h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Peers round door into what is, quite clearly, a hastily emptied broom cupboard*

Oo

*Squeezes in, closely followed by a trolley laden with files. Manages to cram these under the desk somehow. Plugs in an old-fashioned red phone marked 'Hegemony Hotline'. Lifts the receiver. The line is dead*

Ah. Oh

*Checks desk closely for signs of an inbox. No signs are forthcoming. Wonders very briefly whether chucking out the word 'independent' would warrant a slightly bigger office*

Naturally, if you became a Vice Presidential operative, you'd get a spacious oak panelled room in my wing, with access to my personal masseuse and chef.

If not... well, we'll see how long that broom closet says emptied

Pah - look at it: there's no more room, you couldn't fit a ferret in h...

Oo, looks like I was wrong, hello little fellow No, please don't ... ouch. Ow ow ow.

Yeah, you'll want to get that out of there

*pushes laptop off desk, replaces it with a bottle of ammonia*
The Vice Presidential wing beckons.

No! *cough* Never - ow! *coughcough* I shall maintain the independence of Offheg! *spluttercoughhack* ow! Not fumes nor ferrets nor anything else bitey and chokey shall ...

Ah. Hang on.

*Throws open the window, fumes escape, so does the ferret*

That's better

Right - anything I can help you with, Vice President? Anything hegemoniacal need looking to?

Yes. Why is there only one Hegemony investigating agency?

No - hang on, it's all right ... I've remembered. Offheg is constantly monitored by an independent watchdog which is charged with watching watchdogs - Offoff. This ensures that we stay within our remit.

All above board!

Hello, dear. We have nice roomy offices and rock cakes for snacking in the Presidential Wing. And the Vice President has very comfortable offices available as well. You don't have to stay in a closet.

Thankyou, Madam President!

*Squeezes out of cupboard*