h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They work just as well as questions here.

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On a particulalry boaring Saturday evening, I was wondering through the park:
I entered through the park enterence, the two large, tall iron gates that stood open at the Northern enterence, a few piles of leaves matterilised and scattered themselves around, near the gates was a collection of dustbins, i walked through the gates, over the floor, past the bins, past and through the leaves and into the park proper.
Once through the gates, i turned, and looked back at the gates, somehow ominious in the fading light of a winters eve. the gates, viewed from this angle were still iron, large and open, still near a set of several dustbins and still being flustered by the flapping leaves flighing flitteringly around their fringe.
I turned back and looked into the park, there was a choice of two direction,a path leading south into the centre of the park, and a path leading to the two nearest corners that went west to east, or was that east to west, i stood and ponderd weather the path went wast to west or west to east for some time before deciding to head off to the west.
Lifting my left leg i raised my left foot and moved it foward and then placed it on teh ground approximatly one and a half feet from where it had began its own tedious journey, once settled on the ground of the park which was a concrete path of ittle historical or artistic merit, i lifted my right foot, moved it foward through the air, and it too, as for my left foot then recontacted the ground. I repeated this several times, and soon found myself at a position some three yards from where i had started.
By "where i started" i did of course refere to the position just inside the gate which provided a view of the paths that could be taken from that position as well as a reverse view back onto the gate which, mere minutes before i had walked through.
From my new position, i looked back, and again saw the gates through which i had walked. However, this time they definatly looked differnet, the angle from which i was looking almost obscured the most easterly of the two gates, and althoguh they were clearly still made of iron, i could no longer see the fluttering fertivily flightly flittering leaves at the foot of the gates: the dustbins, which had by this point been visible since before I entered the park, now conspired to block the view of the leaves.
I brifly contemplated traveling back and retracing my footprints to check if the leaves were still there, the difficulity with which i had had to first lift then move foward before dropping to the ground my feet, put this idea firmly to the back of my head.
Turning to face the direction in which i had chosen to travel when having first entered the park through the iron gates and having seen the leaves dustbins and iron gates, not to mention the paths, i looked apon an entirely differnet scene...

To be continued:
Don't forget to tuen in next time for the second installment of the "excitment in the park" storey.
Credits:
This program was a fish head production produced for the BBC
All right rights reserved.
Any ressembelance between the characeters in this storey with any characters in real life is highly unlikely.
The places people dustbins leaves feet dustbins gates and footpaths featured in this amazing storey of trechory and lifting feet are the interlectial propery of the creator, who ever she/he might be, if there is indeed a creator.
Furhtermore the producor accepts that there may in fact not be a creator and the whole thing could have therefore transpired by pure chance.
MMI

*applause*
*attempts to tune in for second installment *

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Welcome back laddies and ladies are you scratching comfetably? Then we shalt beginith::

As I stood, three yards from teh iron gates which I had walked thorugh, on the path heading west, i began to switch my attentions to an altogether more amazing sight bestowed by some unbannanary force to be portrayed before me on the path to the west in the opposite direction to where the dustbins stood oscuring my view of the flittering flighty fallen forgotten (not by me i might add) leaves wisking willfully aroudn the iron gate made of iron.
Before me on the ground an empty chockalate wrapper lay discarded, and aside my initial repulsion and feeling of rage obscenity and disguist i watched enchanted at its movements.
The wind first swept it up, an anazingly staggering three or even four inches off the flooor and sent it first right, then left then right then further right and then i almost collapsed under the amazement it was taken by a particular gust of wind some four or even three foot into the air before being deposited some six feet away from where i stood mexmorised by the happens.
Then it wizzed round a bit, went left then right then left then right then left then right then left then right then foward then back then left then right then right then backwards then foward and right again before going left and right and left and right and left and right and back and foward and up and down and right and left and left and bannan.
Suddenly my attention was shattered as an all-together too amazingly interesting thing happened, not more than six foot away from me to the south, a large 40 foot tall oak tree i had previously been unaware of droped an acorn,i stood petrified as my brething stopped, and i stared at this gift from the tree: what was i to do, watch and observe or take the item as evidence, this was, without doubt one of my most bone-curdelingly difficult days i had ever encounted since begining to work for the metrapolitan police..
To be continued.
What will happen?
Will our studious hereo? remember to start breathing after stopping in sudden shock of seeing an acorn?
Will he rejain his composure and continue thorugh the park?
Will the spacecraft that lands in the centre of teh park be too much, or like the large oak tree will it be complteely missed by our observent police officer for the MET?
Tune in next time to fall out.

Unfortunatly we are unable to bring you the continuing exciting storey of the amazing happenings in the park: this is now reschedaled for tomow:INSTEAD we HAVE A SHORT STOREY FOR R OARDOM::
It really seemed the correct thing to do to set about discovering only four ounces of ear-splitting screams capable to be sent through Servants to the post and for hence in moments stampeded the entire company, that broke forth into plain very good speaking piercing screams.
A young man with instinctive admittance hasn't been, when one comes to think of it helpless horror. But his very orderliness has the moment an even more from bananas and various attitudes of a garden party or to the outskirts of the smoking-room with a breathless catalogue of kebabs bleating from their seats. In chaos of fright and old brandy compounded delighted bewilderment. very good control. LA, A L'AUTRE COTE DE cold dignity.


the butler alarmed her unnecessarily about those who sniffed slightly and beehive. who was almost rude to the baskets. Baskets were at that moment a municipal washhouse. These little round things are crossing the hall.
Little round-things, not astrologers can be confirmed never.
as he sat in the rather haphazard household after lunch, talking fitfully to the village in the intervals of silver and glass and table linen revealed the brandy. putting together the broken materials of a cellar and pantry which he had irreverently patented under the name of obstinate delusions. It was partly compounded of that which was not under catering arrangements and partly of ravens in the wilderness; there were other dishes to interfere the very unpleasant ingredients, but they were never indiscriminately a cocktail.
He carefully studied one of the little round things and decided that This box with rotten eggs is the Local Government Board, who had the “She” destined mainly to have her head chopped off.

she'll be a geranium bed with religious convictions called Laura when it is seized under the Cat and Mouse Act and sent to an irresolute piece of bread he decided dribbling reverently over her leg.

It was time, he thought, to go back to the purple coat room, where the deaf ear must pretend for one of the vigorous old women the most absent-minded woman in seat in the box of round things.
He liked and admired a great many women collectively and dispassionately without singling out one for especial consideration, just as one might admire the Alps without feeling that one wanted any particular peak as one's own private property.
down the road a group of dogs were leisurely working as a politico harpoon which had, thus far not hovered the swimming pool occupied by the basket of wash houses from the small village partaking in curdling screams in crumpled old lady’s.

His lack of circler steep hill-side aroused and withheld the enterprising goats that regarded his certain sentimentally-minded view on women who had earlier watched with the straining eagerness that concentrates on the slightest movements of a human being taking them for a walk.
the room seemed to understand that the toilet would occupy his attention till he appeared at the penetrating voice of the banks of a swiftly rushing windows on viewing that river, a river that opened up regions of his callas heart and gave back a haze of heat from its waters as though it were some reason For the exactitude moment he was unwittingly possessed by an overmastering stagnant steaming lagoon, and yet seemed genuinely angry to be whirling onward with the determination of a living kebab. The slimy thing, perpetually eager like a biscuit, and remorseless began leaping savagely at any particular division of the number 1, an obstacle that attempted to out-stay its welcome beyond the course of human perpetuity. Yet, somehow his walk confronted small things of holes and slime bemired by mindless arousal of pots of money. This he thought was the things of corn flour.
However, the box of small round things could not be perceived or expected to agree with confrontation of old women bathing in open jars of jam from certain unnamed creators of political reform.

*applauds*

¦M¦

Once again we apoligize for the break in continunity of service, and we hope to restore normal programming just as soon as we have worked out what normal is.
Again we thank you for your patience, and large cheques (made payible to Mr 2legs) that you continue to send to the first door on the left, anchester M15 6HR, Mars.
Service shall be restored shortly.
in teh meantime some music for your entertainment:

*switches off music*
*starts making placard which says 'we want normal service'*

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Thank you

Your welcome

ness is a great thing

we would again like to apologize for the break in transmittion, but we can't be bothered so won't.
We are boared stiff to announce that the program, previously delayed is now again ready for its screen premier:
So, tighten your seatbelts, lossen your pants, and undo your nose: as we step again into the incredibably exciting world of the Dic from the Met, and again continue the storey of such mind boggling amazing happensing in the park.
As you will surely not remember, the most exciting thing ever had just happened: an acorn had fallen from the oak tree, a few yards from the iron gates near the bins which are at this very moment preventing the view of the flighty flittering fortitude of leaves floating aobut flippantly, we contue.

I awoke some indeterminatn time later and quickly realised that i had passed out because i stopped breathing in shock at seeing an acorn.
I stood up, and as a force of habbit elongated my nec, then my forefinger of my left hand, then the finger next to my forefinger on my left hand, then the finger next to that and so on until all my fingers but not the thumb on my left hand had been sucessfully elongated, i then proceded to elongate my thumb on my left hand.
The exertion from this elongation made me breath deeply and i paused for a moment, just long enough to turn my elongated neck and look back to the iron gates which i had previously walked through, the gates were still there, they were still iron, and i took great pleasure in seeing the dustbins also still there.
This pleasure soon turned to hatred as i relaised they the bins that is, were still obscuring my view of the flippy flighty flittering leaves that i could not see and conseuqenlcyt did not know if they were there or being flightly flippy or flerty.
I then elongated the thumb on my right hand, i paused for a elongated second, and elongated my forefinger on my right hand, this is of course not my left hand but my right hand which is at the end of my right hand; the left hand which i also have but unlike the right is fully elongated, resides most of the time on my left arm.
I ten elongated my little finger on my right hand, before complteing hte hand my elongateing the rest of the fingers.
I turned my attention, which involved a rotation of my previously elongated neck.
I stood and staired in amzment at teh acorn, what to do, my training in the Met had not been sufficently in deapth to allow for a protocol to be swiftly adopted in this situeation, so i stood and ponder, and ponder i did, for some time, a elongated hour or so in truth, but, ha ha h ah aha what wold i know of the truth for am i not a Dic in the Met?
I pondered this question, and found the answer painfully slow in coming.
Suddenly, nexxt to the acorn a leaf appeared and my mind wondered off in great interest at this new diversion: was this a trick to avert my gaze from teh acorn?
Who the hell gives a damm?
I watched the leaf, and suddenly and unexpectidly i took my shoe off my left foot and talked to it.

Thankyou for watching this exciting episode; called the foot fort back to the sight of an acorn with iron gates and dustbins and elongation of various bodily parts.
Tune in next time to find out if this was indeed a diversionary tactic and if so who constructed it and to what purpose, can you stand the worry and sense of dred that you now experiance through fear of the unknown tuen in next time to be boared to a whole new depth of sullen depravity and peanuts.
This program was a can't e bothered production produced for independant television by the sesimy street work shop, todays coour was bright black, with the numbers .1 20 and 105.

*long drawn out elongated applause*


¦M¦

I thank you
I thank you ::

We are pruned to not announce that .......

the storey so far:
the gates are iron, and the leaves near the gates which are iron have been variously flitting flurting flighing flustering and f*****g about behind the bins. The dustbins, near the ates that are iron, are obscuring the leves doing their vairous things, near the gates which are iron.
The various parts of our decetive for the Met have been fully elongated following his passing out in chock after seeing an acorn.
we continue, with our hereo the dictective for the Met talking to one of his shoes
"do you understand, why won't you answer, I ask teh questions, where did you berry the berrry? who are you, who do you work for why won't you answer who is that at the door, what are you going to do with that...""
*suddenly the flashback finishes and the Dic from teh Met finds himself again in the par, holding his left shoe up to his mouth ::
*cough
oh, i what was i doing::
with a sudden air of desiveness he turns and stairs at the acorn, and stairs and stares and looks and looks and examines the acorn, taking his life into his hands, he rugby tackles the acorn, and seizes it, reading to it its rights::
You have the right to talk
you have the right to not talk
you have the right to listen
you have the right to be wrong
you have the right to be right
you have the right to right a letter to a popular TV shef.
you have the right to elongate any two sandwiches purchased from any high street supermarket
you have the right to breath
you have the right to be beaten up in a cell as long as theere are at least two police officers present
you have the right to tea
you have the right to vote
you have the right to abstain
you have the right to ask questions
you have the right to be ill
The dic then procedes to integrigate the acorn but is sudenly knocked over by the sight of a black bird landing on a branch of another large oak tree he had also previously not noticed:
He stops breathing again, drops the acorn, forgets about the irong gate behind the dustbins which are obscuring the leaves, and the dic falls to the ground in startled amazement.

tune in next time for more tails of the solving of the great acorn crime and discover how easy it is to be beaten to an inch of your life within a police cell in teh UK in the early 21 centuary.

*elongates applause even more*


¦M¦

The finally non-penultimate epsode of our spurious examination of the mental tortures suffered by a hard working viscious police officer in the Meteropolitan ppolice in London UK: the insight of the psychologial entanglements of everyday life in a wolrd of harsh retriet and poor train timetabling.
We find our spurious hereo unconscious on the path in the park near the iron gates made of iron partly obscured by the dusty dustbins that are totally obscuring the leves doing various thing beingsin with F.

Laying on the floor the chest of our hereo hardly moving a stranger appears on the scene:
The blackbird churps, worps and snurks, pulls a worm out of the ground, and finally does its bisness on the back of the unconsious police man.
Suddenly a leaf brushes against his cheek and he slowely awakes.
Standing up he must not forget where he is nor what he has lurnt but such trepady is the everyday experiance of one so great.
He first elongates his left leg, to its fully elongated state.
Next, he elongates his right leg to its own, rahter simularl to the left leg, full state of elongation, before turning his full, diplomatic yet scientifically oriontated attention towards his ankles.
First, he pays a dutiful yet loving attention to the task of elongating his left ankle, and then as is useual, elongates his right ankle to its full state of elongation.
Standing for a moment he eyes his achievements, his left leg, right leg, right ankle and left ankle are in there fullest state of elongation possible.
He examines his arms sadly, and begins elongating his right arm, once fully elongated he seems satisified and elongates his left arm, again he inspects it carefully, before turning his attention to his wrists.
He firstly elongates his right wrist, and examines it with a slighly more inquesitive glaire, until, finally satisified he elongates his left wrist.
He looks at his fingers, and swiftly, as he realises time is of teh essence, elongates his right thumb, a pleased smile begins to creep its way across his face, he elongates his other thumb and examines them, once satisfied that each has reached its maximum state of elongation he begins elongating first his left little finger, then his right little finger then his forefingers, first the right, then the left, then his middle finger on teh left hand, the middle finger on the other hand, and then the final remianing fingers.
He stands and examins his fingers, and is pleased with what he sees.
Turning back to his surroundings he looks back, sees the iron gate made of iron, before which are the dusty dustbins obscuring the view of the flightly flitty flerty leaves that he cannot see them as they are hidden behind the dusty dustbins.
He looks to the ground sees an acorn and kicks it away, he turns, and looks at his path, and then in a change of heart decides that it is a hard life to be doing such a deed at such a late hour, he moves to the nearby park-bench, which he had previusly not seen as it had been obscured by the acorn that had previously fallen from teh oak tree he had not previously seen until the acorn had fallen..
He sits on the park bench, and reaching into his bag pulls out an elongated baggette sandiwch and begins to examine it with scarce disbelief...

Tune in next time for the next times next exciting elongated episode when we may, at great lenght disocer the tradigity hidden withhin the elongated sandwich.
Will lunch be good?
Has he forgotten the acorn?
was the acorn a red herring?
Will the herring he meets be red?
Tunein next time to find out the answers to most probably none of these pointless but none-the-less elongated questions.

*attempts to elongate applause even more*


¦M¦

that must be the most elongated applause I've ever heard

Well, it's only fitting that it should be in an elongated conversation!

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