h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think you might be needing to get some more virgins in... these ones aren't erm... fully qualified anymore. What can I say, I'm real sorry, but I was bored, they were there, we had some s and one thing led to another sorry....

Oh for pete's sake PS Not all 42 of them?

Must have averaged, according to time elapsed, about 8 minutes each.

Talk about Wham.Bam,Slam, Thank you Maam.

Presumably he`ll be back to finish `em off later!!

You mean all 42 of them were saving themselves for 8 minutes??? Gotta talk to those girls about raising their standards a bit..

Yes, you just can't find good virgins nowadays!

*can't rememberhow llong it has been since he posted*

Do virgins have to be female? If not, then we can probably round up all those at the Star Trek conventions...

Good point Wargamer!

LOL, Star Trek sure. Though don't try the SCA crowd cause you'll be out of luck. The stories I've heard lol.

I suppose I'll have to reimburse "Virgins-R-Us" for damages now...

Hey! Maybe I can claim they were defective virgins!

*strolls off while talking to her attorney on the cell phone: Yes, and what about liability? They could what?! Slap a restraining order on PS?! Ha! I'd like to see them try! How 'bout this angle, we can say that they corrupted PS! Sure - we'll dress him up to look like a nice little college student, put geek glasses on him, a plastic pocket protector, and we'll claim damages for sexual harassement! What? Well I know this is the Church of the Holy Tail,and you know it, but come on, you're an attorney, you can make them believe it! With what we pay you to be our legal counsel, you should be able to make them believe he's the Queen Mother! NO,NO NO! I did NOT say he was a queen! I think we have a bad connection here... hold on...*

Well this will cost us a pretty penny...

Damn...

*takes out a business card from the lounge lizard she met last night* hmmmm.. the "Law Offices of Dewey Cheatum and Howe".. couldn't hurt..

*dials the number written on the back and waits for an answer* Andre?? Hi!! It's Bats... that's right the redhead with the big *ahem* Andre listen.. did you mean what you said when you mentioned you could fix any 'problem' I might have? Well I think I might need your help here. No, it doesn't involve black cherry jello, a pvc tutu and power tools! Listen it seems my high priest, you know, the synthetic rodent I was mentioning last night... huh? that's right, the one who would turn your inside out if you didn't remove your mitt from my tail. Anyway it seems he deflowered a few *cough* contract workers we had here and it appears that well.. uh.. they were meant to remain fairly floral if you know what I mean. Well I'm certain he didn't intend for it to happen.. you can fix it?? that's wonderful!!! you want me to what in return???? yes well I see your point.. you just fix it for me then we'll negotiate terms of payment.. hey I've got 42 slightly used virgins if you're willing to trade... uh huh.. well consider that part of the challenge of this job. Perfect! Thanks Andre. Bye....

*stomps off to the penthouse in a tizzy, hauling a jar of Michele's honey keylime massage balm and a muscly if slightly dumb masseur with her*

It'll be fine, no worries, we'll just pretend like nothing happened. And they were perfectly good quality virgins, briefly.

I think I'll provide some security for the new batch of virgins...
*Goes into his room with several meters of black leather, some super glue and a huge bag of razorblades...*

The leather sounds good, any PVC floating about?

*has no idea whats going on*

OH! So we're back to the leather and PVC are we?

Any excuse really, I try very hard never to leave it alone

yeah, I bet you do...

ya know if we dress those for lack of a better thing to call them 'slightly used virgins' up in pvc and leather I doubt anyone would believe they're still in good condition when they're returned.. and if we dress up the new batch I don't see anything that could keep the overheated rodent away from them..

*makes a note to pick up some salt petre just in case*

I think we need to plug PS into that machine...