h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...you realise that there is a small hole in the plastic lid of your meal, such as could be made by a needle, or maybe one prong of a fork. Your rational side suddenly kicks in and you remember that these meals need a way for the steam to escape. You take a surreptitious look at the lid of the guest next to you, who is happily tucking into their meal. Their lid is blemish free...

...the hostess is still watching you, that knowing sly look in her eyes. You look back down at your food, wondering if you dare risk it. Why would your meal be different to anyone elses, how would she be able to make sure you got THIS one and any of the others.....?

just as you are about to bite the bullet and pick up a fork the guest next to you knocks their water glass over and as you jump back to avoid the spill the glass rolls to the edge of the table and then over on to the floor, almost in slowmotion. you lean down to pick it up and as you do you happen glance to under the table. your fingers close round the glass and then lock into place, as you become transfixed by the sight which greets you.........................

...a cat lurking, silently weaving itself between the legs of the table and of the other guests. You glance down at your hand and it is bleeding, a splinter from the glass has cut you without you even noticing. You look back up at the cat and it is advancing towards you, with a hungry look in its eyes. It almost looks as if...

......it thinks you ate the last of it's kitty cat..

the cat makes its way toward you, body low to the ground as if it is stalking prey. you try to move out form under the table but cant seem to get your body to respond, then, as the cat can almost touch you, it freezes into place. after watching the cat for a full five minutes you realise it's not breathing, it's just standing there.

then your realise that although you are breathing, you are still stuck too. halfway under the table with your hand wrapped round a broken glass and a creepy frozen cat watching you.......

Just as you think you will be stuck in this way for all eternity, the doorbell chimes throughout. It startles you and you bump your head solidly against the underbelly of the table. When you open your eyes, you find the cat is no longer there. Talk about saved by the bell.

You get up and expect to see everyone staring at you. You`re amazed to find that no one has noticed. So amazed that you begin to wonder if it did actually happen. Or was it just some kind of dream state that you slipped into?

The butler enters the dining area and announces the new arrival.....

rod jane and freddy from rainbow

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

scream half the guests, and one is so shocked that her glass eye falls out and lands in her vindaloo

This has the whole room in fits of laughter.Even the owner of the glass eye. At last the tension in the room has broken. Turns out that Rod, Jane and Freddy had a use after all.

whod'a thunk?!

Just then the door bursts open and theres lots of shouting and confusing,someone shout,POLICE,THIS IS A RAID,NOBODY MOVE,we are looking for somone with one eye.

everyone immeadiately shuts their eyes tight

Except the woman who is missing her glass eye. She picks it up out of vindaloo
and pops it back into her head. Big mistake!! It nips
and stings, making her feel like her socket is on fire and sends her screeching out of the room.

The police follow, scattering cutlery and glasses everywhere as they trip over the tablecloth. At least you don't have to worry about your possibly-poisoned food anymore.

A stampede starts, as all the guests try to follow the woman with the glass eye...

You do not join them. Instead you decide to do a little exploring. You leave the dining room and head towards the staircase. You look up and see that there are four floors to the house. Might as well start on the first one, you think to yourself, and you begin your ascent...

....which started out well, until you looked back to investigate a strange grating noise and realised that the stairs were vanishing one by noe as your feet cleared them.....

Maybe this wasn`t the right thing to do but it`s too late now. You hurry towards your destination and hope that it doesn`t disappear also when you get there.

You reach the first floor just in time before what was the stairway entrance bricks over. You are relieved that the floor beneath you is still there but can`t help but worry if you`ll ever make it back.

You put this to the back of your mind and face the task at hand. Which way now???

...you look to your left and see a corridor stretching away down the lenght of the house with closed doord off it on both sides, you can't see wahts down the end as it's dark. you look to the rights and see the open door of what appears to be a music room with a large harp and grand piano taking centre stage. it would be a friendly looking room if not for the rotting corpse that is seated on the piano stool. looking left again you realise to your horror that the darkness at the end of the corridor seems to be an awful lot closer........

You decide on the music room rather than face the approaching darkness. You hurry in and close the door behind you.

iT`s a fairly large room filled with many more musical instruments. No drums though. Pity. You could do with some tension relief at this moment. The walls are crimson red. A candle chandelier hangs from the ceilings center. There`s something missing from this room though. You can`t quite figure out what it is. It`s obvious but you are too consumed by fear to think straight.

You decide to have a closer look at the long dead body at the piano.....

as you examine the body you realise something else odd. this body didnt decompose in this room. the body is too dry for that. the remaining flesh is tough and leathery and this is whythe skeleton hasnt collapsed. if it had been decomposing in this room the flesh would have rotted away and the smell would be way worse. this body had to have been decomposing somewhere significantly drier and then moved here later.....