h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oops, that should be "places hat" before anyone gets funny ideas.

*continues shooting arrows at monkeys*

*the flames do not cause much harm, but they make a good distraction when the monkeys become occupied trying to put out the fire by smacking themselves*

* A window in the cottage breaks, a gun pokes through and shoots the ground awfully close to Titania *

THERE WEREN'T NO WHISKEY IN MY TEA! AN' LEAVE THOSE APES ALONE!

*narrowly escapes having toes crushed by Gandalf who does not appreciate the shooting between his hooves*

[The Webjello who shot at Titania suddenly finds the view out of the window blocked by a red terror! No, wait, he isn't that terrifying at the moment, nor is he all that red, except for his kerchief. He looks just like another cowboy. Except that most cowboys don't have floor-length blonde hair, nor do they have deadly grins. This particular cowboy also has a pistol aimed at the Webjello's face.]

[Zero] Hi there.

[Zero notices the Webjello's gun, still pointing out the window, now at him.]

[Zero] ... Oh phooey. Look, can we start again?

*s to the next tree*

Hey, Zero, I've got you covered!

*there is a little red laser dot just visible on Webjello's forehead*

*removes paper bag from her head*

I ought to do something to rescue everyone, I suppose.

*Hollering* Don't kill the webjellos! They're our only link to Miz Lil!

*sees an ape aiming at Lizzy and fires over Bonnie's back. The Clydesdales stand there philosophically*

I say, did that chappie claim to have put tea in his Whisky? What sort of cads are we dealing with?!
*Takes another pot shot at the ape which slinks back. Opens door of coach and strides purposefully towards the cottage*
Tea in the Whisky indeed! I'm going to have words with these chaps.

It's ok Billy, I'm just covering Zero so he can get to to some cover if necessary.

*singing emanates from Odra's pack-I see by your outfit that you're a cowboy, toooo...!Whaa?! what's all the commotion over there! (recognizes the sounds of combatants engaged in combatants stuff) oh, no! this reeeally is not a good time to distract anyone!-disables Atelier transmission circuit of communications thingie and just listens in*

*notices a small group of apes a few yards away, puts down crossbow, quickley takes a out of a pocket and kicks it in their direction.

Picks crossbow up quickly and continues to cover Zero, whilst apes chase after the *

*Fires several rounds of banana slices at a group of apes. Some of the dimmer looking ones, noses twitching, are distracted enough to munch on the slices.*

*koff koff koff*

*from inside the cottage comes a rich southern accent*

Stand back, sir. As to tea and whiskey, a lunger must resort to whatever medication he can. You are obviously a gentleman sir, and quite rightly take issue over adulterating the Water of Life. Rest assured sir, that my rougher compatriots would not know real whiskey if it shot them at close quarters.
*koff koff*
You had better retire to your coach, sir.

*fires at Munchkin's feet*

*another window explodes inward as Billy fires another round from the winchester, to cover Lord Munchkin*

Dang! Doc Hollijello! We're up against some serious desperados, compadres!

*There is a slow but steady fire from the second window in the cabin - whenever a member of the posse breaks cover, a shot rings out. Several holes now grace the sides of the stagecoach and there are chips out of many of the rocks behind which posse members shelter.*

JUST GIVE US THE RANSOM. THEN WE'LL RETURN LIL TO YOU.

I say! That is no way to end a conversation. Well, if thats the way they want to play it, then so be it.
*Drops behind a bush, sets his hat on the back of his head, and begins to take careful aim at whatever he can see through the window of the cottage. In particular he is looking for a tea pot or a Doctors bag*

*The Apes have been laying down a withering fire. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), their aim isn't so good and they rarely come close to any of the posse. However, their fire serves to pin down the posse and who knows, one of them might just get lucky.

One particular Ape () works his way around the stagecoach, looking for the hombre that bested his mate.*

*spots what he may be looking for and fires. There is a crash, splash and tinkle from inside the cottage.*
That should teach the blighter proper British Debating Techniques. Now then, do we have a plan? Do we intend to fight our way out or in? Perhaps we could form a hollow square like at Waterloo, hmmm?

*out of the back door of the cottage leaps a horse with Doc Hollijello crouched low over the saddle. Like all the best desperados, he brought his horse into the building with him. He now gallops down the upward path as apes lay covering fire, and exits the scene*