h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The following phrases should be avoided at all costs!

"I like cheese"
"I had a goldfish once... but it died"
"Am I going mad?"
"How are you?" (When repeated throughout the course of the evening)
"I am so ugly!"
"Can you please tell me something mildly remotely interesting about yourself?"
"Tell me about your mother" (when said in a Freuden tone of voice)
"What is your opinion on morris dancing?"
"I am an avid locomotive observer"
"I'm not very good at this whole dating thing... hardly anyone ever asks me out because I'm boring and have a personal hygene problem"
"I'll be right back... sorry I keep disappearing to the bathroom, those prunes I ate last night are making me rather irregular!"

My friend once asked a psychologist first-date boyfriend:

"You think I'm paranoid, don't you?"

Which just proved that she was indeed paranoid. Not a good first start!

It's important not to talk about the breakdown of your last relationship or the details of your recent divorce. So obvious, but people often do it.

A couple of others

"I have gaydar" - one of my friends actuly said this!

"Finger or hole fist?" - same as above.

"Thats not my leg..."

"Are you winking at me?"

"Do you like chese?" - Never EVER say this on a first date EVER, you have been warned.

"Whats your sign?" - This seems innocent but get there opion on Zodiac FIRST!

Thats all I can think of at the moment but I will be back...

I recall, one magical summer evening, we gazed into each other's eyes and she asked me "Tell me, have you ever considered plucking your eyebrows?" That was nice.

Springtime, dusk. My boyfriend and I are watching the sun go down from teh top of the city. We haven't been going out very long. I ask him, what are you thinking about?

"My Physics exam. God, I hope I'll pass it."

Other lines guaranteed to send you home:

"Oh, come off it, women have everything men have."
"At least you have inner beauty."
"I've always been attracted to ugly women."
"Do you really have to wear high heels? Aren't you tall enough?"
"You women (insert sexist stereotype here)"

My favourite, when a guy asked me to dance one was when he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Your friend is gorgeous, what's her name?"

Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten that one... growl!!!

Guys can be SOOOOOO INSENSITIVE!!!

"I'm looking for a man to settle down with"
or
"I've been really broody lately"
or
"How do you feel about having kids?"
or
"What sort of wedding would you like?"

These should all be avioded

Same as "I've had enough of serious relationships, I want to be on my own for a while." Obviously, if that were the case, you wouldn't be on a date. Plus, they might take seriously.

*suddenly remembers Mr 'Check Please!' from Goodness Gracious Me*

In my particular case, one thing that really kills the conversation is "Ah, so you're a writer. What kind of books do you write?"
"Novels."
"Yes, but what kind?"

Most writers (musicians, dancers, artists) will hate you for asking that question, so just don't, or take their standard reply: "Oh, just stories, you know. Stories about people."

Do not, under any circumstances, as a writer to tell you what their book is about. If they're anyting like me, they'd rather take you to a bookshop and buy it for you than summarize several months of hard work, of blood, sweat and tears in one line.

Go out, buy the book and then if you like it let them know.

I know it's not strictly to do with the first datye but in trying to set it up.

A mate of mine used to get so drunk every saturday that after about 10 o'clock he never got out a full opening line but was attempting to ram his tongue down the throat of every girl in the club.

I would like to point out that he has now been in a realitionship for over 2 years however I was not present to witness how drunk/sober he was nor what he actually said or did that made this woman actually want to have more.

To a bookworm:

"I don't read books, they're boring."

Also, don't be like me: never mention politics (of the international or gender kind) on a first date. Or a second. Try the third. So you won't have blown two dates on a big argument.

Unless of course your first date is a fellow party activist. Mind you me and FC took a whole year before we discussed politics so I see what you mean.

Of course, but fellow party activists are bound to end up doing the naked pretzel if they find each other even remotely attractive, aren't they? I can easily fall for what goes on in a guy's head, me (Yes, that includes the sex. Just cos I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't think about doing the naked pretzel myself )

Not naming any major players that might end up in a curry then.

I don't know about the you women part, I usually make jokes about it...so long as it's in cases so absurd it's obvious you're not really thinking it. If they don't get it they probably aren't worth the effort.

Good topics of conversation?
How about "Superconductivity in Yttrium-Barium Oxides"

It worked for me.

Honest!

Possibly many of the worst conversations I've ever had have been with guys on dates. Romatic moments are things which greatly embarrass teenage boys to the point of some bizarre urge to break the atmosphere with a strategically timed, "So, tell me... What is your opinion on cheese?" I once went for a romantic walk at sunset along a riverbank whilst my date rambled on about his Chemistry teacher... and then about his tractor! Every time I attempted to change the subject to something a little more appropriate, my statement was met with a red face and much flustered stuttering!