h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Maiden]
What a beautiful day for a deflowering

[second maiden]
Let's go skinny-dipping! There's no one around. We'll be quite safe.

[First maiden]

*strips off & dives in lake*

[second maiden]

*stripes off and puts a toe in the water*
oooh, cold.
*slowly wades in*

[Lancelot](galloping by with rescued damsel in distress)

**Skids to stp. DinD goes a**e over t*t into some bushes.**

Hey, a shady glade with some shady ladies!

**Wades into water quickly. Realises has forgotten to take armour off. Too late. Bubbles appear on water surface.**

[First maiden]

*splashes about*

*splashes second maiden*

~giggles~

[second maiden]
Oh no, brave Sir Knight!
We must rescue him!
*wades over and tries to rescue him*

There's something not right about this, you know...

[Lady in the Lake] *groans*

Awww, not in me new home and everything! Bleedin' knights and maidens! 'Ere, you, Lancelot - I know you're called 'Lancelot of the Lake' but this is ridiculous! Geddouttahere, you!

*boots Lancelot out of lake*

[First maiden]
We better rescue him before his armour goes all rusty...or his ardour dampens...

*pulls Lancelot up by his codpiece*

Oh, dear, Sir! Is that a lance in your codpiece or are you just very pleased to see me?

[Lancelot]

Glug, glug.

(Opens visor, much lake water with weeds and fishes falls out)

Thank you indeed fair maidens. Yes indeed, what a lot of lance I've got!

(Struggles to shore in clumsy and less than elegant manner. Turns to continue conversation. Alas the maidens have not followed him, and he is confronted by a rather irate, tousle haired, sparkling eyed, peasant top awry, damsel in distress. He smiles winsomely.)

[squire]

*comes round the bend riding a mule*

*averts eyes as his 'betters' frolic about*

*passes the oil to Lancelot*

---

*makes a side comment to maiden still on Lance's horse*

See why they call him Lancelot du Lac?

[Lancelot]

Thanks. Nothing like a bit of three in one.

**As he raises and lowers his arm to oil the joints, he counts the ladies in the lake. One, two, three (If only an arm) and then counts the squire. One.**

Hmm, come on young man, strip off and into the lake with you.

Damsel in Distress, avert your eyes!

[First maiden]

*eyes up the squire with a twinkle in her eyes*

[Squire]

*eyes up the second maiden with an evil glint in his eyes*

[squire]

*sings a bit of that old minstrel dogerel by Adam Ant*

~Say, your cat has got nine tails~

And

~There's a whip in my valise~

[First maiden]

*sighs*

[Second maiden]



Second maiden winks at first maiden and together they walk up to Squire, lift an arm each, and carry him off to some nearby bushes.

Meanwhile ...

*[Gawain] reclines against a tree, his helmet discarded, where it has now become a temporary play area to a family of voles, who are determined to enjoy such a rare opportunity. Gawain drags lazily on a half-smoked cigarette, gazing up at the passing clouds. He amuses himself with the thought that one of them looks very like a whale or, perhaps, a weasel. He has been here for ten minutes, two cigarettes, the first urgently smoked to the butt as Gawain's craving overcame him. He tried patches a while ago, when his fitness reports came a little too close to the wire, but an early morning jog now takes care of that problem, and Gawain now sees no reason to quit something he enjoys.*

*Opposite him, [Benedict], a young lad, watches Gawain, deep in thought. He looks down slightly nervously, and his eye takes in the antics of two of the baby voles, before he steels himself to break the silence*

[Bendeict] Weren't you in the graveyard a while ago?

[Gawain] *thinks for a moment, casually:* Aye

[Benedict] So how did you get here so quickly?

[Gawain] Answered the call

[Benedict] What call?

[Gawain] The call. Just the call

*silence for a few moments*

[Bendict] But how did you get here?

[Gawain] 'Ow did you? One minute you're one place, the next you're somewhere else. Sometimes you're in more than place at the same time. This is camelot, that's 'ow it is.

*another pause*

[Benedict] *eager to know more* what happened with that vampire?

[Gawain] Dunno yet

[Benedict] When will you know?

[Gawain] When they decide

[Benedict] Who?

[Gawain] Them. *Benendict clearly does not understand, Gawain changes position, now resting his elbows on his knees* Look at the sky *Benedict does* Beyond there, that's where they are. They control, they decide, we just act. They're not very bright though, that's why Camelot is so silly.

[Benedict] Like in that film?

[Gawain] Like in that film, although not the one with Sean Connery. *another pause* Because we're just actors, you know ... I mean we can't ever control what we do or where we are. It's just fate.

*Benedict thinks for a moment, and seems satisfied. A thought then grows in his mind, and he speaks his words slowly, teasing the images from his head into language as he goes along*

[Benedict] But then, if we can't control anything, like where we are or ... anything, then why are we here? I mean right now, just doing nothing?

*Gawain takes deep drag from his cigarette. He holds it for a moment, then expels the smoke, puffing his cheeks out as he does so. He casts one uninterested glance toward the voles. The passing minute lingers.

[Gawain] Charity

[Persival]*stumbling along towards lake intending to wash off mud and dirt from falling in grave, trips over Gawain's outstretched legs*

Ouch. Seems to be my day for falling.

*glances at Gawain and Benedict and does classic double-take*

Say, weren't you guys just on the battlefield? And there are my pet voles again. Time seems to be doing really weird things today. Or maybe there was something a bit extra in that potion Merlin gave me this morning?

*wanders off toward the lake, pushes through some bushes, trips again, and is greeted by chorus of maidenly squeals and surprised yell of squire*

[Squire]

*rushes back out of the bushes with tunic on backwards, looking flushed and rather sticky*

I am still chaste! I am still pure! Honest!

[Cyril the Dungeon Rat]

We are not Voles ... we're rats ... I wish people would get that right.

*to ratty chums* 'ere lads, them thar maidens are never that keen on us rodents, what say you to going and spooking them ...