h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Though I don't think this song could make anybody happier.

Then I guess we just have to make it up as we sing!

Smile little cactus, you are not alone...

...Hatifnat is waiting, off'ring you a home...

... see, the sun is shining, will you stop that moan...

*help me here, I'm running out of rhymes! *

...Hatifnat's an , not a garden gnome...

*strolls by *

Why, what a lovely cactus!! and look how cheery it is!!

It's smiling!

s through...stops...looks a cactus......s off...

*looks up after dozing off*

What was that zzzzzzoooming sound?

oh... sorry

*a naked Red Dog fleeing from the debacle of the Full Monty performed at the recent Chaps Club Valentines Day dance creeps through the garden .... his modesty protected by a large indoor pot plant borrowed from the Grand Ballroom's Ladies Powderoom*

Bother and blast it all. I appear to be lost, my clothes are still on the stage and my dashed valet has taken orf somewhere .

Now how the deuced do you get out of this place and back to the haven and safety of the Chaps Club !

lt should of be a right aa Emerald Bvld. Sir l shall be the Help Ye require. Comandant OOOHHH RRRAAA a Marine thingers.

*in vague and elf-like voice*

Nobody finds his or hers way out of here unless the s say so...

There are no streets, no boulevards, no corners, nothing...

This is a place to stop, sit down and relax, maybe even dream...

*twirls mustache*

well that sound all fine and dandy me gel, but I must get back to see the Chaps .... you see I'm the membership secretary and without me the hoi polloi and the riff raff will get in. The last bastion of sanity in a world full of doubt and turmoil will fall .. wouldn't want that on my consience and all that, what !

Besides ...

*whispers confidentially*

... I'm probably being pursued right now by a very disgruntled bunch of filly's that didn't get the satisfaction they sought you know . The dance all ended up a bit pear shaped you know - Apollo is probably still thongless and tied to a pole on stage and the rest of the Chaps have scarpered somewhere leaving me to face the music .

Do you have anything to drink perchance. I need a bit of a top up - spilt me G'n'T getting into the garden

For some reason, I have saved a goblet of a very special mix of PGGB from the latest sainting ceremony... hold it! *grabs Red Dog's arm* ...you'll have to leave something behind that guarantees your return...

I only have my pot plant on me at the moment ..... and I've only "borrowed" that from the ladies powderoom.

If you took that I'd be a little bit how nature intended me to coin a phrase, and a Chap couldn't possibly be seen in full sail without a flag up the pole, what !

What do you suggest ?

Your !

*stretches out one hand, expectantly, while holding goblet in other hand*

*suspiciously*

That doesn't sound very elvish .... more like something a Johhny Foreigner savage dreamt up. Besides my heart is pledged to another - Mrs Redders - and she wouldn't thank me for giving it up to someone I'd only just met even it it was for a drink.

*thinks*

Could you make it a double ?

A double?! How about your soul, then?

MY SOUL !!!! I'll have you know that as an Officer and a Gentleman of Her Britannic Majesty's armed forces (Retd) my soul is forever pledged to the service of my country and everyone who sails in her.

Preposterous ! the price of drinkies round here is scandalous ... I bet you don't have many happy hours here do you. Pshawww !