h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A land of rolling fields, imposing towers, places of darkness and light, permeated by magic. It is a place of many folk: elves, wizards, men, ents and dwarves...use them as you will

[whistles a jaunty tune...] anyone here...here....here???

Wonderful place fwt! I would fight you right now just because it's such a good idea, but i'm about to take a 10-day siesta.... maybe we'll go when I get back

No problem: have a great time [where ya going?]

You didn't mention the hobbits!

Well, they're in a sleepy part, which lies forgotten except by very few. A place in which lies an unknown power...

What, electricity?

Or haven't they banged the rocks together yet?

They use gas

Hey Apollo?....Apollo!

How was your siesta? Doyawannabattle?

*from the pinnacle of Caradhas*

Up here!!

*throws the gauntlet...in FwT's direction*

[picks up the gauntlet, filling it with a rancid kipper, and throws it at Apollo's face: it hits and oozes down his face]

I accept

Ow... hit with my own gauntlet...

*realizes he is plummeting towards the ground*

Hmm. We'll need to do something about this, won't we

*the sun bursts through the clouds at the Sun God's command and quickly melts the ice-capped peaks of Caradhas. The body of water (which Apollo falls safely into) goes crashing into the plains like a South Pacific Tsunami--in FwT's direction*

Yee-Haw!!

FwT wraps Apollo in tin-foil...I'll need a second roll...or third

THe sun continues to beat down on the tsunami at such a ferocity that the water all evaporates to a massive cloud...a lightning storm

Whilst the clouds are a'formin' FwT digs a hole and hides and lightning strikes Apollo....repeatedly

...

*as Apollo continues to get zapped by lightning, he moves in small circle around the hole that FwT is occupying...catching trees and brush on fire.*



*finally manages to wriggle free of the tin foil*

Haha!! Caught like a mouse in a trap
*begins to push the flaming trees over the hole*

except that with lightning comes rain also: thus putting out the fire, mwahahahahaha ha!

FwT dries out the charcoal and sells it on the international market....with the money earnt he could buy one thing: a Monty Python-esque foot, which is then stomped onto Apollo from a great height...why mess with a classic??

*collapses more from the smell than the stomping*

oww... I see this'll take a bit more thought...
*with his face in the mud, his hand touches something hard and cold. He grips it, and realizes that it must a sword! Quickly calculating his position relative to the mountains and the passage of time (easily done, right?), he decides it must be a sword of elvish make from Hollin*

*not one to think too much, he quickly jabs it up into the foot...after escaping, he takes off on horseback (Monty Python-esque , complete with the clicking) towards Fwt*

Wait a second....[Apollo friezes whilst on horseback, as does the butterfly near FwT's face] [swaying....]

That's better: sorry 'Drive' by Incubus was on the TV: I love that song!]

Apollo continues in motion....you'd have thought that I would have moved out the way I didn't...

Im gonna have to dust myself off....[does so] This is going to take some thought.... [a bucket of nectar: the flower kind rather than the alcoholic kind: we don't want you drinking it now do we?]

[butterflies swarm all over Apollo: it probably feels like they are tickling, but everytime they take a bit of flesh off with the nectar]

That ought to do...for now

*the butterflies scatter in a thousand directions, and there is nothing left of Apollo*

*suddenly, all the butterflies burst into flames, and coalesce into an Apollo. Soon, thousands of Apollos are converging on FwT -- taking his suggestion into mind, each one is carrying a *

A lady appears round the next hill pushing a little cart calling 'free refills'

All the Apollo's run to the lady, shaking their empty glasses... FwT puts his on: all those golden thighs...[shudder]

*all the Apollos quickly finish off the , leaving FwT with a bigger problem -- a thousand heavily intoxicated Apollos!*

*They all start lunging around randomly and unpredictably... some impaling themselves on small sticks, others hurling things in FwT's general direction. By the time the third goat had splattered on the ground, mass chaos had officially ensued.*

*a group of drunken Apollos team up to lift a huge tower and hurl it mightily, directly at FwT... they chuckle at themselves, greatly amused, and some of them fall over*