h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Nite Owl, newly confirmed in his godhood and dressed resplendently in a zoot suit of deepest purple, shoes like those on the sleeve of Joe Jackson's album 'Look Sharp' (the only difference being that they're all black) and a stylish borsalino, descends the stairs of the amphitheatre with a slight swagger in his step. On the stage, beside a drum stool, his trusted bongos await him. Nite Owl sits down, puts the percussion instrument between his knees and starts drumming out a rhythm designed to lure battle-hungry gods into this most musical of arenas.]

[After almost 48 hours of nonstop drumming Nite Owl hasn't even broken into a sweat. However, a tinge of doubt begins to nag.]

"What is going on? I *am* playing this right, I've done it before. Okay, I was playing the flute then, but it's all about the rhythm. It worked on rats, it worked on kids, so why doesn't it work on battle-hungry gods?"

[A sudden thought occurs to him.]

"Surely they haven't all become... pacifists?"

[Nite Owl shudders at the idea.]

"They must have seen the posters. I covered every square inch of Mount Olympus with them. Hmm, maybe a god of Housekeeping or one of the prankster gods has removed them as fast as I put them up... But still... I mean, even the god of Sensory Deprivation couldn't have missed this amphitheatre!"

[Nite Owl lets his eyes wander appreciatively over his creation. It is indeed a sight to behold. The stage area at the bottom is a stretch of lush grassland, about 30 x 15 metres and dotted with meadow flowers. The semi-circles of seats, row upon row of them, are hewn out of the mountain rock itself and clad with the finest white marble. A forest of deciduous trees forms the back of the stage, with three paths leading through it. The two largest each emerge at one side of the stand, and the trees bordering it are covered in climbing plants like passion flower, wild morning glory, ivy and hops. The third, shorter and narrower path, leads to a small but luxurious looking building. Nite Owl sighs.]

"Oh well, fortune favors the patient. And who knows, maybe this will get me into the Guiness Book of Divine Records."

[Suddenly peckish, though, Nite Owl decides to take a short break. He puts down his drums and, with a quick wave, conjures up a hatstand, on which he hangs his borsalino and jacket, and a small table with a carafe of crystal-clear Mount Olympus spring water, a glass and a bowl of upon it. With relish he wolfs down the fruit and washes it away with a glass of water.]

"Burrrrrrrp. Aaaahhh."

[Refreshed, Nite Owl picks up his bongos again. Another wave, and a bass drum and a hi-hat stand with a tambourine mounted upon it appear in front of him. Putting his feet on the pedals, he gives a third wave, and suddenly the marble seats are filled with people.]

"That's more like it."

[He starts playing again, waiting for a god to manifest him- or herself.]

[Another 24 hours later, Nite Owl is still playing. Despite his energy, however, there are now empty seats among the audience, and some people are asleep.]

"Grmpf. And to think I conjured up these ungrateful figments!"

[Suddenly, his disgruntledness lifts. It's almost as if you can see the light flash on above his head.]

"Hey, I can do anything. If none of my fellow divinities want to do battle here, I'm sure as H-E-double-hockeysticks going to have a good time."

[Another wave of his hand, and a band appears on the grass stage. It's the 1974 line-up of the Mothers of Invention, and they immediately launch into a furiously funky version of 'Pygmy Twylite'. Beaming, Nite Owl joins in, singing and drumming.]

"Green hocker croakin' in the pygmy twylite..."

[The crowd explodes in cheers and whistles, hosts of people rush down to the meadow and start dancing. PAAARTY! Within no time, they have Mount Olympus shaking, right down to its deepest roots.]

*Lil the Goddess of Rob the Carpet wanders in*

[During a particularly sophisticated bongo solo in 'Echidna's Arf (Of You)' Nite Owl senses the presence of another deity. He quickly rounds off and leaves the stage to greet Lil, slipping into pompous mode as easily as if he was slipping on a pair of comfy dancing shoes.]

"Welcome to the amphitheatre, oh goddess of personalized floor covering! What an unexpected pleasure and unparalleled honour. Pray tell, what brings thee here? The music, perhaps? It is among the finest 20th century Earth had to offer. You are, of course, most welcome to join the festivities. Or hath the quaking of Mount Olympus disturbed thine slumber? If that be the case, please accept my humblest apologies. Three days of drumming may have led to unwarranted euphoria and corresponding loss of inhibitions where noise levels are concerned. Or could it be..."

[Nite Owl cannot help but look hopeful as he ask this.]

"...that thou art looking for a godly duel?"

*Flings off her earthly disguise. Stands to her full height, shaking her black hair loose,so it may fall down her back to her waist*

"Wouldst thou bring thy duel to this holy place and desimate the population? All because you were ousted for the rumble you made at Olympus?"


*Strokes Rob the Carpet*

[Nite Owl, who, by the way, has put his jacket back on before leaving the stage to make a good impression, realizes he might have wrongfooted some of Mount Olympus' inhabitants and hastens himself to smoothen out the situation.]

"Thou misunderstandest me, oh goddess of one clearly beloved tapestry. Firstly, I never suggested any duel should take place here. And if by 'population' thou meanest the people in this auditorium... I conjured up all of them, and if need arises, can spirit them away again so no harm will befall them."

[Looking at Lil to see if any of this has dulled her wrath, Nite Owl continues.]

"Also, I seem to misunderstand thee, too, oh goddess with the black tresses, that, if I may say so, manage to do what would seem impossible by enhancing thine already divinely radiant beauty. Ousted? Me? I've only just arrived on these hallowed grounds. If my joy over this has vexed any of my fellow deities, or even the Old Ones themselves, then I apologize most humbly, but surely they can see this is nothing more than a youthful indiscretion? A simple messenger would have sufficed to make me realise the error of my ways."

[He casts another glance at Lil, who seems to be placated somewhat. This gives Nite Owl the confidence to get to the point he actually wants to make.]

"And then, should trying to attract some attention really be punbishable by bannishment, oh raven-haired one? I may be the god of modesty, but even modesty has to be noticed to be truly effective. See, I have great plans for this amphitheatre. Having familiarised myself somewhat with the history of this holiest of mountains... Now, I would not want to cause offence to my divine brethren and sistern, well, perhaps just enough to put them in dueling mood, but it would seem that in recent times the wit and verbal dexterity of the Old Ones has been replaced with mostly unsophisticated hacking, slashing and what hast thou, the brutality of which is only matched by a dogged determination not to give up any fight, at any time, at any cost. This amphitheatre could be a means to restore the battles of the gods to a semblance of their former glory.

Though I spoke no untruth when I said I did not suggest any duel should take place here, thou werest right in inferring that that was indeed my intention. But these duels would be no ordinary ones. This is an amphitheatre, dedicated to the noblest endeavour of both gods and humankind, the arts. Any duel fought here would be conducted by strictly artistical means. Every action, or at least every attack, must refer somehow to a work of art. No violence for violence's sake. Of course, that would not stop any gods who would want to do so to go Tarantino on one another, but gratuitous violence it ought not be, for that would lead to disqualification and disgrace. A simple spell would suffice to shield the rest of Mount Olympus from any adverse consequences of these battles, but if dueling in the home of the gods is deemed unacceptable, I'll gladly bow to the wishes of my equals and relocate the entire amphitheatre."

The Amphitheatre belongs to the inhabitants of The Pond. Thus thou has no right to use thy powers here!

If thou wishes to adapt this space for thine own amusement, then thou must ask the inhabitants if thou mayst borrow the Ampitheatre.. dost thou understand me?

*moves Rob the Carpet for Nite Owl to see the face of Zeus in wrath*

[Nite Owl straightens himself, wondering if this is a challenge or yet another misunderstanding.]

"I'm afraid I do not. I constructed this amphitheatre a few days ago, with mine own godly powers, and I did *not* include a pond, puddle or pool of any kind. So, what is this pond thou speakest of, and who are its inhabitants that they want to forbid me to use my powers, or amuse myself, in what is rightfully mine?"

Looks where thou hast placed it? That may be a puddle to you, but it is a pond to me. See *points to the Meditterranean Sea*.. there are living things down there and thou hast built thine Amphitheatre directly over it!

*Shakes her head*.. I do not believe the Gods will look favourably upon you killing off their playgrounds!

*Watches Nite Owl carefully*

[Nite Owl sights]

"Hast thou perchance been smoking weeds, oh carpet-loving one? Dost thou think that I, the god of nature, would not notice even the smallest creature in even the tiniest droplet of rain water? This amphitheatre was built on Mount Olympus itself."

<quote>The semi-circles of seats, row upon row of them, are hewn out of the mountain rock [...]

"Since when are seas located on mountain slopes? The god of gravity will not look kindly upon thee for even suggesting such an unnatural arrangement, not to mention the gods of mountains and seas. But if this is thine idea of a challenge, then let's leave other gods out of this, and duel on our own merits!"

Whoops, apparently the Hootoo Powers That Be do not allow you to use < quote > (without the spaces) at the start of a, well, quote. It ally disappeared!

*Lil looks upon Nite Owl in disbelief*

Dost thou think that I doth require the *weed*? Surely even now, thy must realise that the Power That Be from the Tower do conspire to against you too?

Thou didst turn left, instead of right and hewn the rocks above Atlantis! Woe is me! The Gods will be sorely angry!



[ooc]Wilt though accept mine own apology, for lil ol' me mistook thy celubrious thread for another of a similar name. As she was enjoying herself too much, she continued even after noticing her mistake. Sorry... [ooc]

Glad you're enjoying yourself, Lil; so am I.

[Haughtily]

"One god's right is another one's left, so why should any deity bother with such trivialities?"

[Makes a quick and extremely fast pirouette. Lil gets dizzy.]

"Atlantis or Olympus, as thou hath said thyselve, I hewn the rocks above it, so how can I have covered up the gloriously blue Mediterranean Sea? Woe is thee, indeed. If thou art goddess of anything, it is of incoherence!"

Thou hast found my weakness! For I be known to many as the "confused one", but nay! I say coherently, thou hast built thine amphitheatre in the wrong place!

Thou hast destroyed Atlantis

*cuddles up with Rob the Carpet*

"Coherently? First, thou sayeth I have built over the Mediterranean, and when I disprove thee, thou claimeth I have destroyed Atlantis. According to my infallible Godly Positioning System, we are on Mount Olympus. If Atlantis has been annihilated, it was not of my doing. Perhaps the Fates have decreed 'Delenda Atlantis'."

[Nite Owl glowers at Lil.]

"I'm beginning to tire of this. I did not apply for Hootoo godhood to participate in a weak imitation of that strange Christian ritual called panto. Shouting " 'Oh yes you did.' 'Oh no I didn't.' " at one another holds no charm for me. It is time thou letst go of thine security blanket..."

[Nite Owl now sets Lil spinning. Rob the Carpet is torn from her grip and lands, softly and unharmed - for now - in one of the oak trees at the back of the stage.]

"...and maketh a choice. Duel or party? Either is fine with me. If merryment is thy choice, then feel free to join me on stage for a jam session. Or, if we duel here, doth thou accept my conditions?"

[Another wave of Nite Owl's hands, and a large billboard appears over the trees. It is transparent with opaque lettering, so as not to obstruct more of the view from the stand than it needs to, and yet it is clearly visible. It also has the property to appear only if required. It reads:

ATTACKS ONLY BY ARTISTICAL MEANS
NO GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE]

"If not, then choose a setting and I will meet thee there."

[Lil looks at Rob the Carpet hanging in the branches of the tree. She tries not to cry out for her lost comforter]


I looks upon thee with a great sadness, Owl of the Nite. For thou dost appear to be so alone in this vast arena of life.

I accept thy challenge! Perhaps we should merge them both.. we could create a dance of our duel.. TANGO!!

[Nite Owl gives Lil a sardonic smile.]

"Thy sympathy is touching, oh Dea Ex Machina, but I'm not the one who needs a comforter. A tango, thou sayest?"

[His grin widens and he signals Frank Zappa. The Mothers, who have been playing all through the divine altercation, immediately segue into their 'Bebop Tango (of the Old Jazzman's Church)'.]

"This is a special kind of tango, though. Thou mayest *not* dance to the pedestrian beat. Instead, keep thine ears on what keyboard player George Duke is doing. Those quick little notes are what thou hath to dance to."

[Straightening his purple jacket, the god of rhythm approaches Lil, moving perfectly in time with the unpredictable, quirky Fender Rhodes lines. The goddess, on the other hand, seems to have trouble finding her feet.]

Oooh!! *the floor slides beneath her feet*


So thou dost try to trick lil ol' me with thy fancy fandango!

*Takes the from his lapel and bites on the stem*

Yeady to gance??

[Nite Owl quickly and discreetly checks his copy of 'How To Bluff Your Way In Tango' and thinks to himself:]

"Oh, she's a sly one! Sidestepping the obstacles of the Bebop Tango by letting me lead. Well, she leaves me no choice. I've got to bite the, erm, ."

[He takes Lil's hand in his, places his other hand on the small of her back and takes the from her mouth with his teeth.]

"As yeady as you aye!"