h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Manetto keeps on boasting about his magnetic personality!!

Wolverine

When Pyro is hot, he is !!

Ice Man is a smooth operator!!

Television News: ...and the resulting blast, knocked the Earth from its orbit.

Innocent People: Oh no! What are we to do? We will all perish!

Cyclops: I could make a decision, but I am afraid that it will be the wrong one!

Beast: Well, -I- could fix the problem, since I'm one of the smartest guys ever. Plus, I know Reed Richards.

X-Men (In unison): We do not care what you have to say, Beast, because your power is not "cool."

Beast: Okay, I will just go back to curing the Legacy Virus.

X-Men (again, in unison): What is that? I forget.

Beast: One of the greatest plagues of all time?!

X-Men: Oh yeah. We sort of forgot all about that, once we learned that the virus only attacks unimportant characters.

Beast: Morons.

Cyclops: So.. back to the problem.. what to do.. oh what to do? I'm such a wussy..

Jean: Do not worry, Slim. I bet I could move the planet back into its orbit, if I tried really hard.

Cyclops: "Slim"? What the..? You obviously haven't been reading the book for the past seven years. Every artist since Whilce Portacio has drawn me looking like a bodybuilder...

Jean: at any rate, back to saving the world.

Cyclops: Oh yes.

Jean: (uses her all powerful telekinesis) all done.

Cyclops: I am glad I married you. It only took me 30 years to do it, too.

Jean: true. I wonder if we have yet.

Cyclops: This is a family book. I doubt we even sleep in the same bed. If you want to see , read some of the McFarlane-era Spiderman's.

Jean: Bummer.

Cyclops: Well, its time for me to go and be injured for a little while.

Jean: I will go with you and pointlessly drag up and old plot line.

Cyclops: Cool.

Humans: Mutie Scum! We hate you for saving our world!

(The X-Men run back to the mansion and hide)

Angel: If only Apocalypse had not ruined my life, we would not be in this mess.

Psylocke: Actually, we would. And he did not ruin your life. In fact, you just got your original wings back.

Angel: The metal ones looked cooler.

Psylocke: Yep. They worked better, too. You flew faster and you could shoot things out of them

Angel: True. Now I am back to being one-dimensional and stupid

Psylocke: Actually, you always were.

Angel: Oh yeah.

Psylocke: Do not worry, though, so am I.

Angel: I love you. Lets go away together.

Psylocke: Okay, but not for too long. We have to be back next issue to annoy the readers some more.

Rogue: Where are you guys going?

Psylocke: To go be in together.

Angel: Yeah. Bye. (They leave)

Rogue: ah was in once.. actually I was in twice, if you count Magneto. Three times if you count Joseph.

Rogue: Oh yeah. anyway, ah wish ah had not left Remy to die. That was terribly stupid an' pointless of me. Plus, it was not in my character to do so. Ah will just explain it away by saying that it was Gambit's psyche telling me to do so.

Gambit: Sure. I wanted to stay there and die. That is believable.

Rogue: Remy? Are not you all supposed to be walking back from Antarctica? That should take six months or so.

Gambit: Oh yeah. Bad continuity, I guess.

Cannonball: My accent is more annoying than yours Rogue.

Rogue: No its not. Why do not you all go back to fighting with Storm and then pouting.

Cannonball: Well, frankly, I have tapped out of things to say. I am just not as interesting since ah left X-force.

Rogue: true.

Storm: By the goddess! Did someone mention me?

Cannonball and Rogue: Yes, but it was not important. Who is "The Goddess," anyway?

Storm: Nobody knows. It was just a stupid thing some writer decided to do to make me seem more "African."

Cannonball and Rogue: we are leaving. We are sick of talking to you.

Storm: I understand.

Marrow: Look! I am not dead. I am real mean, though.

Storm: By the Goddess! I hate you!

Marrow: I know you are a wussy, so why do not you just make someone come fight me already.

Storm: Very well. Wolverine!

Wolverine: I am the best at what I do.

Storm: I cannot watch this. (leaves)

Wolverine: You should know that I cannot be killed by anyone. Ever. I am invincible. Believe me.

Marrow: I believe you. I have been reading the back issues.

Wolverine: Now lets have a pointless fight in which nothing is resolved.

Marrow: No, lets save it for next issue. We have to make it a cliffhanger, you know.

Wolverine: Good point.

Marrow: I have to get back to my Angel-worship, anyway. Where is he?

Wolverine: He went to go be one-dimensional with Psylocke.

Marrow: Oh. Back to the basement for me, then.

Wolverine: Alright. I will send Sam to go stare at you in a little while.

Marrow: Oh boy. (leaves)

Maggott: Hey, look, Wolverine! Since nobody cares about your "mysterious past" anymore, they introduced me! Look how mysterious I am!

Wolverine: Where are you from, anyway?

Maggott: That is the best part! My accent and dialect are completely undecipherable by anyone. Ag.

Wolverine: Any chance you are from the future?

Maggott: Maybe! A lot of people are, you know!

Wolverine: Good point. Well, I am leaving now.

Maggott: Have a cigar for me.

Wolverine: Alright. Cigars make me cool. I am glad I did not stop smoking them back in Wolverine #75.

Dr. Reyes(appears from nowhere): You ca not say smoking is cool! Think of the children who read this book!

Wolverine: I do not care. I am a loner. I am mysterious, too. Bye. (leaves)

Dr. Reyes: I really do not want to be here. I am leaving.

Maggott: Me, too. Ag.

(they all leave)

Iceman: Hey! Does not anyone care about me?

Reader: No.

Iceman: I have cool, upgraded powers and an irreverent outlook on life!

Readers: Who cares? Are you mysterious?

Iceman: No.

Readers: Then we do not care. Maggott is cool.

Iceman: I am kinda bluish like Maggott, though.

Readers: Who cares?

Iceman: They appreciated me in "Spiderman and His Amazing Friends."

The End.

NEXT: A pointless fight between Marrow and Wolverine!

PLUS: Someone dies! Will it be someones fault?

AND: More Angst!

There were three guys wearing trench coats on top of the empire state building. The first guy said to the second guy "Did you know that if you jump off the edge and open up you coat that the wind would blow you back onto the roof?" The second guy says to the first guy "Nuh ah" So the first guy goes to the edge, looks back and says "watch this" and jumps off the edge, opens his coat and floats back onto the roof. Goes back to the second guy and says "see." The second guy goes "I got to try this" goes to the edge jumps off the edge opens his coat, falls straight down screaming, SPLAT. The third guy looks at the first guy and goes "Magneto that wasn't very nice."

TOP TEN WAYS THE X-MEN BEAT THE HEAT

10) Invite Forge over. Enjoy brisk chill when he bumps into Storm.

9) Program Danger Room to create Hell the day Perot is elected President.

8) Give Drake sneezing powder while he's in ice form.

7) They turn on the air conditioner. Duh.

6) Reprogram captured Sentinels to run around flapping their arms.

5) Wear even skimpier costumes (WaHoo!!)

4) Invite Sinister over. Bask in the total absence of the warmth of human kindness.

3) Watch Cannonball's expression while Beast tries to explain the whole Spider Clone mess to him. You don't get any cooler, but it gets your mind off it.

2) Use water guns in every adventure.

1) Don't come back from the dead 'til October.

TOP TEN DATING TIPS FROM WOLVERINE

10) If attacked by the Hand, don't forget to excuse yourself BEFORE you start fighting.

9) If a Japanese chick has to cut off a finger to date you, expect her to want a commitment.

8) If altering history to the point that a mutant megalomaniac can take over the world will increase your chances with a girl, so be it.

7) Never double date with a buddy who can teleport. He'll vanish as soon as the bill arrives. Damn elf.

6) Always use utensils, not claws, no matter how funny you think it'd be.

5) An immunity to alcohol is the dater's best friend.

4) If you forget to call her the next day, blame your memory on the Canadian government.

3) Even if your date turns out to be a psychotic killer cyborg who's only there to end your miserable existence, you're still entitled to a good-night kiss.

2) Involuntary removal of part of skeleton + Genetic quirk causing reversion to a bestial state = Sympathy.

1) Put any kind of moves on Jubilee, and I will hunt you down and kill you. C'mon. Try me, bub.

TOP TEN THINGS DARK BEAST DID WHILE WITH THE X-MEN

10) Reprogramed the danger room to dump a bucket of slime on anyone who says "I don't know."

9) Installed video cameras in Psylocke's room. (Hank has yet to remove them)

8) Switched regular coffee with Folger's crystals.

7) Spent $1300 on 1-900-EROTIC-DNA.

6) Tried to get them to change their name to the "Zeo X-Men".

5) Spent 12 hours watching tapes of "Beavis and Butt-Head", then went straight to the genetics lab, grinning all the way.

4) Challenged Wolverine to a "Who's Hairier?" contest.

3) Marveled at what a master geneticist Jim Henson must have been.

2) Spent three days trying to figure out Windows '95.

1) Reset Beast's VCR to tape Oprah instead of Ricki.

TOP TEN REASONS XAVIER BECAME ONSLAUGHT

10. Three words..... Too much Cappuccino!

9. He needed something to cover up that bald head.

8. Doesn't have to follow that "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy at Circle K's.

7. Magneto's evil side kept singing Macarena 24 hours a day.

6. Really upset about the whole O.J. thing.

5. Bought lots of copies of Rob Liefeld comics hoping they would be collectors items.

4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. Needed something to boost sales, and that whole dying and coming back cliché is so worn out.

2. Paid millions of dollars for advanced technology and Shi'ar equipment, but still can't get HBO.

1. Hey, if you were around all those hot women wearing spandex outfits who think of you as a father figure, you'd go crazy too!

GAMBIT'S TOP TEN MOST HORRIFYING SECRETS

10. He went out with RuPaul for 2 weeks before he learned.... The Secret.

9. He invented The Macarena.

8. Not a mutant, gained his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive deck of playing cards.

7. Not just the president of the Hair Club for Men, he's also a client.

6. Hasn't bathed since the Carter Administration.

5. He was the real voice of Milli Vanilli.

4. Doesn't just believe in the Tooth Fairy, believes he IS the Tooth Fairy.

3. Was the "Genius" behind Image Comics.

2. He doesn't like the Arch Deluxe.

1. Thinks Stan Lee is sexy.

TOP TEN BOOKS THAT SABRETOOTH HAS READ

10) A Slasher in the Rye

9) The Scarlet Stained Letter

8) The National Inquirer (OK, I know that it's technically not a book, but YOU try telling him that!)

7) Whittle Women

6) A Flail of Two Cities

5) David Chopperfield

4) Anything by Stephen King

3) The Diary of Anne Frankenstein

2) Tess of D'Urbervillains

1) Shi'ar Technology For Dummies

Stargate Jokes

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock!
Who's there?
The Nox!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda!
Amanda who?
A-man-da fix the DHD!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Carter!
Carter who?
Carter off she's driving me insane!

A group of people are on a behind the scenes tour of the studios in Vancouver. They walk past a room where Michael Shanks is testing his new Sony Handycam by filming a pot-plant, cup of coffee in hand. Then they see Christopher Judge nibbling at some Jaffa cakes he was sent from England. Walking past a door they notice that Richard Dean Anderson is having a smashing time in the car park with a hockey stick. Then they come to a room where they hear a strange knocking sound. Confused, they turn to their tour guide and ask what the strange noise is. "It's okay," he says, "It's only Amanda Tapping".

Why did the chicken enter the Stargate?
'Cos any worm that can make a wormhole that size HAS to be worth the risk!

Daniel: Do you remember that time you lost Machello?
Jack: Oh, I always figured you were more of a double bass kinda guy...

SG-1 and friends are travelling on a 'plane when Daniel says, "Does the tooth fairy pay based on the SIZE of tooth?".
Jack sarcastically notes that Daniel's a little too old to believe in the tooth fairy, but asks why.
Daniel replies, "Well, Martouf just fell out, and he's massive!".

Daniel is introducing Thor (Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet) to General Hammond:
Daniel: This is an Asgardian.
General Hammond: My name's not Ian.

Daniel: This is an Asgardian.
Jack: Oh, good, I need someone to guard my donkey.
(as in ass, ass guardian, see, no, oh, ok)

"How did someone successfully steel a donkey from Thor and his friends when they had amnesia?"
"Because they forgot their Ass-guards (they're Asgards)."

A joke not by us now, I'd like to thank Major General Teach for writing this joke and allowing me to put it on my site.
How many Goa'uld does it take to change a light-bulb?
None -Why do they need light-bulbs, when they've built-in flashlights for eyes.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the regulations of Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Buffy - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Giles: 'Why don't you wrest the information from that dread machine?'

Xander: Respect the chicken, and tame the road.

Anya: Because there's a bunny on this side of the road.... Wait, there's a bunny on this side of the road? HELP!

Willow: It's a cock-a-doodle-do. I cock-a-doodle-do. You, too, you cock-a-doodle-do, too.

Buffy: "Chicken? There's a chicken?"

Angel: "(Screams in terror) AAAHHHHH!!"

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

X Files answers

Fox Mulder: No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully: There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner: You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM: There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek: Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers: It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly: It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike: I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder: It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder: I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully: I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully: The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.: One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.: Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg: Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell: To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man: It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X: The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias: I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken.... Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss. How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith: I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road, but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter: Tell me where the chicken is!

Section Chief Blevins: We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about crossing the road.

Mrs Budahas: That is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe (stoner kids): I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh - *landmines* and junk!

Tom Colton: At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the chicken crossed the road--any sane theory. I'm sorry, Dana, but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms: Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs: I've been waiting... sixty years... for the chicken to cross that road.

Darlene Morris: Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away from my chicken.

Ellen (Scully's friend): Well - first it had to get a life. And... a rooster.

Rob (Scully's date): I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer points of the state planning and taxation?

Brad Wilczek [Ghost in the Machine]: Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

Commander Henderson [Fallen Angel]: Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center: The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in eastern Wisconsin.

Eves: It just knew.

Phoebe Greene: Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively: It was dying for a cigarette.

Luther Lee Boggs: I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain, and oh god! The Road! He's going to cross the road!!

Brother Andrew: The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy pleasures we can't.

Michael [Genderbender]: The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

Jack Willis: To be run down so that another chicken could take over his body.

John Barnett: Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is...

Rev. Cal Hartley: The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

Indian guy [Shapes]: He should have been called... Feathered Chicken... or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

Doug Spinney: The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging... within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

Michelle Bishop: *I* made the chicken cross the road.

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man): Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

Roland: Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

Ed Funsch: It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

Duane Barry: I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

Kristin Kilar: The chicken won't cross the road. It's not who he is. It doesn't make him happy.

BJ Morrow: It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

Donnie Pfaster: Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks: It shot across the road to find out what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken): How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

The Gregors: That chicken was the last remaining. Unless you protect it, it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk [Colony]: You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for crossing the road?

Sophie the Gorilla: Chicken go crossing road.

Mr. Nutt: Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that it will cross the road? In an attempt to continue an age-old joke that never had any humor in the first place, you'll only managed to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its mediocrity. When in fact - do you really know if the chicken had better things to do than simply cross the road? That perhaps it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life? But no, you just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed* that the chicken would cross the road, thus, increasing an already clichéd stereotype.

The Conundrum:

Dr. Blockhead: It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

Charlie/Michael Holvey [The Calusari]: The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

Chaco: A chicken? That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

CC's character [Anasazi]: The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally assigned to remain at the the *side* of the road?

Albert Hosteen: There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz: The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road... It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal: We got the wrong chicken!

D.P.O. Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us do anything? Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface... that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma: Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

Napleon "Neech" Manley: To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

Virgil Incanto: Mmm... Schmaltz.

Lucy Householder: I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope... then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

Japanese guy [Nisei]: To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

Dr. Bambi: To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road... what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov [WOTC]: I don't know much about... *chickens*. What is it?

Stoner Guy [WOTC]: Woah, man. The chicken's crawling up inside your arm. That's wrong, dude.

Det. White: To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri: The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!!

Margi: Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka: You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road? Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

Robert Modell: The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on, cross the road...

Holly [Pusher]: I don't know why the chicken did it! I'm so, so sorry, sir... I'm so sorry...

Jose Chung: I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different answer! Truth is as subjective as reality! By the way, do you know he he perfers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black: No object is more mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners: Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed theroad? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote: No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer: The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner: It wasn't a chicken. It was a MIB sent in by the *proper authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it off. Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson: This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

Mrs. Peacock: I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come and my home would never be the same...

Peacock Brothers: To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

Gerry Schnauz: Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers. Er hat unruhe....

Melissa Redell: Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood in a field. This is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney: I don't know why! Why don't you just leave the chicken alone! Leave it alone! It's already been through too much...

John Lee Roche: I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me. I want a deal. Trust a child molester?

Member of Congress [Terma]: Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken, and why is it not here?

Soledad Buente: Because his brother betrayed him.

Betty tattoo: Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse: Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

Leonard Betts: He's sorry. But the road had something he needed.

Dr. Scanlon: The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford: I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all, they want the same thing you want...

Sharon Graffia: The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch: I did it. I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig: So, I’ve devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak, crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking members of the military/poultry community. Not that they’d ever admit it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications. No, that would be un-American. And they won’t admit it until someone confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me. And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another day you’re going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster Farms, what’s a few CIA spooks to worry about.

Eddie Van Blundht: Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross the road. Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime?

Chuck Forsch: Oooh! That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it! I made the chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

Michael Kritschgau: The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you would believe the lie that chickens existed.

Chris Carter: You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon: Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong: Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it was back on this road, though, it didn't seem the same, so eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed to never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan: Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban: Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan: Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar, something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer: Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere, and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile: Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile: Who cares? It's just a stupid chicken! It's fictional! Why the heck are you worrying about a chicken, anyway? I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper: The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and were fated to cross.

NoRoMo: I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George: To get a bottle of Labatt's.

More answers to why the Chicken crossed the road.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Neil Armstrong:
One small step for a chicken, one giant leap for poultry.

Baldrick:
It had a cunning plan.

The Beatles:
To be free as a bird!

The Borg:
Crossing the road is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Julius Caesar:
To come, to see, to conquer.

Chicken Little:
The sky was falling!

Charles Dickens:
It was the best of chickens, it was the worst of chickens.

Dionysius:
I don't care. Can't you see I'm bathing.

Bob Dylan:
How many roads must one chicken cross?

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Basil Fawlty:
Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.

Sir Edmund Hillary:
Because it's there.

Sherlock Holmes:
It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also cross.

Thomas Jefferson
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Capt. James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no hen has gone before.

George Lucas:
Because the Force was with it.

Dr. Leonard McCoy:
She's dead, Jim. Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a traffic cop!

Malcolm X:
It was coming home to roost.

Moses:
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

Fox Mulder:
It was a government conspiracy.

Sir Isaac Newton:
A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in motion.

Richard Nixon:
I am not a chicken! (Did we get that on tape?)

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

Michael Palin:
Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Capt. Jean Luc Picard:
To see what's out there.

Carl Sagan:
Considering the billions and billions of chickens that have lived on our little planet, it was only a matter of time and probability.

Montgomery Scott:
'Cos ma wee transporter beam wasna functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

Dana Scully:
It was a biomechanical reflex commonly found in chickens.

Dr Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!

Grandpa Simpson:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Homer Simpson:
To get to this side –Doh!!

Mr. Spock:
It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens is not logical.

Star Trek crew member wearing a red shirt:
Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the . . . AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Dylan Thomas:
To not go gentle into that good night.

Deanna Troi:
It was experiencing -- GREAT PAIN -- TORMENT...

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darth Vader:
(1) She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
(2) Never underestimate the power of the dark side of the road.

The Duke of Wellington:
The road was crossed on the playing fields of Eton.

Mae West:
I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

William Wordsworth:
(1) To have something to recollect in tranquility.
(2) To wander lonely as a cloud.

some of you still here then


an not this aint a joke or ...well depends how ya look at it lol

Hi TheDistrictGhost

a description of the five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage 3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage 4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

Stage 5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

Here are the top ten changes NASA is to make to Aaccommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return:

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Denny's included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

Things We Will Never See On Star Trek
A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never made with.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.
Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"
The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.
Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.
The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked enterpise sick bay.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of their "distressed" feelings.
Data figures out that being a robot is good.
Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.
The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.
The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long enough.
Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is white.
Someone gets drunk in 10 Forward.
Troi is able to explain her accent.
Picard explains his accent.
The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.
The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.
Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise's source of drinking water is recycled human waste.
The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.
An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on episodes.
An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies of Picard. They all get along fine.
An entire year goes by without the enterprise encountering any relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.
A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each other, in an upwards position.
Riker loses weight from the previous year's episodes.
A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilema for him and that he is glad to go along with.
A conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.
Any member of the crew who isn't part of the bridge crew or happens to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the bridge crew is there.
A space battle where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same shot.

Why Kirk Is Better Than Picard
Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
Kirk had an affair more than once a season.
One Word: Hair.
Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
Picard is a French man with an English accent.
Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and not worry about the consequences!!
Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
Two words: Shoulder Roll.
Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off-even around those pesky Yeomans.
Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
One Word: Velour.
Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
One Word: Iman.
Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
Kirk is not politically correct.
Two Words: Line Delivery.
Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
Three Words: Flying Leg Kick