h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: five to worship it as a god of light; one to point out that if it WAS a god of light, it's now a dead, false god; and one to go against convention and change the light bulb himself.

What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean

What's a specimen?
An Italian Astronaut

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do you think he saw us!

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down.

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

"What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

"An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth."