h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A forty foot artic pulls up outside the smallest, muckiest, pokiest, most cobweb-beridden shop. A small figure dressed in black jumps down from the driving seat, unlocks the trailer and starts unloading*

Ah, good day, Granny. I've got you registered, so all's in order.

By the way, have you any black dragon scales? I'm missing a few from my gloves...

*Wanders down musty aisles picking at merchandise*

Hi Gran. Do you have any drugs for controlling orcs, making them fiercer maybe?

black dragon scales......hmmmm, I know I've got some red ones somewhere...... and orc inflamers?

The best thing for that is some orctesterone, make the little blighters go bald tho.......

Here we are, black scales, do you want them with or without holes for sewing onto your gloves? and how many?

Probably without, thankee. Um.

*Looks at gloves.*

Eight or nine. How much would you want? I carry gold, as a preference...

*Picks up a bottle of orctesterone, uncorks it and sniffs*

Eeuuurgh! Foul! Is this stuff actually extracted from orcs? I'll take a crate of it, anyway. I've had enough of my minions bawling just because they've been whipped within an inch of their lives - they need to toughen up a bit. Do you accept Visa or Mastercard?

hard cash please, but I'll make an exception for gold pieces

*hangs sign in shop window*

HELP WANTED,
must like the outdoor life & be fit
own shoes & cough sweets

Ah, then. Very good.

*Drops a pouch of gold on the counter, and proceeds to become ensnared in the cobwebs while trying to leave. He slowly stumbles out the door.*

Nice doing buisness with you...!

Come back again any time, I do a nice little line in love potions

Hullo, just thought I'd stop by. I might find myself coming here fairly often now that I'm allowed to muck about the city. I thought it best that I come'n meet the shopperkeepers that I'm gonna be dealing with.

Bah, alright then...

*Fishes in coat pocket, comes out with a a damp roll of banknotes. Peels off a fifty and drops it on the counter*

Can I have a bag for that? Preferably an airtight one.

*shrink wraps the phial of orctesterone, hands it to Mr Legion & stuffs the grubby note up her knicker leg*

I'll have to get around to getting a till one of these days.

Hello young master Skullock, anything I can get you or are you just browsing? I've got a new line just in, guarranteed to make you a big hit with the ladies?

Just browsing realy, But thanks anyway.

*Wanders in*

Hi Granny.

Do you have any home-brew kits? I thought I'd get one for the Castle.

Home-brew? ,, or I think I might just have a kit somewhere as well? and have you got all the equipment? Demi-johns, casks, filters, empty bottles? corks?

It's for

And I was hoping that you could offer me advice on how best to do it.

*His Divine Shadow (HDS for short) walks in, bending greatly to manage it as he looks like Rubeus Hagrid in everything including height. Waves cheerfully at Granny*

Hiya!, got any Taquila kits?

Whoa, I've been brousing for 5 weeks! Must be some kind of record!

*continues brousing*

*rummages*

Let's see,

*worms & limes fly through the air as Granny emerges from the shadows
dragging a large bag of salt*

I'll just leave this here, it may be of use in this weather....Now I know I had something Mexican.... just help me shift this trunk will you?

Well, I don't know if you were talking to me or someone else, but I'll help any way.

*HDS picks up the trunk, getiing several cobwebs in his hair and beard in the process.*

Where do you want this?