A Conversation for The Friends of LeisureDistrict's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section...

Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 21

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

I joke I heard today:

There was a machist on a dessert island and he said Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! but the sadist said No!.smiley - laugh



Kat


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 22

ANGEL4U~TEAM ANGEL *D*O*Y*L*E*

hismiley - smiley was wondering if u could help me i can,t find the number i need to set up the guestbook on my page


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 23

crazyhorse

angel your best bet is to go to the page of an ACE lass they will be able to help yousmiley - wizard


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 24

ANGEL4U~TEAM ANGEL *D*O*Y*L*E*

thanx m8smiley - smiley


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 25

crazyhorse

your welcomesmiley - biggrin


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 26

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q. What is always coming but never arrives?

A Tomorrow!


Kat


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 27

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q. Why did the crab get arrested?

A. Because he was always pinching things!


Kat


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 28

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q. Why do demons get on really well with ghouls?

A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!


Kat


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 29

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q. What did the shy pebble say?

A. I wish I was a little boulder!


Kat


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 30

Kleopatra

Q: What gets bigger as you take more away?

A: A hole.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 31

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce



Overheard in a corridor:
Crewman: "I've got a brother at Starfleet Science Academy."
Crewwoman: "What's he studying?"
Crewman: "Nothin'. They're studying him."

The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings, they had trouble deciding how to eat him. The Kzinti captain had the last word. He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down."

A young man was applying to join Starfleet:
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
"Earth, sir."
"What part?"
"All of me, sir."

Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert?
He never forgets a phaser.

Where does a ten-foot Mugato sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.

What do you call a ten-foot Mugato?
Sir.

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and McCoy down to the recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style six-guns. You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.




Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 32

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Wat do they call a Klingon with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do they call a Klingon with no brain at all?
Normal.

Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To conquer the other side.

If Mr. Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have?
Engineers

Q: What do you call a civilization that is based on silicon (not carbon)?
A: Horta Culture...

Q: What did one Borg say to another right before their ship was destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoist by our own Picard.

STAR TREK COMPUTER VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

The Top Ten Lines From Star Trek V

10. Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry, it's your hairpiece!
9. Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals - they're Folgers crystals.
8. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor.
7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's log.
6. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe.
5. Geez, I'm sick of you guys!
4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from EARTH to TRUMP.
3. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up pal!
2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
1. Screw the Final Frontier! Let's go see BATMAN!



Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 33

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek

10. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
9. You've figured out the stardate system.
8. You lecture science professors on how transporters work.
7. You have no life.
6. You understand Klingon.
5. You have actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
4. You forget that present-day elevators don't have voice interface.
3. You memorized all of the crew's authorization codes.
2. You say "make it so" in casual conversation.
1. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.

In addition:
0. You believe that the Enterprise computer uses a Corrected version of Intel's Pentium.

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer.

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
8. What is this talk of release? Klingons do not make software releases. Our software escapes leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have parameters - they have arguments -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!



Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 34

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

How many members of the Star Wars crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'We don't need a light bulb we'll just CGI the light in later'


How many members of the Buffy/Angel/X-files crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'the darkness works just fine'


How many Doctor Who producers dose it take to change a light bulb?
'Ah light bulbs, if only I had the time or money to change light bulbs!'


How many of the Star Trek movie crew dose it take to change a light bulb?
6, 1 lighting gaffer, 1 supervising gaffer, 1 assistant director of lighting, 1 director of lighting, 1 executive producer and 1 accountant. Total cost $6000.


How many Borg dose it take to change a light bulb?
All of them (think about it!) or 'light and dark are irrelevant'


How many Kilngon does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'Light is for the weak'
Or How many Kilngon does it take to change a light bulb?
2, 1 to change the bulb, the other to sing an song about the epic struggle against the darkness


How many Romualns does it take to change a light bulb?
3 1 to change the light bulb, 1 hired assassin to kill the bulb changer and 1 to take credit for


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 35

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

I am Clinton of Borg. You will not really be assimilated, exactly...
I am Janet Reno of Borg. Resisters will be barbecued. Waco is irrelevant.
I am Stephanopolous of Borg. It's not assimilation, it's diversity...
I am Hillary of Borg. Prepare to be ... uh, I don't recall.
I am Madonna of Borg. Resistance turns me on.
I am Kojak of Borg. Who loves to assimilate ya, baby.
I am Ginsu of Borg. You WILL be ASSIMILATED, but wait! That's not all!
I am Hamlet, of Borg! Prepare to be...or not to be...
I am Oprah of Borg. So, why did you assimilate your husband?
I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.
I am Haskell of Borg. You resist well, Mrs. Cleaver.
I am Lennon of Borg. Imagine there's no assimilation...
I am Baez of Borg. What if we gave an assimilation and nobody came?
I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate 'em, Pa?
I am Quayle of Borg. Speling is irelevante.
I am Smorgas of Borg. You will be marinated.
I am Fonda of Borg. After assimilation, you will have Buns of Steel.


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 36

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Knock Knock! Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? Yes. Yes what? You said it. Doctor who. Eh? Never mind. I don't get it. Forget about it. Knock Knock! What? Knock Knock! Go on... Alright. Knock Knock! Um... Who's there? Eh? Doctor...? Arggh! Go away and die!! Doctor? What? No, Doctor who? What? (etc.)


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 37

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! I'm in a Chronic Hysteresis! (etc.)


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 38

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

The Brigadier jumped to his feet. 'Chap with Wings, five rounds rapid!'


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 39

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

(Having discovered that Davros, using protein derived from dead bodies on his Funeral Planet, is supplying food to a starving galaxy)

The Doctor: Didn't you bother to tell them that they might be eating their relatives?/ Davros: That might create what I believe is called 'Consumer Resistance.'


Friends of LD's Quotes and Other Stuffs Section: Jokes

Post 40

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q:What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?

A:A Time Lord committing suicide.


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