h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Proprietor Yellowjello at your service - don't bust anythung up y'hear*

*The bell tinkles at the door and Festusjello walks in.*

Howdy, Yellow!

Phew! It's hot enough to fry a horseshoe!

Jeez Festus, I tell you this heat is certainly gettin' to folks - The Mayor is perticulerly cranky about sommat right now.

Ahm hoping that it don't mean trubble - you know ah don't like trubble !

Come on, now Yellow. Ain't yeh startin' to itch before yeh got bit? It's been quieter than a gagged gopher 'round here.

Mind you, that Celery draws trouble like a summer melon draws flies.

*the bell rings again as Reb enters the store*

Ahm looking for sumthing ........ and that sumthing is you two lily-livered coyotes. We got sum of our boys back up on the trail and they is looking to you two to help em out.

And if'n yur wondrin' about payment then have you got change for this little beauty ?

*pulls out a colt peacemaker from its holder and grins evily*

Git out and saddle up !

*they all exit*

*returns to the store weary and tired*

/* Zeppo pushes his way through the door, sniffs the air eagerly, runs over to the counter, jumps up with his front paws, grabs some beef jerkey in his mouth, and runs out. */

Hey thars a Yeller dawg the same colour as me. Well I'll be darned !

*takes several cases of bullets from the shelves and loads up every pistol, carbine, rifle and shotgun in the store*

*barricades the door and waits for trouble to arrive*

*Marches briskly past as though with urgent business elsewhere -parasol up, conveniently shading face - noting baracaded door, signs of movement inside and dim shapes of huge stock of weponry laid out in rows. Or something like that.*

*Enters through the back door and walks through to the front.*

Well, yellow, yer holed up here tighter than the feathers on a prairie chicken's rump. With all these here guns, we'll be safer than chitlin's on a city folk's supper plate.

*Settles in with several pistols and rifles near to hand.*

*Looks out the window*

Git ready, Yeller. That posse looks about to move.

HERE THEY COME!

*Pokes a rifle out the window and starts firing.*

*Picks up a shotgun and fires out the window.*

Ah sure hope nothin' gets busted in here.

*A stream of boiling water arcs through the window and takes Festus square in the chest. The force of the water throws him back into the room, but the hit is a fatal one.*

Yellow....Ah'm bleeding like a stuck hog....I got no more chance than a grasshopper in a hen house....I'm....mellllllllltttttinnnngggggg.

*Liquid jello runs all over the floor of the General Store. Soon there is just a puddle, a crumpled pile of clothes and a shotgun where Festusjello once stood.*

Festus! Don't die, man, yer my onliest friend! Oh!

*Cradles Festus' head as he speaks his last words. Tears spring to his eyes as he watches Festus slowly melt.

As the last of Festus runs away across the floor, a hard look enters Yellow's eyes. With grim determination, he reloads his rifle and returns to the window. His rate of fire is double what it was before.*

*dusk comes and Yeller wakes up amid the wreckage of what was once his prized store. At his feet lies a great number of empty bullet cases along with the remains of Festus. There is a large bump on his head and a trickle of dried red jello has run down his face*

Pur Festus ..... at least he durnt feel a thang

Ah'd better see whut happened to the rest of the boys.

*peers through the windows and sees the smoking remains of the saloon and the corral. After a while he decides to venture outside after first arming himself from what is left from his stock*

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*sets about clearing up and and making space around the stove to boil water and prepare a little repast for the rescuers.*

Just look at the dust in here.

*the apes enter, looking for bananas and dog food*

*Enters after the ape and takes a look around.*

Kinda rustic, isn't it? I wonder what they've got in the way of dry goods.

*Starts poking around looking for bolts of fabric.*