h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Lady of Shalott - weak and feeble stereotype and completely submissive to men, the obviously stronger and cleverer sex]

I'm sure you're right my love. What would I know, I am but I weak and feeble woman and your humble companion.

[Voltear-Knowledge Seeker]

I am glad I have a companion on this adventure though where are we going my lady?

[Lady of Shalott]

Where did you come from? Oh, well, I guess the more the merrier. Are you any good at reading maps? What about dragon slaying and general swordsmanship?

(Sir Knight)
Where did he come from? Sorry Lady! I didn't mean it like that ? ? ?

I am a seeker of knowledge, violence eludes me for I do not tempt fate but with my mind. Swordmanship, I know very little of it. Dragon-slaying, yes I have read quite a bit. Would you care for me to help you read your map and make ways forward?

[Lady of Shalott]

*Takes out her silk handkerchief and softly dabs the tears from the good knight's face. She gently kisses him on the cheek *

[voltear-knowledge Seeker]

*Reaches for his quill and scribbles something down quickly on a piece of partchment*

Shall you need my assistance or will I go on my merry way?

[Lady of Shalott]

I think a knowledge-seeker may come in useful. Do you have your own collection of useful and ancient texts? My good friend here is an expert swordsman and master of life-saving, I have fantastic hair and a talent for swooning and screaming, so I guess an intellectual would give our group a good skills mix.

[Percy and Pricilla]

Hey(no pun intended), what about us?

[Lady of Shalott]

Oh, and then there's those two. They have a talent for moaning, sarcasm and general grass eating.

I do have my own collection of ancint texts that may serve some purpose to all. Some I have written, others have been passed on to me. I am glad there is a skilled swordsman for I do not fight. Who are Percy and Pricilla? I would like to join and screaming and swooning always does come in handy at times.

(Sir Knight of RM and GHC (slightly restored, well, at least wearing armour again!))
" Percy and Pressilla ar hourses, although Percy used to be a cammel that did funny things with the space time wadjacallit, thy like Havana cigars, useually after XXX."
"I think we might find you useful, we could do with some brains that arn't too tied up with havanan cigars, or swooning or crying/ being all girly!!!"
"I think it is to the dragon we should go, he resides within the mountain in teh secret Elf kingdom, hang on a mo, I have the grid coordinates here somewhere..."

(Narrator)
Knight looks through the multi-pocketed complexity of his suit of armour...

(Percy to Pressilla)
"what did he call us?"

(Pressilla to Percy)
"hay"

(Percy to prssilla)
" I said; "what did he call us?""

(Prssilla)

"no; I am hungary, where did you hide the hay?"

[Voltear turns to the group]

I have heard of the Elf Kingdon. There is apassage in a book i have of old Folk Songs describing a passage that lies beyond the tail of the dragon. i do like cigars but not obsessively. Give me the coordinates and i shall point us in the right direction.

(Sir Knight)
"I hav got the address, but can't seem to find the grid coordinates, its
the underground dragon-guarded lost Elf Kingdom, within the Kingdom of Camlott, CM9 12LG"
"I think we go that way"

(Narrator)
Knight points unthinkingly towards the stream bed...

(Dwarf 1, 2 and 3)
"Umm, excuess me/us, but we were going to come with you also. we can add a team of three expert melody singers to your tally of tallants, and we can use axe heads,
and deal with Dragons in love, which, for some reason we think might be useful oh; we can break locked doors down, by unlocking them!"

[Voltear-looking at map and then towards the setting sun and mountain range to the west]

the knight is right, over the stream bed but head towards the yellow setting sun and to the west of the mountains.

(Sir Knight)
"wow; I was right?"

(Narrator)
Knight collects their belongs and takes the lady to the hourses..

Who is still here from the group or have they already started out?

(Voltear looks around as the sun starts to set)

(Sir Knight)
"we just getting the hourses ready, oh; Dwarfs, do you have any tobacco?"(

Dwarf 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9.)
"We have a pipe and some tobacco; here you are."

(Sir knight)
"cheers"
puff
puff
puff
puff
puff
puff
puff

(Dwarfs in union)
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"
"hi ho, hi ho, hi, ho, hi"


(Dwarf 3)
"A tale of dragon fire, war and hate,
A tale of wise men,
worriors and might
,a quest for a land,
cross lands of foe,
mighty perril, death and fear,
travelers all, join the perrilious road,
ahead lies dragon, gold and wealth
only the strong survive
, the wayside littered thick,with ill-made attempts of dwarf and men,

The dragon lays, within the mountains halls
Scales as tough as iron,
teetch as sharp as diamond,
But jewls encrust his skin,
and gold fill his mouth,
his fire of death....(

(Dwarf 7)
"cheer up Dwarf 3"

Narrator)
Dwarfs continue singing, reciting poetry and smoking their pipes, whilst the Knht smokes his pipe..

[Lady of Shalott]

Blast this one-dimensional stereotpyed characterisation, I'd love a cigarette.

*sulks - in a lady-like manor of course*

*glances around, sees no-one is looking and sneaks off behind a tree with a roll-up*

(Sir Knight)
[being hawk-eyed!!!]
"Would you prefer one of these?"

(Narrator)
The Knight walks to the Lady of Shalott's hidding place behind the tree and hands her a ciggerette. The Dwarfs, rather foolishly, continue singing...

(Percy)
"don't offer me one then..."

Lady of Shalott, I have tobacco in a pouch. would you care for some?

*reaches into pocket and fishes around for pouch*

[Lady of Shalott]

Thank you both. I'll take some of your tobacco now Voltear and Knight, I'll pop a cigarette in my bodice for later. Anyone got a light?