h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

heavily intoxicated Apollos: do we notice any difference? Marginally I suppose.

The major problem though, is that the Apollo's are all seeing three of me: though they hit me, it's only with the tip of the tower, so I've only had a bump on the noggin!

From the demolished tower emerges Saruman the e-vil wizard. He starts making an army of orcs: he needs something to do in his retirement the poor dear.

He also makes a wizard firework, like Gandalf's, which is fired in Apollo's direction.

That should do!

*sees three dragons flying directly at him... decides to dodge the one on the left, and gets hit by the one in the middle*

*Apollo gets propelled heavily backwards, right into the confused face of Saruman. After much scuffling and a deafening explosion, Apollo sees an army of orcs headed right for him*



*trips, falls, crashes to the ground. But while down there, his hand feels something cold and hard on the ground. He picks it up... it's a ring of some sort. After resisting a strange impulse to put it in his pocket and ask Saruman some riddles, Apollo puts on the ring... much to the astonishment of the orcs... as he has become invisible*

*suddenly, a strange song comes over him*

Old fat Saruman spinning in a tower!
Old fat Saruman whiles away the hour!
Attercop! Attercop!
Down you drop!
Don't you know ol' Apollo has the power!

*smacks FwT in the back of the head for good measure *

I wouldn't have done that if I were you...

...an eye, lidless and wreathed [perfect enuciation please!] in flame descends on Apollo: it looked like an eye to begin with... Apollo is 'swallowed' by the eye...

...FwT wakes up from being brutally whacked on the noggin...feeling the back of his head, is oozing blood: I've got a bad headache!! At least I know how you feel now

*appears in Barad-Dur, regurgitated by a strange lidless eye*

Sauron: Come to me, ring-bearer...
Apollo: nooo!! My Precious!!

*jabs Sauron in his lidless eye, and amidst the confusion sends him crashing to the earth outside the open window of the battlement*

I know, I know, but hey, why not?

*looks around Barad-Dur, and makes himself at home*

Ahh... Sauron had such a comfy chair!! Minions!! Nazgul!! Your new mission, to seek out and destroy FwT!!!!

*they ride off into the distance...*

Ahhh! I'd already thought of that!

So, I put 'push' signs on doors that are pull only...and they still can't get out!

Their over enthusiasm to get through the door though, means that they push themselves through the door... and get full of splinters...their only weakness..

They run away over the hills and far away...to terrorise tellytubbyland.

The tellytubbies get a little peed off...thats very extreme for them! They come along to barad-dur and rock the foundations, knocking it over

*Crouches on the rim of the fallen tower and watches.*

...HI Runner of Myst

*as Barad-dur crashes to the ground, Apollo grabs onto the most frightening, most terrifying creation ever to grace Television...
the Teletubby Baby-Face Sun*

Good thing I'm the sun god, though this thing even frightens me!

*steers the giggling Gerber-gourd straight at FwT*

Yeee-hah!!

Ouch! Good job it didnt actually hit: otherwise I would have burned up Harry Potter stylee!

Speaking of which the diminutive wizard wannabe appears round the next bend 'Oh no a troll' he shouts, with newly found depth... then proceeding to Apollo and trying to stick his wand up Apollo's nose...

That'll smart in the morning!

*Apollo quickly brings the baby-face sun around and it gets poked in the eye with Harry's wand.*

I think that qualifies for one of the strangest sentences I've ever writeen

*while the sun and potter duke it out, Apollo leaps to the ground and picks up a huge boulder. He takes two steps, gets thoroughly exhausted, and drops it to the ground. He picks up a small stone instead, and hurls it straight into the sky...*

Antach Metamorphi teng si sol!

*the stone unleashes a maelstrom of fire raining down on the earth*

Knowing you: not that strange

Pants! [ducking and rolling over the plains, trying to avoid [and frequently failing] to avoid the flaming rocks]

What shall I do next....? [Scratching head, sparks fly off, causing a line of flame to encompass Apollo...]

wow... that's some mighty bad dandruff you got there, FwT

*notices his toga is on fire for the umpteenth time*


*takes the toga off and starts beating the fire with it, hoping to put it out*





*suddenly realizes he wasn't wearing anything under the toga*



I'm getting roasted alive! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!

Nothing on!

Freud comes in, dragging his leather couch behind him...FwT refers to himself in the third person, and lies on the couch.

Freud drones on...

*Unfortunately, Freud starts to sway FwT's thinking... and Apollo capitalizes on it*

Hey, FwT... is that your female parental figure over there??
*points*


*hopes Freud was right, and FwT can't control himself*






*remembers he's on fire*

Runs over to the female parental figure... this is YOUR female parental figure!

Nothing doing definitely!

Mom?? Is that you?!?!

*comes up with an evil plot*


Hey, why don't you give sweet little FwT here one of those great Fruitcakes you make for Christmas?!

* that should do him in*

*Reels in horror.*

...aah! I have no teeth left.

That means I'll have to be [shudder] friendly...

Wheels on a chez longue, and pushes Apollo into it...want a grape? Peeled?

Where ya goin' on your holidays?

*dodges, trips... lands heavily on a fruitcake*

Oww!!

Wait, what's that??? A grape?? I would love one!!

* a throne appears, and Apollo waits for the grape to be delivered directly to him *

Drops a grape, and Apollo slips on said grape on his way to his throne.

Ouch! That gotta hurt! A broken hip at least!