The Stretcher: The Last Word
Created | Updated Sep 16, 2009
The Last Word
It's time to reveal who won the Stretcher. But just in case there are some of you who haven't been paying attention, I'd maybe better start off by explaining what the proverbial I'm talking about.
The Stretcher is hootoo's own literary competition, with a public voting format a bit similar to the stuff familiar from reality television, a kind of Strictly Come Skanking. Its first series ran this year from January to August, with one contestant evicted each month till we found the winner – who's announced below. Everybody was set the same Challenge each time, and some were Edited Guide style writing and some were UnderGuide style and a few were just bizarre, really. For most of the time there were three of us judging, GB and me and Skankyrich, and we kind of made it all up as we went along.
A large number of Post readers have both asked how the Stretcher came about. Well, quite a few people toyed with the general idea for years, but it was really a suggestion of Jordan's in a conversation with Rich that finally triggered it. There are precursors all over h2g2 if you look, though. To give you an example, here's a Guide Entry by Waz that went through Peer Review and got some sympathetic comment, without ever quite cutting it for the Edited Guide. Nobody noticed what was really special about it, though. Count the sentences. You'll find there are 26. Now look at the first letters of each of those sentences. They're all different; a complete alphabet.
Believe me, this is hard to do as smoothly as this. But it's also just the kind of wordplay-for-the-fun of it that we wanted to encourage through the competition. We echoed Waz's game in the competition entry requirements. If you fancied a go at the Stretcher, you had to introduce yourself in 26 words, all starting with a different letter. That's really quite tough to do, and we were a bit worried it would scare people off before we even got started. Not a bit of it. We got fourteen very keen and able competitors. Their resumes are well worth a read. They were published in this introduction to the Stretcher in the Post, which makes a pretty good scene-setter to the whole competition, too.
The Post hosted the Stretcher, because it's the most inclusive forum in h2g2. Everybody reads the Post, don't they? The only real alternative would have been a competition by invitation, with its own page, but that would have been very bounded and self-referential. Once we'd decided that we wanted a competition for volunteers, the Post was the natural vehicle.
As I mentioned already, Rich was in at the start, and so there wasn't any persuading and explaining necessary. The Post's editorial staff knew all about the Stretcher, and how we'd run it, as soon as anyone did. You could even say that the Stretcher was planned and directed through the Post in the person of Rich, except you'd be wrong, because of course Rich has no creative ability whatsoever. He's massively overrated actually. He's just like our town crier, that's all. Only a really badly dressed one.
And I got involved because I was kind of lurking that aforementioned Rich/Jordan Convo. They'd have struggled to keep me out. This is very much my kind of thing, combining tangential writing and being objectionable, yeah? The choice of the third judge was more of a decision. To balance things up, they ought to be an Edited Guide champion and female. They'd also need to be just as independent-minded as the other two.
On this basis, there were loads of good alternatives to GB, of course. But we kind of realised that there was only one person who would actually kill us if we didn't pick them.
Being part of the Stretcher has to be among the best things I've done here, and I'm proud to be in the team. I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Judging itself is quite difficult, because it's hard to be objective. Certain kinds of writing styles, when they're done well, tend to appeal to particular readers. I'm no exception. I'll always gravitate to storytelling. The catch with the Stretcher is that it's meant to be just what the title says – a stretch. Nobody should stay in their comfort zone. So the natural storytellers have to write fine poetry some weeks, or sound Edited Guide material another week. And the judges have to adapt too, and judge the genre and the contestants' pieces on their own merits.
Thankfully the public voting is there to smooth out any bias, but I think we had pretty good balance among the judges to meet the requirement, too. In fact the other thing that I really value about being a Stretcher judge is the teamwork. Which reminds me, I need to thank pailaway and Taliesin, who stepped up at the end when the judging harmony waned a bit. And perversely Rich deserves credit. It was a useful lesson to me that somebody can throw cot-toys even further than I can.
It's not about judging, though. It's about writing. Everybody who took part excelled. Before we started, I read up on the identifiable thirteen, and I reckon every single one bettered their best previous contribution to h2g2 in the course of the Stretcher. That's what it's about, of course.
The three finalists were a deserving trio. Among them, dmitrigheorgheni is an immensely talented writer, spontaneous and prolific in a way that frankly makes me jealous. Tibley Bobley isn't as free-ranging, but she's peerless in her natural genre of slow-burn horror. Danny B I confess I'd underestimated as a writer till the Stretcher, but nobody has been more uplifting to read. There are few shadows in his writing, but being dark and edgy is actually a lot easier than being heartwarming. I think so anyway.
I guess there's personal bias involved, but Trout is another favourite. His first Entry really set the standard and got the Stretcher off to a flying start. All of us expected that he'd drop out before the end, and we were right, but Trout's nonchalance is part of the deal.
The mystery entrant, Merry Anne, was fun too. We still aren't sure who it is. It has to be someone who'd be embarrassed by association with the Stretcher, presumably. So you can own up now, Gnomon. (OK, not serious. I was just fishing.)
My personal favourites? OK, here's a selection...
That first one of Trout's is brilliant. If you want an object lesson in how to weave themes together, read this.
Danny B's double-letter effort was my only Perfect 10 of the competition and is for me the ultimate example of beating the Challenge constraints.
dmitrigheorgheni's split-second evocation of the first A-bomb test is truly chilling.
Since the competition's now closed, I can say without bias now that TB kept her best till last.
Beatrice's Valentine is also extraordinary. It was only one of a string of really fine Entries she put in, too.
But you'll find delightful surprises right throughout the Stretcher. Just dip into the Archive, and I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
And in among them is the Entry that won it: This one . Yes, dmitrigheorgheni is our first Stretcher champion, and a really worthy one. But it was certainly close. On a first count, I thought he'd only won because of the votes of his final rivals. In fact he'd still have won without them - by a single vote.
In a near-future edition of the Post, we intend to publish a dmitrigheorgheni retrospective, as a testament to his achievement and as a thank-you for all the reading pleasure he's provided the community with. Hopefully the man himself will contribute by telling us his own favourites, and I'm sure if he gives us an address and a chest measurement we can send a few goodies across The Pond to complete the prize.
We really ought to do this again, don't you think? Of course, any future Stretchers are up to the Community. We'd need different judges next time. I'd like to do some writing, and I know GB would too. There are others who missed it first time who are keen to compete, and I'm sure we'd welcome anyone who wants a second fix of the Stretch.
That said, let's not forget that every Researcher can Stretch at any time. All you have to do is to set yourself the challenge of writing something that seems too difficult. Think of an unlikely theme, or some requirement that you're not sure you can meet, and then take a couple of days to let your ideas gestate. After that, you'll be able to write something you never knew you had in you.
And that's just what The Magnificent Fourteen did. Hats off to them, and let's all follow their example next time.
Pinniped and (in spirit) Galaxy Babe, Skankyrich, pailaway and Taliesin
