h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Star Trek Meets David Letterman
"Captain's Log, Star Date 6715.5. We are in orbit around Noldicia, a standard Class M planet, the third in a system of eight. Our mission here is a happy one - to evaluate Noldicia's qualifications for full membership in the Federation. Yet, I am strangely uneasy. Something seems wrong here, though I cannot say what."

"Captain, we are receiving a signal from the surface. It's the council sir."

"Put it on the screen, Lieutenant Uhura."

"Yes, sir."

Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy joined Captain Kirk on the bridge as the video picture stabilized. In a large chamber, sitting behind a single, immense desk, were Brenson, the head of the planetary council, and several other council members. All were men, with short hair, and all wore navy blue double-breasted blazers and khaki pants.

"Captain Kirk. It's a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia. More fun than humans should be allowed to have."

McCoy nudged Kirk and whispered urgently, "That doesn't quite ring true, Jim."

"The pleasure is ours, Councilman Brenson," Kirk replied.

"Councilman," he continued, "we are anxious to begin our Federation membership evaluation. I assume you have no objection to our coming down and looking around?"

Before Brenson could answer, he was interrupted by the sound of a Noldician spacecraft passing overhead.

"Excuse me, it must have been that awful shrimp salad. Now, where was I? Oh yes, your investigation. We are most eager for you to begin. How many of you will be coming down?"

"Two or three."

"And how much do you weigh?" He went on before Kirk could answer. "Just kidding, Captain. Travel Director Gurtner will see to the arrangements."

The man two seats to Brenson's right spoke up. "That's GURNEE. Two e's!" Another council member jumped to his feet. "Run for your lives! It's a trick!"

"No, no. These are only jokes. And just barely, at that." Brenson seemed unperturbed. "In any event, Captain, the sooner we can arrange an appointment for a cable link, the better." Kirk nodded. The most important benefit of full membership in the federation was the cable link to the Federation Broadcasting System. Without that link, a planet had to rely on its indigenous television, supplemented in the Noldicians' case by twentieth-century signals just now reaching them from old Earth. Many interplanetary disputes had been quelled by threatening the involved parties with the cancellation of FBS programming.

"Yes, Councilman, I understand. You will have to find a date when everyone on the planet can be home all day for the cable guy."

"Exactly, Captain. We would like to begin polling our citizens as soon as possible - and I think we all know how painful that can be." Brenson tossed a pencil over his shoulder, breaking the window behind him. "Now, I'm afraid we have other business to attend to. "Today is Thursday, the day the council members answer their mail. We can speak again tomorrow, which will give these ridiculous haircuts time to grow out." The other council members murmured assent as they ran their hands over their heads in unison. "And if that isn't enough - and, by gosh, don't you think it ought to be - we can arrange for more time next week. Good night, Captain, drive safely!"

Brenson picked up a stack of blue index cards and began to read, "Letter number one. Dear Council, What's the deal on the water supply in sector three...." As the screen went blank, Spock pursed his lips in thought.

The next day, Kirk and Spock prepared to beam down to the surface to look around for themselves. McCoy stayed behind to treat his patients. He had not been happy about staying, protesting, "Darnit Jim, I'm a doctor," but Kirk had mollified him by pointing out that treating the sick was, indeed, practicing medicine. As Kirk and Spock entered the transporter, Mr. Scott gave them some advice. "Ca'n, Be careful whe'y'r do' o' the sur'ace. Ya ne'er no' wha' ca' ha'en i' a situation li' thi'." Only years of familiarity allowed Kirk to understand. Scotty's speech had become even more garbled lately, his consonants almost completely replaced by glottal stops. McCoy, worried that Scotty might actually strangle one day, had been trying to persuade him to consent to some experimental neurosurgery or at least to moderate his intake of Baruvian brandy, but so far without success.

They toured the surface on Friday. Things seemed normal, if it could be considered normal for people to fill the local parks and auditoriums and spend the day teaching their pets to perform complex but ridiculous stunts. The Noldicians themselves exhibited astonishing coordination, some wearing sticky suits that enabled them to climb up and down the sides of buildings and all dodging with practiced ease the pencils and blue cards that fell to the streets continually from the windows above. Kirk's vague feeling of unease grew.

When they returned to the Enterprise, he set Spock to evaluating Noldicia with the ship's scanners and computer. Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference room. "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the computer."

"Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man. So what's the deal with these council weasels? What did the computer have to say?"

"I'm afraid it has not been very helpful, Captain. There is no record of a similar situation anywhere in the galaxy." Spock unfolded his hands and waited. McCoy broke in. "Come on, Spock. What the HECK is going on here?" Spock looked at him with barely disguised distaste. "As we know from our travels, most planets have societies almost exactly like that of some country on twentieth-century Earth. This one is no exception, but, unfortunately, I have not been able to find the cause of its defects, except that it seems to have some connection to a television show and its host, both long since forgotten."

"Well, no matter what the computer says, we have a decision to make." Kirk got up and began pacing. "The Federation of course wants to embrace all friendly cultures. But can we allow these people to become full Federation members?" He whirled to face his officers. "There's something so odd here. If only I could fully understand it...." He stood frozen in thought for a long moment. He suddenly felt tired, but it was a good kind of tired.

Then, smiling at the beautiful simplicity of a sudden insight, he reached out and switched on the intercom to the bridge. "Mr. Sulu, lock in the coordinates of all population centers on Nordicia. And then let's have some fun...by destroying stuff - indeed, the entire planet - with a powerful space phaser." Kirk released the intercom button, cutting off Sulu's whoop of glee. Then as the undetected space-borne parasite that had driven the Noldicians mad set up housekeeping in his own forebrain, he added, to himself, "And I think we all know just how painful that can be."

A man came home drunk and took his false eye and put into a glass. He was thirsty in the night and he had a drink of water. He then realised that he used the glass where he had his false eye in it and that he had swallowed it.

He made an appointment to see his doctor. He told the doctor what had happened. The man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the doctor saw when he looked up the man's derriere was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.

Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: a Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

Q: Why did the atoms cross the road?
A: It was time to split!

Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.

Q: Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?
A: Because it's too cold out tide!

Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A: a Toy-yoda.

Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

Q. How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None - "It's fine, I'll sit here in the dark, I'll be ok, don't worry about me...."

Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q. Mr. Spock. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Exactly 1.0000000000.

Q. How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q. How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A.Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

Q. How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are smart enough to use compact fluorescent bulbs that almost never need changing.

How many administrative assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It won't be changed until you fill out form #3422V - the light bulb change request form.