h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*which isn't a statue *

*Lil is still growing.. She leans against the statues leg.. and....*


The leg is warm!

Oh My!.. *looks up*.. Hello Apollo darling.. did you know I can see right up your toga??

What is it with you and togas, Lil? Are you rooting for a fashion change?
And trouser turnups? , , thrice ! Those are for people who want to trap dust traps without hoovering! Please let it be known that I am a stylish (and cleanly) god, who has the hems sown to the *inside* of his trouser legs, thank you very much! But I am also magnanimous , so I'll forgive you, Lil.

Apollo, why did you have to drop in just then? Not that you're not welcome, but I was planning to animate the statue and have it stomp on her. Now I'll have to think up something else. On the other hand, I'm kinda glad there are no tacky statues in the Amphitheatre after all. Right, back to the game.

[Nite Owl bends down to pick up Gotlib and comfort the poor creature. The anteater vomit has ally diasppeared from his shoes, so he sees the result of Lil's childish prank and reties his laces.]

"Oh, poor Gotlib. Has that naughty goddess made you sick?"

[He takes a closer look at the last splatters of sick on the grass and realises...]

"Or have you been out with the hedgehogs again? You know you shouldn't eat earthworms. Yes, I know they slide nicely down your snout, but they don't agree with you. Well, just say no! What's wrong with sticking to ants and termites? Oh, and so what? If they call you a sissy for not eating worms, they're not really your friends. My shoes? Never mind them, they are self-cleaning and wear-and-tear-proof, just like my suits."

[He conjures up a bowl of water, crouches down and puts Gotlib down next to it.]

"Just have a drink and rest a bit. If you feel peckish, there's an ant's nest over there, right where that almost naked god is standing. Yes, fire ants, your favorites. Really. You don't believe me? Alright, I'll show you."

[A hand gesture from Nite Owl, and an immens army of ferocious fire ants streams out of the nest. Within seconds, both Lil and Apollo are covered in a writhing mass of stinging soldier ants. The god of nature gives his pet anteater an affectionate scratch between the ears and stands up.]

"See? Don't worry, they won't go away, and there are plenty more where they came from."

*A waiter wanders by carrying a bottle of sweet liquier, unfortunately he falls over a pebble and drops the bottle at his feet.. it breaks, scattering it's contents all over the ground*

*The ants sense the disturbance and stream off Apollo and Lil, seeking out the presence that has brought a sweetness in the air*


Tsk.. tsk.. can't get the servants these days!

[Not only the s react to the sweet smell of booze. Gotlib suddenly perks up, too. Nite Owl, knowing that liqueur-filled s are his pet's idea of bonbons, quickly grabs him to keep him from throwing himself right into the teeming mass of inebriated insects.]

"No, Gotlib, don't. You're no match for a mob of drunken fire s. I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to wait a while."

[In no time, the s consume all the liquor, and start to stagger back to their nest. The alcohol has made them even more belligerent than usual, and when they spot Lil and Apollo, who are still standing where the s left them, white with shock, one of the diminutive yobs shouts:]

"Oi, lookit dem! Dat nekkid geezer's on our turf!"

[Several of the other hooligs sorry, couldn't resist the bad pun yell in response:]

"Geddim!"
"Whoa, he's got a chickie widdim!"
"Gedder, too!"

[And before the two unlucky gods can react, the army of p*ssed s storms towards them and carries them off, not down into their nest, but into the forest, where the creepy-crawlies proceed to do unspeakable things to them...

Nite Owl gives Gotlib another affectionate scratch between the ears, while the anguished cries of the two gods pierce the still air.]

"See? That could have been you. Just wait till they fall asleep, then you can gorge yourself. And they'll taste better, too, if they've been marinating for a while."

*Lil and Apollo are seated high above the arena*


AARRRRRGHHHH!!.. HELP ME!!..

*Lil throws her voice down to where Nite Owl believes them to be*


*Unfortunately Apollo is too busy laughing to follow up with this*

*Lil succumbs and as her resolves fails her*



Yoooohoooo!!... Hello darling.. have you been busy??

[Nite Owl sees the two gods rolling over with ter in the stands and thinks:]

"Hmm, those s must've fallen asleep sooner than I thought."

[He gives Gotlib a pat on the back.]

"I think you can go and check it out now, boy. But be careful."

[Gotlib hobbles off and disappears between the trees. Before long, slobbering and satisfied anteater grunts fill the air, interspersed with the occasional hiccup. Nite Owl now s himself right next to the two gods, who are still in stitches, and, before Lil can react, he pinches her voice and throws it over the back edge of the Amphitheatre, where it falls screaming two hundred feet into the rubble below. It's Nite Owl's turn to taunt the now silent Lil.]

"What's the matter, Lil? Owl's got your tongue? Ah, that brings back memories..."

*Placing her fingers to her lips. Lil gives a shrill whistle. A few moment later there is a whooshing noise... getting closer*


*Lil holds up her hand in greeting to her old friend.. and climbs up with ease. Pegasus gracefully carries her out of the arena to where her voice is calling to her*


*She scrambles over the rugged rocks, sometimes slipping and cutting herself.. until... there.. Her Voice is found!*


*cough*.. *cough*.. *croaks*.. see, you cannot separate me from what is mine!. *cough*


*Pegasus carries her back into the arena.. trampling over Nite Owls minions*

[Nite Owl chuckles appreciatively.]

"Nice try, Lil, but you've forgotten something. Horses belong to my realm."

[A wave of his hand and Pegasus starts to shrink and becomes immobile. What seem to be colorful decorations spring up from the ground, and a tinny-sounding waltz fills the air. Pegasus is now a wooden winged horse in a merry-go-round. The magic roundabout begins to spin, slowly at first, but constantly gaining speed. Lil finds she can't dismount from her once-living steed that's also started to move up and down while the merry-go-round turns, faster and faster and faster.]

"Getting seasick yet, my dear?"

*As she goes passed, Lil grabs Nite Owl.. pulling him onto the wooden horse*


You tell me dearest, as we ride away to my abode!


*She digs her heels into the sides of Pegasus.. and he moves faster and faster*

.. Are you comfortable darling?? </>

[Nite Owl grins and says mockingly:]

"Of course I'm comfortable, Lil. Rhythmic motions are my domain, after all. But how will you get us to your abode on Pegasus? He's wooden, and stuck in a merry-go round. He's not going anywhere."

"But not going anywhere doen't mean we should go hungry. Would you care for a snack, my dear?"

[While the roundabout is spinning faster and faster, Nite Owl conjures up a bowl of tripe, fried in lard and garnished with raw lamb kidneys and chicken livers. He holds the steaming bowl under Lil's nose, so she can get a good whiff of the pungent aroma.]

"Are you peckish yet?"

Tripe!...OOOhhh such a delicacy, darling.. Thank you!

*She hasn't told him that the wooden horse is heading exactly where she want to go*


*She picks at the tripe, enjoying it*

*she sprinkles some salt and pepper on it*

[Suddely, it's as if a veil is lifted from Nite Owl's eyes. The roundabout disappears, and to his astonishment they aren't going round in circles, but speeding high through the air towards an unknown destination. While Lil is distracted by her meal of innards, Nite Owl jumps off the wooden horse and conjures up a giant dandelion seed. Dangling beneath it, he floats softly to the ground. The horse, with Lil on it, speeds off into the distance. Nite Owl quickly scans his surroundings. Wherever he is, he's not in the Amphitheatre anymore.]

[Lil notices he has absconded, so she blows powerfully on the dandilion seed, scattering them to the four winds. Then she unfurls her magic Godess lasso.. swirls it over her head.. and captures his ankle in the noose.. Yes yanks and hauls him back in!]

*She takes him to her abode*

[Nite Owl is dangling unceremoniously upside-down underneath the flying wooden horse.]

Lassoed like a runaway calf. Oh, the disgrace... Well, let's see where she takes me. </>