h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Over there please, next to the rug-making kits, & watch out for the feet......

Here we are then..

*emerges from the shadowed corner wearing a sombrero & carrying a large brown paper parcel*

Almost everything you'll need in here, except for the demi-john, the yeast, the bottles, corks, worms, limes, sugar & water.

I suppose you'd like those as well?

*Puts box in the indicated place. Turns to face Granny Weatherwax.*

Sure I'll take some of that sruff.

*HDS moves up to Granny Weatherwax and places gold galions on the counter.*

How manny shall that be?

five for the kit, 1 for the worms & I'll throw the limes in for your custom young man Don't forget to bring Granny a sample for proof testing

Can I get you anything else? A love potion, a herbal draught guarranteed to bring you strength in battle?

*His Divine Shadow payes Granny the gold.*

I won't be needing a love potion, or that strenth draught, the house elves Jade and I employ have come up with a jelly filled doughnut that is like Elvish Lembas times 17! Want me to bring you some when I bring the proof test?

Ooooh please, but blow the sugar off the top will you? It sticks to the paper bag

Hmmm, I know Jade, bow about a nice 'energising' draught? I mean Lembas is , but doesn't really reach the parts Granny's draughts can

*Leaves................Comes back, ing. Has 2 silver elvish runed flasks, hands one to Granny, as well as a that has no sugar on top of it. Raises his glass to Granny in toast.*

To, the first try!

*His Shadow sprinles some salt on his left fist. Licks it, downs a great gulp from his flask, and bites feircely into a lemon.*

Yum! !

*cough...splutter....choke....*

ooooooohhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuurrrrrggggggghhhh remind me to take my pipe out of my mouth next time..........

*bites into quickly*

Well, hope yah like the doughnut atleast. The house elves worked extra hard on that batch.

*His Divine Shadow indicates the doughnut in her hand. Then pulls some of the cobwebs out of his enormouse tangle of black hair.*

The 's just fine, I've got some good snake-oill shampoo in the back, would you like a free sample? Gets rid of cobwebs without needing extra conditioner?

I'll take a case then!

*HDS pulls out the leather bag of gold gallions and drops a small stack of them on the counter.*

*A young woman walks in, followed closely by a wolf.*

Hello? Are you closed? I'm new in town.

Hmm...hope they're open.
*continues browsing*

*finishes counting the stack of gallions & puts them up her knicker leg*

We're just like Arkwrights chuck, we never close what can I get you.....oh and call your wolf off will you the tunrs nasty when cold, wet noses intrude when she's washing

Aaah! Tracer! No!
Sorry about that, he's still....I said NO! Outside! Now!
< > *pulls nose away from cat, grunts, and stalks outside, presumably to hunt something* </ >
Ahem... Sorry about Tracer's behavior. He's still kind of new to this civilization thing.
My name's Scandrea, and I'm new in town. I just opened up the bookstore down the street, and the gremlins I have for security have become a little bit of a problem. Do you have anything to calm them down?
*fishes in pocket, pulls out three silver coins and a washer, and smiles weakly.*
Like I said, I'm new in town, and I really don't have a lot of money yet.

Gremlins eh? Hmmmmm, *rummages under the counter* wasp hair usually does the trick * at the thought of Blackie Lawless* how many gremlins you got then? You'll need one wasp hair leash per gremlin, and they're not that expensive, I'm sure we could come to a deal......

I had five, the last time I checked. I hope that didn't change...

How do I use them?

Ooh! And I'll need some food for Tracer, too. What do you have in the way of venison?

Don't do fresh meat m'dear, just send him into the forest, but warn him to ignore the other wolves, there's a certain lady of the Watch objects to being ravaged at this time of the month - y'know.

Now these leashes, you just attach one to a convenient ear, you'll need a stout bodkin, and they should start working almost immediately

Thanks! I've got to do something to get them under control. I've really let them go wild way too long.

Now...the price...
*Reaches into pocket, digs around for a long time, and pulls out...another washer.* Great.
I don't suppose you would barter, would you? I've got no end of books.

Well, usually I do the wasp hair leashes at a silver groat each, but as I've got a couple of leaking taps...... how good are you at plumbing?

Hmmm... I have a book that could help. Be right back!

*Dashes out of store brushing cobwebs out of the way, and runs in the direction of the Four Dimensional Bookstore. A few crashing noises can be heard from down the street.*

Aarrgh! Get off! Oooh, just wait until I get those wasp hair leashes! Then you'll get it!

*A few minutes later, Scandrea rushes back in, carrying a copy of Plumbing and Unified Field Theory.*

OK, everything I need to know should be in here. Now where's that plumbing?