

*walks to the center of the lobby and claps her hands for attention*

Ladies, gentlemen and entities! I am sorry to have to inform you that, during today's opening ceremonies, one web page was inadvertently left out of the Mother of All Gooses Experience. It was my page, not Amy's. That page has now been inserted. It would be giving too much away to tell you just where that page is, but if you have already toured the island I am sure that the trip will be much easier the second time around.

I apologise for the convenience.

*Lil slinks away*

Hey there, do y'all only have pomme frittes and pork pies or do you have sodas and popcorn? No, wait! I saw some other folks in there with that stuff. :: Taps nervously on the counter. :: Um, decisions, decisions... Okay, I'll take some o'those, one o'them, and a whole slew o'that stuff. Oh yeah! Cool. Thanks! :: Bounds back toward the seating area. ::

B4idropsomething

*fails to stiffle a chortle and shakes his head*

*canes a-tapping, three blind mice move purposefully through the lobby on their way to the dressing rooms*

1: Stop dawdling.
2: I smell fresh popcorn.
3. Let's buy a few kernels.
1: There are free refreshments for actors backstage.
2. Ah, free.
3: Stop dawdling.

*the mice move on*

*walks round the mice to the middle of the lobby and looks around, then nods to himself and heads back to his office*

*comes out to the lobby carrying a sign on a silver footstand, which he places in a conspicuous position near the food concession*

CURTAINS OPEN
ON SUNDAY 29 DECEMBER

*staisfied that the sign is balanced and in plain view, the stage manager nods and returns to his office*

Alright, alright, can you put me down now?

:: Wriggles a little, realizing he won't be released until the LARGE induvidual decides to let him go. ::

[B4] Look, I'm sorry if I disrupted the Panto. Just got carried away. Here! Take the camera, okay? Keep it safe and I'll collect it "awfter the production", alright?

[LARGE] Thawnk you very much, kind Sir. You may return to your seating at this time. Mind you, now, try to be still so's naught to disturb the rest of the auwdience. :: Here, he points with his left hand at his right hand, which is pantomiming snatching something brusquely up. ::

[B4] Yes, perfectly clear. Ahem. Well, thank You. I'll be off now.

[LARGE] Do remember... :: Does the pantomime again. ::

[B4] I will. :: Shivers in his coat. He walks resolutely, though not entirely without a smidgen of sulkiness, back to his seat. He mutters just under his breath. :: Where DO they get these bouncers? From some faery tale?

::The LARGE induhvidual strides into the Lobby once again carrying B4 tucked under one arm. He sets him down in a little alcove out of sight and ear-shot of the concession booth and leans down to speak to him. This takes a moment because of the distance he travels...::

[LARGE] Sir, must I consistently interrupt your stay in the Audience?

[B4] ::Beginning to breath again.:: Um... I hope not.

[LARGE] My best suggestion to you, Sir, is to sit quietly in your chair and watch the production. Only. My Mawnager expresses his sincerest admonition to you: Leave the other characters alone to execute the script of the play. Do not disturb the other Guests (or their pets), as that detracts from their enjoyment of the production. Do you understawnd these two basic rules of conduct?

[B4] ::Nods in assent, holding his ribs.:: Yes.

[LARGE] Very good, Sir. You may go.

B4

::After the LARGE induhvidual leaves, B4 stands contemplating his options. The production is too good to miss. His own brand of humour is hard to keep in check. Stay for the rest of the Panto, or cut loose and deal with the consequences? Stay, or play?::

Ah, well...

::He decides to Duck in and sit quietly.::

B4

*floating into the lobby, followed by the very LARGE individual who is carrying B4*

Ahem... *does her best to look even more vague and elf-like and innocent than usual* ...could you please put B4 down before he chokes?

*flutters her eyelashes at the very LARGE individual*

You see Sir - it was all my fault, for bringing my unau with me - oh? What? Unau - two toed sloth, if you know what I mean...

...and I happened to let him out of my sight... * becomingly* ...and he's just a kid, and you can't really blame it on B4 because, in this case, he's the victim! And Ripley is just too young to understand - who? Oh - Ripley - the unau kid...

*tilts her head and looks up at the very LARGE individual, with just a hint of in the corner of her eye, lower lip trembling*

*Carmel, watching Titania from the foot of the pop corn machine, begins to weep piteously. She throws herself at the Very Large individual's feet*

Oh, please, Mister Very Large, Sir, can't you just forgive this one little mistake? I'm sure they didn't mean it...(*there is a long pause as Carmel suddenly realizes she has no idea what the one little mistake is; but Carmel is a sucker for a sob story, or, as in this case, half a sob story*) Please, I'm sure it won't be any bother.

*she dabs her eyes*

Oh, and I hate to be a bother, really I do (snif, snif) but do any of you have a handkerchief? (snif, snif, sob)

*goes to collect more * finds a pack of napkins on the floor behind the counter* hands one to Carmel*

Here you go Carmel . Are you coming back to watch the pantomime? It is only make believe, you know. Thistle Howl has woken up. You like her - she's cute.

(The very LARGE induhvidual sags just a bit at the onslaught of all the pleading from such dear wonderful ladies. He pats Carmel Bunny on the head.)

[LARGE] Oh now, it'll be awlright, Miss. I will talk to the Mawnager and see if he will reconsider.

(He turns to Tiatania, notices her Archangel status and the firm resolve in her eyes, and does a quick reassessment of the situation.)

[LARGE] Well now, Miss Archangel, perhawps I can make a commawnd decision and overlook this situation. Awfter all, our Theatre guests should be made to feel at home here.

(He releases B4 and lumbers off to the Mawnager's Office.)

[B4] Um... Thank you, Carmel. And thank you Very Much, Titania. Whew! Let's get back to the Panto.

(He takes each by the arm and leads back down the aisle.)

[B4] Tea service...? Tea service...! Now where would the 'Mawnagement' store a tea service setting?

(He looks about the ornately furnished lobby for any clue to his quest. Stepping behind the Concession Counter, he hunkers down and 'duck walks' [like he's seen a particular Cast member do] while rummaging among the lower shelves.)

[B4] Hmm... Nothing here. I wonder...

(He rises, banging his noggin on the drop-down counter door.)

[B4] Ouch! Arrgh! Is this really worth it?

(Eyeing the Concession Counter with distrust not to attack anew, he slinks along the floor and around a corner. A LARGE pair of shoes [roughly equivalent in size to the apartment block occupied by The Little Old Woman of nursery rhyme fame] blocks his way. There is a very LARGE Induhvidual inhabiting them, towering up to the ceiling and hunching just a bit to accommodate. He looks at B4 in bemusement.)

[LARGE] May I assist you, Sir?

[B4] (with a nervous chuckle, his voice catching in his throat) Ahem… Well, yes, as matter of fact. I’m attempting to locate a Tea Service for…oh…say about thirty people, just to be on the safe side. It’s for the Cast and the Audience of the Pantomime, you see, as we’re about to take a short break. Um…the kettle’s already on the boil, making this a matter of some urgency.

[LARGE] Well, then perhawps Sir would care to look in yon closet to the left?

(B4 stops trying to ‘become one with the carpet’ and stands to his full height, though it falls woefully short of making an impact on the LARGE Induhvidual. He steps around the Concession to the left, opens the closet door, and—is inundated with all manner of items, both small and large, that come tumbling out to bury him to the waist.)

[B4] What the--?

[LARGE] My mistake, Sir. (There’s an unmistakable twinkle in the LARGE Induhvidual’s eye.) I suppose I meant to say the pawntry just to the right of the Concession.

(B4 spends a few minutes fruitlessly trying to stuff all the paraphernalia back into the closet, but every item he pitches in manages to tumble back out, no matter how fast he works at it. Eventually, the LARGE Induhvidual steps forward, leans down and—with one Island-sized hand—shoves all the junk back inside and closes the door.)

[B4] Right! Well, thank you. (He walks to the other end of the Counter, glares suspiciously at the LARGE Induhvidual, and almost grasps the panty’s doorknob.) This one, then?

[LARGE] (rocks back on his heels and purses his lips) I reckon so, Sir. Sorry about the first go, Sir; never could get the hawng of ‘right’ and ‘left’, even when I was a wee lawd.

[B4] (under his breath) I could believe the former, but never the latter…

[LARGE] Beg pawdon, Sir?

[B4] Oh, nothing…really, nothing.

(He puts his hand on the doorknob, stands to the side where the door will swing, yanks it open and jumps behind the door. The LARGE Induhvidual looks down at him, as if watching a March Hare. B4 peers around the door and sees a pantry of many shelves stocked with delicate place settings and finely wrought tea service sets in several styles.)

[B4] Alright, then. I think this set should do nicely. Almost portrays a country sort of charm without being too ostentatious. Look, dear fellow, could you help me load up my arms with this stuff…?

[LARGE] But of course, Sir! My pleasure.

(With the tea service loaded neatly and decorously onto a large sterling silver tray, B4 makes his way out of the Lobby and back to the Contrary Garden, while the LARGE Induhvidual holds the Theatre doors open for him.)

*peers out, relieved to see that no large person is in site*

*tip toes out nevertheless in order to get a and a *

I'll have a hot dog too. Oh, wonderful, they have fries as well!

::B4 turns from the double-door as it closes and notices two of his favorite Salonistas grabbing a bite at the concession. He sidles up next to them and inhales deeply the aroma of frankfurters and fries. Dreamily, he greets them...::

[B4] G'day, Lil! Hello, Ti! I see you've found the refreshments. Good, are they? ::he sniffs again:: They sure smell good! Wow, that's like the best choice of comfortable food on an evening out. I have so many good childhood memories centered around fun food like this while attending any number of special events.

::He turns from his good acquaintances, still smiling, and leans against the class countertop of the concession. He tries to make out what's displayed on the menu board, but a very LARGE object blocks his view. B4 twitches, startled, then lets his gaze travel up the full height of the server behind the concession counter. It's the very LARGE Induvidual he's met a number of times before.::

[B4] Heh-heh... Hi there... again... Um... I was wondering if I might... that is to say... could I have a...uh, ahem...a hotdog, a cup of fries... or chips, right?... and a cola... please?

::The very LARGE Induhvidual gives one of those 'Mona Lisa' smiles (no small feat for someone with such a huge expanse of face; and what a beatific face for someone with such massive feet) and turns to his task of preparing the victuals. In short order, he rounds back on B4 with all the items neatly prepared and places them on the counter. B4 reaches into a pocket and produces a wad of cash, and with a trembling hand starts to deposit it on the glass surface.::

[LARGE] That will not be necessary, Sir.

::B4 withers noticeably at the sound of the LARGE Induhvidual's voice. He appears to be a rabbit caught in high-intensity headlights.::

[B4] Wha--? Huh... What? I mean... What? Um... What do you mean?

[LARGE] My Mawnager has instructed me to allow you to have 'carte blawnche' at our concession, so that you would feel more at ease.

[B4] Right... Yes, I feel... much more... relaxed now... Ah!

[LARGE] Beg pawdon, Sir?

[B4] Oh, just the soft drink making its little fizzy noises... Thought it was... Well, never mind. Thank you... for the food and drink.

[LARGE] Quite welcome, Sir.

[B4] Yes. Okay. ::He picks up the items and turns to go, perhaps quickly, but doesn't even take one step before--::

[LARGE] Sir.

[B4] ::practically squeaking:: Yes!

[LARGE] Am I correct in understawnding that you, Sir, have been known to stretch the size of a thread?

[B4] What? I don't--

[Large] One of our informa--urhem--stawff has noted that you, Sir, have an uncanny knack for making an incredible amount of space in conversation threads, if you take my meaning.

[B4] Well, I... Let me explain... ::His cheeks flush with embarrassment.:: No, better not. ::He tilts his head and squints his eyes, gazing up at the LARGE Induhvidual.:: Why do you ask?

[LARGE] ::leaning slightly forward and hushing his voice to a mere thundrous rumble:: Well, you see, Sir, I'm finding my surroundings a bit crawmped, what with my innate size. A single thread just never seems to contain enough elbow room for me. So I was wondering, Sir, if you might assist me in finding a bit more freedom to move about, perhaps by stretching this thread, so I'm not feeling quite so much as nipped and tucked in all the wrong places...

[B4] Ah... I see... Or at least I think I do. ::pauses to consider:: Look, stretching the thread is not the answer here. I've been told it's bad form, for one thing, and it wouldn't do you for very long anyway. I have an idea though...

[LARGE] ::leaning closer still:: Yes. Do tell.

[B4] Okay, stand up and lean against... ::surveys the Lobby again:: ...against THAT side of the screen, over there. ::he points::

[LARGE] Over here, Sir? ::He comes around the counter, steps further forward, practically blocking your entire monitor with his girth.::

[B4] ::off camera, slightly muffled:: Yes. Right there. Now lean a little more...

[LARGE] ::there is a squeaking and creaking noise as he puts his full weight against the screen:: Am I doing this right, Sir? ::your whole desktop is rumbling now::

[B4] ::still muffled, off screen:: We’ll know in a―

::There comes the sound of shattering glass (only for a fraction of an instant) and a funny little sound like “foop”. Your whole monitor screen slides sideways within itself, turns itself inside out, then reverses itself as if turning a page. {click the little blue ‘down’ arrow}::