h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Fellow of indeterminate age, usally found in the corner by the tallboy, only known to have moved twice from his seat since 1956.

Served with distinction in the Boer war, and three-times commended for bravery (once by the Boers, but he doesn't like to talk about that). Joined the RAF in it's very early days and was co-creator of the Sopwith camel after a particularly drunken night in the grounds of London Zoo which led to him being barred from that particular establishment for life.

In the Great War reknowned for his devil-me-care flying skills which bagged 76 confirmed kills across 13 different nationalities, including at least 26 aircraft from countries not actually participating in the war. Not allowed in Switzerland to this day...

Took part in the Battle of the Sommes, but was severly drunk at the time and can be hard pressed to remember very much of what happened. Ended the war organising the impromptu football matches that broke out between our glorious boys and the dastardly Hun (England lost on penalties).

Retired from the RAF in 1923, and after a couple of years at the wicket went to India where he still owns approximately 23% of Jodhpur, but unfortunately cannot remember exactly which 23% it is. Came back to Blighty in 1939 to volunteer himself and was promptly signed up to Bomber Command where he was Bomber Harris' number 2, and helped choose the targets for the late night bombing raids. Again the Swiss were unimpressed. Once won one of Douglas Bader's legs in a game of bridge, which he still keeps in his locker at the Club. Captured by Fritz after going along as observer on one ill thought-out bombing mission, and holds the record for most unsuccessful escape attempts from a POW camp (126).

Outstanding