h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Lancelot]

*Now finished oiling his armour*

*To Damsel in Distress* Look at my armour!

*Damsel in Distress looks confused*

It is made of purest gold, this is...
*Now Lancelot bangs his chest vigoursly*

*Lancelot looks very pleased with himself*

[Squire]

But Lance, the oil was for the damsels...

[Cyril the Dungeon Rat and his Cohorts]

On my signal fellers ... hold ...



Hold ....




HOld




HOLd




HOLD



and NOW ....



*BOO*

[Lancelot]
*Still looking pleased*

(to the DiD) My dear, this is the place I wanted to show you. Why dont you come over here and we'll have the food prepared *He urges the squire to start*

Merlin is coming with the fireworks at sunset. (to the maidens) Ladies! Don't let us disturb your play. We're having fireworks here tonight and everyone is our guest!

[Cyril the Dungeon Rat]

*addresses his cohorts*

Right lads, I don't want to be a kill joy, but frankly that was a little disappointing.

Bernie, you've got a good voice, let's hear it lad. George! Are you eating? Have you got enough to share? No, then I suggest you get rid of it.

I don't know where, just get rid of it.

Sid, Martha, Mike and Daphne stop playing silly bu**ers or you'll be staying behind to help clear up.

Sparky, Geoff, Ken, Liz, Myrtle and Des you lot stand over there and on my signal leap on to that brown bag over there. Charlie, you take Bert and Leeroy and get blowing - into the brown bag you fools ... if we're going to attract the attention of those maidens, we're going to have to make a loud noise.

I don't care how you blow it up, just do it and fast.

Right, the rest of you follow me ...

[squire]

*begins preparations for picnic*

*throws several large wedges of cheese into the brush to keep the rats/voles away*

*sets out the wine to let it breathe*

[wine]

Phew ... that was close. Thought I was a gonner for a moment

*A group of bards steps into the glade, they settle down and tunes up their instruments*

[Young bard]
Ho, Gwain you're a lost lad today?

[Damsel in Distress]

I'm confused!

[Lancelot]

At last a name!. I'm Lancelot, How do you do?

[Damsel in Distress]

(Coyly) Oh Lancelot! Not only are you brave, noble, valiant and true, but also, to judge from your armour, rich too! (To self) - by far the most interesting quality!

And, (flings arm, encompassing the alfresco banquet) is all this for me?

[Gawain]
*blushing - just that he is a knight and that is not a trait consistent with the personality - ignoring young bard*

Mylady, welcome to the lake. We celebrate here each year, just four weeks before the shortest night (and we go on celebrating for the period - and a bit longer sometimes}.

[Maiden #1 - now dressed]
You must have gone through so much, come here by the fire - I'll lend you a cape for the night, it might get chilly otherwise.

[Maiden #2 - dressed and siezes the opportunity]
*whispers* Lancelot, my sweet, why don't you come and talk to me for a bit?

[Lancelot]

Ah beauteous young maiden, dost thou come here often? If I said that thou hast a wondrous body wouldst thou..

**Electronic tone rings out, unmistakably 'Ode to Joy'**

**Rummages through armour in desperate mission to silence the phone. Finds it and answers it**

(Whispering, so that maidens and damsel cannot hear) Guinevere my sweet... No, not at all, just stopped in a quiet glade for a coffee... Where are you?... Kidnapped?... Goodness... Reaally... Oh, I know... Yes, I know... I know... Ohh!, I know...(Beginning to nod off)... Yes dear...Of course, dear...I'll be along presently my dear...Oh, dear, that is a shame... I'll ring you when I get close... Byeee!...Yes, Love you too, byee!

**Turns back to maiden to find her fully dressed and putting on her lipstick, Patently ignoring the gallant knight**

It seems the Queen is being held captive in the Ogres Lair. I must go and rescue her!

**Maiden totally impervious to Lancelot's pleading glance**

[maiden#1]

Well you had better get on with it then, hadn't you!

[Narrator]
Once Lancelot has left, the music plays up and the maidens invite the knight and the squires to a whirling dance, knocking food and wine over. The wine quickly seeping into the ground.

[Lancelot's Horse]

Clippity-clop, clippity-clop

[Lancelot]

Hi, guys. Still cavorting. Look, (points behind him to Queen, without dignity' thrown over horses rump) I rescued the Queen!

[Assembled company]

(unimpressed) Oh, who's a clever boy then!

[Lancelot]

I knew you would be impressed. I'm taking her back to the castle, then.

[Assembled company]

(Totally ignoring Lancelot)

[Lancelot]

Right then. I'm off to the castle, then. Now, then!

[Lancelots Horse]

Oh do shut up, you big ponce.

Clippity-clop, clippity-clop

[Guinevere]

(Snoring noise)

[Sir Dragonet]

(Peers around bush to make sure no-one is looking)

(Drops accent)

Damn, Oh never mind!!

Come on, lets go swimming!

[Morgas]
I hope the water is not too cold.

[Sir Dragonet]

(Merrily splashing in lake)

's wonderful, 's marvellous

How about a swan dive from that handily placed and suitably high rock?

[Morgas]
*shivering*
Not for me, thanks

[Sir Dragonet]

(Swimming around with very impressive crawl)

You are going to freeze to death out there. Come, don't be afraid. Its great!

(Stops and stands - luckily the pool is of just the right depth, so that the sun glistens on his manly chest)

Or am I going to have to come and get you???

[Morgas]
*chattering with cold*
y-y-yees-s-s-s, c-c-commmme an-n-nd-d g-g-get-t-t-t m-mee and mmmak-k-ke me hot-t-t-t ag-g-g-gain.
P-p-p-pleeeeezzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeee

[Sir Dragonet]

(Strides purposefully from lake, the clear water cascading from his bulging biceps and rippling thighs)

[Narrator]

Tis curious, is it not, how a change of scene has transformed our accented, weedy, but very well endowed knight into this plain speaking, muscular Knight with a curiously small... must be the cold water!

[Sir Dragonet]

But, Maiden fair, you are shivering. Here, let me rub you warm for I have no clothes to give you.

(Proceeds to rub Morgas vigorously all over.)

Is that better, or do I need to wrap you in my big strong arms?