h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You wonder why. What is so important about this room. The corpse has been stripped of all clothing and jewellery, except for one item. A pendant hangs around it`s boney neck. It`s in the shape of a dragon and has an emerald for an eye. It gleams, shiny green in the light from the candles above. You feel more uneasy now than you did before. This is creepy.

Then it strikes you. You realise what the room is missing. There are no windows. You examine the walls and find that there is no sign that there have ever been. Just then you hear one single note played on the piano. You are startled and turn to find....

... a cat. It looks like the cat that was watching you under the table, but in this house you can never be sure. It is sat on top of the piano, and a dead mouse rests on one of the keys. Well, at least that's normal cat behaviour, killing mice.
You take a step towards the cat, and the mouse sits up and begins to stare at you with its gleaming eyes...

....that look just the same as the emerald in the dragon pendant.

the mouse starts to move towards you, stalking more like a cat rather than the usual scampering business. you back away from it, unwiling to let the distinctly dead smelling rodant touch you.....then you bump into something and fall backwards over it with a clatter

Where the hell that come from!! It`s an alsation, brown in colour. It doesn`t appear to be fully grown yet as it is just about knee high to you. It looks at you for a moment and then turns it`s attention to the cat.

The two stare at each other for what seems to be an eternity. The dog begins to growl and the cat archs it`s back,ready to strike. The dog knows this and makes the first move. It jumps up on the piano and knocks the cat to the floor. It quickly follows and the fight begins.

There is fur flying everywhere and the noise is almost unbearable. For a moment it looks as though the cat is going to win. It is standing on the dog`s back, claws embedded. This dog is not stupid though. It rolls onto it`s back, crushing the cat whilst doing so. Before the cat has a chance to catch it`s breath, the dog is up on it`s feet and has the cat by the throat. It is swinging it for side to side with such ferocity. Blood begins to seep from the cat, it`s paws still swinging wildly at it`s attacker. Then, the insides of it`s throat are clearly visible to you. This dog isn`t giving up till it`s opponent is dead.

Within a few minutes the cat goes limp and is exactly that...DEAD! It is tossed to one side and left to wait for the maggots to come and devour it`s flesh. The dog walks calmy, head lowered towards the piano and lays down beside the remains there. He is whimpering now. Could this have been his previous owner? Was he trying to protect it or had he come here to protect you? Either way, you are very grateful.

You notice a door out of the corner of your eye. You could swear that it wasn`t there before. It must have been how the animals got in though. You decide to move on from this room, through this door. The dog seems harmless enough now but you don`t hink you shoild hang around to find out. You slip through the door and find yourself.....

on a balcony five stories above the ground...

Suddenly the room becomes chillingly cold and you are stricken with terror as the grand piano and the harp begins playing,you turn and look to see the skeleton plaing the piano and the mouse is dancing on the keys.When you look at the harp you see a very pale faced girl with long blonde hair and dressed in a long white robe playing the harp,she looks at you and smiles but cant help thinking you should never have come here.

behind you the sky darkens rapidly and beofre you know what is happeneing there is a ferocious storm raguing with lightneing and everything, you try and come in off the balcony, even the freexing music room with the zombie piano player being better than drowing in the rain or getting struck by lightening.....but as you move to come in the french doors slam shut, locking you outside, getting wet very very fast.

as you press closer to the window to try and gain what little shelter you can you realise that inside the room the girl who was at the harp has walked over to the piano and picked up the mouse,......at the moment she appears to be ripping it's head off with her teeth.........

You are shocked by this sight. So much so that jump back, forgetting for a moment where you are. The rail of the balcony crumbles away behind you and you find yourself falling.

You were only one floor up and should have smashed to your bloody death by now. You somehow just keep falling though.

Eventually you land......

(actually we were 5 stories up, but never mind)

.....land in an olympic size swimming pool. this would have ben great if not for the fact that it clearly hadnt been cleaned out in many years and there were alls sorts of unpeasant things in there with you........and some of them seemed to be alive

(Thought we got off at the first floor coz the stairs were vanishing?)

Not only had it not been cleaned, but the water was not the brownish colour of dirt. It was more of a burgandy colour. What could have caused this, you wonder? Maybe rust, maybe not.

The stench is alsmost overpowering. You gag as you try to make your way out of the pool. You almost reach the pool edge but there is something in your way, directly in front of you, but underneath the surface. You plunge your arms into the ice cold liquid and pull out......

(ooops, just remembered about the balcony being 5 up. Sorry.)

(well, we didnt actually say how far we ran up the vanishing stairs, but i reakon the house is on a slope ok?

...........a hamock......

(fine by me)

You let the hammock go and it slips, presumably, to the bottom. At least it`s out of your way now. You reach the edge and climb out. Looks like a trip to the dry cleaners has just been added to your to-do list.

The storm isn`t easing up any. You have to get in out of it. A bolt of lightning lights up the way ahead of you and you notice a small building to your left. It could be a shed or a garage. It is closer than the house itself so you make a run for it.

At last, something goes your way, the door is unlocked. You enter quickly and catch your breath behind the door. The room is pitch black. You need to find the light switch if there is one. The matches you had brought with you are soaked through and useless. You feel your way along the wall......

......and find your fingertips are running along undressed brick work. you decide to keep walking till you hit a corner in order to assertain the dimensions of this place, and hopefully find a light switch. As you are concentrating so hard on not tripping or falling in the darkness it is a while before you realise that you have not found any corners......in fact, you must have walked at least five hundred meters in a straight line......

...that can`t be right. It was only a small building. At least that how it appeared in the storm.

Just as you are contemplating what to do next, a trap door opens beneath you and sends you spiraling down some kind of chute. You try to slow yourself down but to no avail. You just brace yourself for the impact that lies ahead....

... but the impact doesn't come. You continue around in decreasing circles, slowing until you come to a complete stop at the bottom of what seems to be a large hemisphere. The surface is so smooth you can barely feel it, and it feels vaguely warm to the touch. It appears to be reflecting light, but there is no light source anywhere that you can see.

Above the bowl that you are stuck in you can see nothing, except for...

....a kiwi....

... the bird from New Zealand/Australia, not the fruit...

...which seems to be cleaning its claws

It`s larger than that species normally is. It`s claws could take your head off before you had time to scream.

It takes a break from it`s self-clean and turns to you. You hear a voice then that says "I`ve been waiting for you. What took you so long?"

You can`t believe it!! Did the bird just speak to you???

it's huge long and very pointed beak seems to have moved in time with the words so you're guessing that's a yes....and it seems to want a reply..........

FABT