h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, no! The bulb's out! Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
The bicycle's broken.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design.
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't Cry it's only a joke.

Knock knock
Who is there
Bigish
Bigish who?
Not today thanks

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Star Wars Lightbulb jokes

Luke Skywalker: "I don't need a lightbulb when I have a lightsaber!"
Han Solo: "Chewie! Get me a hydrospanner and a spare bulb... what do you mean, we're out of bulbs??"
Yoda: "Change the bulb you must, hmm?"
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Use the gloves, Luke"
Darth Vader: He won't change the bulb, he wants everyone to join the dark side.
Emperor: "I had foreseen that the bulb would need replacement"
Stormtroopers: 39, one to change the bulb, 38 to get shot.
Ewoks: about 10-15 will do it.
Jabba the Hutt: He'll put out a bounty on the old lightbulb for failing him.
Boba Fett: He doesn't go after small fry.
Admiral Ackbar: "Prepare to change lightbulbs on my mark!"
Mon Mothma: "Many Bothan spies died changing this lightbulb"

StarTrek lightbulb jokes

Klingons: "Klingons do NOT change lightbulbs!"
Vulcans: Exactly 1.00000000
Ensigns: They can't, they get electrocuted everytime they go near one.
Androids: "Lightbulb: a device for giving out light. An object emitting photons on command. Invented by Thomas Alva Edison in... Yes, sir!"
Borg: "Changing the bulb is irrelevant. It will be assimilated."
Q: "Changing lightbulbs is boring, I'll set it as a test for Jean-Luc!"
Troi: "I sense a lot of bad humour here"
Riker: "What the hell?"
Picard: (insert a long pro-lightbulb speech here, involving rights to be changed, etc)
Geordi: "The illumination device requires high frequency replacement but by replacing it with an isolinear multidimensional matrix chip, we can increase the power output by 42%."
Wesley: "I can do that!"
Kirk: "Spock... is there... any... way... we... can..."
Spock: "Captain, sensor's show that this lightbulb is not operational"
McCoy: "It's dead, Jim" or "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
Scotty: "We're running low on dilithium, Captain. I dunno how many more bulbs we can replace"
Chekov: "Light bulbs were inwented in Russia" (apologies to Russians)
Sulu: "Setting course for nearest electrical shop, Captain"
Uhura: "Should I hail Radio Shack, Captain?"
Ferengi: He'll sell you a new one... double price (and you'll think it's a bargain!)
Tribbles: .

How can you tell which bike belongs to Mr. Spock?

It's the one with the tires made of Vulcanized Rubber.

Q: How many ears has Spock?

A: Three. Left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

Why were the two symbyotes crossing the road

To see wich one would get implanted first

Q: How many System Lords does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: Your god does not screw in a light bulb. Your god holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around me.

Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb?
A:We view changing light bulbs as futile; they will just keep burning out. So we sunk the city.

Q: How many Asgard does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Asgard would never invent a light that superheats a small filament of tungsten within a noble gas by passing a strong electrical current through it.

: You learn that Kinsey has been captured by the Goa'uld. You are tasked to retrieve him before the Goa'uld are able to learn the high level information he carries. After fighting your way to his cell, you discover he is being interrogated by Ba'al, his first prime, and a Kull warrior. At this point you realize you have only two rounds left. What do you do?

A: Shoot Kinsey twice.