A Conversation for The Friends of LeisureDistrict's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section...

Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 101

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 102

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 103

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 104

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, no! The bulb's out! Sell my GE stock NOW!!


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 105

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
The bicycle's broken.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 106

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 107

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 108

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 109

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 110

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design.
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 111

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't Cry it's only a joke.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 112

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Knock knock
Who is there
Bigish
Bigish who?
Not today thanks


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 113

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 114

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Star Wars Lightbulb jokes

Luke Skywalker: "I don't need a lightbulb when I have a lightsaber!"
Han Solo: "Chewie! Get me a hydrospanner and a spare bulb... what do you mean, we're out of bulbs??"
Yoda: "Change the bulb you must, hmm?"
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Use the gloves, Luke"
Darth Vader: He won't change the bulb, he wants everyone to join the dark side.
Emperor: "I had foreseen that the bulb would need replacement"
Stormtroopers: 39, one to change the bulb, 38 to get shot.
Ewoks: about 10-15 will do it.
Jabba the Hutt: He'll put out a bounty on the old lightbulb for failing him.
Boba Fett: He doesn't go after small fry.
Admiral Ackbar: "Prepare to change lightbulbs on my mark!"
Mon Mothma: "Many Bothan spies died changing this lightbulb"


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 115

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

StarTrek lightbulb jokes

Klingons: "Klingons do NOT change lightbulbs!"
Vulcans: Exactly 1.00000000
Ensigns: They can't, they get electrocuted everytime they go near one.
Androids: "Lightbulb: a device for giving out light. An object emitting photons on command. Invented by Thomas Alva Edison in... Yes, sir!"
Borg: "Changing the bulb is irrelevant. It will be assimilated."
Q: "Changing lightbulbs is boring, I'll set it as a test for Jean-Luc!"
Troi: "I sense a lot of bad humour here"
Riker: "What the hell?"
Picard: (insert a long pro-lightbulb speech here, involving rights to be changed, etc)
Geordi: "The illumination device requires high frequency replacement but by replacing it with an isolinear multidimensional matrix chip, we can increase the power output by 42%."
Wesley: "I can do that!"
Kirk: "Spock... is there... any... way... we... can..."
Spock: "Captain, sensor's show that this lightbulb is not operational"
McCoy: "It's dead, Jim" or "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
Scotty: "We're running low on dilithium, Captain. I dunno how many more bulbs we can replace"
Chekov: "Light bulbs were inwented in Russia" (apologies to Russians)
Sulu: "Setting course for nearest electrical shop, Captain"
Uhura: "Should I hail Radio Shack, Captain?"
Ferengi: He'll sell you a new one... double price (and you'll think it's a bargain!)
Tribbles: .


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 116

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How can you tell which bike belongs to Mr. Spock?

It's the one with the tires made of Vulcanized Rubber.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 117

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: How many ears has Spock?

A: Three. Left ear, right ear and the final front ear.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 118

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Why were the two symbyotes crossing the road

To see wich one would get implanted first


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 119

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: How many System Lords does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: Your god does not screw in a light bulb. Your god holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around me.

Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb?
A:We view changing light bulbs as futile; they will just keep burning out. So we sunk the city.

Q: How many Asgard does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Asgard would never invent a light that superheats a small filament of tungsten within a noble gas by passing a strong electrical current through it.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 120

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

: You learn that Kinsey has been captured by the Goa'uld. You are tasked to retrieve him before the Goa'uld are able to learn the high level information he carries. After fighting your way to his cell, you discover he is being interrogated by Ba'al, his first prime, and a Kull warrior. At this point you realize you have only two rounds left. What do you do?

A: Shoot Kinsey twice.


Key: Complain about this post

Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more