h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A very long elongation indeed!
But let it never happen again...

¦M¦

Elongation is a way of ife, man

Indeed...

¦M¦

Elongation of the track between Ipsworth and norchester was delayed last week,
A Spokesgoat for Hardly moving PLC, said
" The union men wanted to increase the length of their constitutory tea break by 31% and add an extra 21 minutes to the coffee break time, work was held up because of this, alhtough the sudden appearance of an elongated heard of Ferrits made matters more complicated than they would have been otherwise".
The Badger conglomerate who are responsible for the tea and coffee provision fo the workers declined to comment but rummours are rife over teh role of any possible furhter Hamsters from Mars.
Meanwhile in the office of Winstone Blubberhouse Ziggy continued to play his guitar while it gentley weeped.
"you see the thing is with hoovering"
Commented the director of zyanthian protocols and Mice Watch PLC,
"its to do with the level of lighting and the calmness of the situeation, in light of recent events we can expect a glut of union calls for elongated tea and coffee breaks".
The minister for Tea breaks Mrs Sally Mostdefinatlynot has not, as yet commented, and no news from the ministry is expected until the end of her elongated rock eating holiday in the south of the west.

LOL!
I wish I could ramble on like you!

¦M¦

Its one of my (few) skills, or perhaps curses? I can just start into a thinggy like that above, with no idea where its going and get somewhere, and its a ramble because there is never any direction or intent of direction, strange, the only mental block is a starting point such as:::

It was a bone crumbeling cold wind that blew up to meet the trail of bobbing laturns along the top of the cliff edge. The passage had been difficult at best, held up for three monts in a hotel bar which they were given free residence in, the wearly traveling travelers continued on their ill-gotten quest.
Before time had come to interupt their quest the long nights had been spent eagily counting out their monies of evil, no mean feet for a party of 30 door-to-door salesmen, although, that isn't to say there were no women, although to be brutely honest it was very difficult to say at this late stage.
As they reached the top of the cliff, they peered over the edge into the dark coldness of the norht sea, and proceded to jump in, thus forfilling a prophercy of great esteem written almost 20 minutes earlier, the task was however not completed until they had cahsed in their life insurances and made a hasty retrete to a hole in the ground someone told them about which was near not to mean in kent, but, they never found, or at least claimed to never find the whole hole, which they had purchased from a estate agent who had informed htem " amaxing views over the valleys and cliffs of the eastern edge of a dizmal marsh, a bijo residence with great potential".
Neaver the less they continued to plummet into the dry sea, pausing only marginly on the way down to sell some double glaxing to a couple of other suicide attempters.
None died.
Their fall was cushioned by thte hot air released y a polition making a speech on the newly errected rock at teh bottom of the cliff, which had cost the local council tax payers a mere 23 M pounds, and as they elegently floated upwards on teh urst of hot air they thanked him.

I know how to ramble, I just can't do it as well as you... *sigh*
And it's a skill! A gift! Definately not a curse!

¦M¦

Long ago in the forgoten mists of time a legend was born, in the far out deapths of the galaxy, in a block of ordinary looking apartments a sound was heard.
The hour was late, and outsie the street lamps had already exploded in pointlessly feeble yellow light of a rather murky consistancy. Within the building a noise had stired in the corridoor a Hoover moved its way effeciently along, removing the dust of a thousand cities grim and trudgery.
The man using teh hoover looked aprehensive as if he could detect teh myriad movements of teh atoms passing through the building.
Suddenly and without warning a police syren began in the city too far away to be relivent to this storey, this will probably not feature again.
The man with the Hoover, who later became Nighthoover, rushed from the building as a car drove down teh quiet dark street, as it reached a point in no particular relation to this building it suddenly swerved and spun, resting sideways on against a lampost, the situeation had arrived.
Nighthoover sprung into action, he ran to the car, got the passangers out and put them to one side. Almost without considering the danger he tidyed teh worst of the mess from insie, various old newspapers empty cola bottleds sweet wrappers and so on were shortly placed in the trash can.
Next, with a stunning agiligty Nighthoover unraveled the extension cord and set to work on the cars interour.
By the time the police and paramedics had arrived the car had never looked so spotless, it was commented as such.
The passangers all later brought time share villas in spain.

*applauds*

¦M¦

I thank you
Late breaking news::
Introducing new version of SpamMail from the makers of the ultimate "Killer"
virus app: CompuOgre ("we know a killer app when we do it").

What does SpamMail do? With SpamMail you can:

- With a push of a buttom send messages to everyone on the internet.
- Send that message again, even off-line
- Cut your advertising budget in half a have fun at the same time.
- Bulk Mail Galore!

Well what's newin version 2.5? Plenty!
- Using special features of internet you can now have a repeating ad campaign even when you are off-line. With new built-in stealth technology you can, for example, harness others (even competitors , heh heh!) mail servers to spam your adds!

- Somebody you don't like? Mail bomb them! With a push off a button you can have a repeating message go on for weeks. The recipient address with choke, gasp, and
die! Guaranteed!

- Cloaking technology from version 2.0 has now been revamped so that no traces of the senders address will be legible. Now with new added feature so that everything in your message will be total gibberish.

- Got you salivating? Well, here's the BIG one: Now you can mailbomb everyone!
Yeah, bring down the whole of internet with a repeating mail bomb from everyone to everyone! Be somebody! Show 'em that YOU matter!

Beware of lame imitators of SpamMail (TM)!

------------ COMING SOON ------------------ a sister product of SpamMail that will make your bank account go crazy: ScamMail!
Ever seen messages with headers like "$$$ BIG Bucks NOW!$$$". Well, ScamMail will take advantage of SpamMail's unique spamming abilities to enable you to saturate the internet with myriad pyramid investment hooks.

Libertarian Party demands: Declare war on teenage tanning!

WASHINGTON, DC -- Thousands of American teenagers are tanning themselves into an early grave -- while the government stands idly by, the Libertarian Party charged today.
"It's time to declare war on the Coppertone Girl!" demanded party spokesman Bill Winter. "Instead of wasting time on teenage smoking, politicians should focus on a real health crisis – teenage tanning."

Recent news reports revealed that sales of low-SPF suntan products -- with little or no protection against the ultraviolet light that triggers tanning -- are soaring among young people. For example, the sales of low-SPF Panama Jack products surged by 40% in 1996, and no-SPF Banana Boat brand sales grew by 24%.

As a result, sunburn-related injuries jumped by 20% in some popular Spring Break locations like Panama City, Florida, as teenagers flaunt their bronze -- or bright pink -- rebellion against years of just-say-no-to-tanning medical advice. And because of the link between sun exposure and skin cancer, dark tans today will result in an explosion of melanoma in 20 or 30 years.

"Why hasn't Congress held hearings about how the $400-million tanning products industry exploits young people?" asked Winter. "And why hasn't the FDA regulated these low-SPF suntan products as dangerous
sunshine delivery systems?"

But the news gets worse. Many teenagers are bypassing suntan lotion completely and slathering themselves with no-protection baby oil.
"Baby oil is the gateway drug to no-SPF tanning products," accused Winter. "And once kids are hooked, suntan industry moguls lure them with enticingly named no-SPF products like Ultra Sun, Sizzle, and Equatorial Thrust. We must stop these death merchants before they hook
another generation on dark, sexy tans!"

But tanning isn't the only teenage health epidemic ignored by
politicians, complained Winter. For example:

* The number of overweight teenagers (12-17) has doubled since 1980, from 6% to 12%. This trend puts millions of young people at future risk from strokes, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart attacks.

"It's time to mandate Surgeon General warnings on Big Macs and fried chicken," suggested Winter helpfully. "Or maybe we could send obese teenagers to government exercise camps."

* More teenagers are becoming "addicted" to the Internet. The American Psychological Association's Council on Addiction says excessive time in cyberspace is a growing "disorder," especially among college students. McLean Hospital near Harvard University has even opened a computer addiction clinic.

"Al Gore's beloved information superhighway is a one-way road to addiction," charged Winter. "What's next: Will the CIA start selling unlimited Internet access to teenagers to raise money for Nicaraguan rebels?"

All these trends -- too much tanning, eating, and cybersurfing -- are clear opportunities for new government programs, said Winter.

"If something isn't done soon, we'll end up with a nation of well-tanned, fat teenagers hooked on the Internet!" he ranted apocalyptically. "Can't politicians do something to save our kids?"

The Libertarian Party, with such previous liberal policies as “free Sex” and “ban the tomato”, demand direct action to the heart of the US political departments, and drastic action is their response to the situeation, remarks the pro-nicotine spokesman from caffeine and spamwear international, the Revered Winstone Blubberhouse PLC.



There is coffee all over the world. Increasingly, in a world in which computing is ubiquitous, the computists want to make coffee. Coffee brewing is an art, but the distributed intelligence of the web- connected world transcends art. Thus, there is a strong, dark, rich requirement for a protocol designed espressoly for the brewing of coffee. Coffee is brewed using coffee pots. Networked coffee pots require a control protocol if they are to be controlled.

Increasingly, home and consumer devices are being connected to the Internet. Early networking experiments demonstrated vending devices connected to the Internet for status monitoring [COKE]. One of the first remotely _operated_ machine to be hooked up to the Internet, the Internet Toaster, (controlled via SNMP) was debuted in 1990 [RFC2235].

The demand for ubiquitous appliance connectivity that is causing the consumption of the IPv4 address space. Consumers want remote control of devices such as coffee pots so that they may wake up to freshly brewed coffee, or cause coffee to be prepared at a precise time after the completion of dinner preparations.

RFC 2324 HTCPCP/1.0 13 August 2000.


A Hyper Text Coffee Pot Control Protocol
(HTCPCP), Capable of permiting the full request and responses necessary to
control all devices capable of making the popular caffeinated hot
beverages.

HTTP 1.1 ([RFC2068]) permits the transfer of web objects from origin servers to clients. The web is world-wide. HTCPCP is based on HTTP. This is because HTTP is everywhere. It could not be so pervasive without being good. Therefore, HTTP is good. If you want good coffee, HTCPCP needs to be good. To make HTCPCP good, it is good to base HTCPCP on HTTP.

Future versions of this protocol may include extensions for espresso machines and similar devices.

The HTCPCP protocol is built on top of HTTP, with the addition of a
few new methods, header fields and return codes. All HTCPCP servers
should be referred to with the "coffee:" URI scheme.
Commands to control a coffee pot are sent from client to coffee server using either the BREW or POST method, and a message body with Content-Type set to "application/coffee-pot-command".
A coffee pot server MUST accept both the BREW and POST method equivalently. However, the use of POST for causing actions to happen is deprecated.

Coffee pots heat water using electronic mechanisms, so there is no fire. Thus, no firewalls are necessary, and firewall control policy is irrelevant. However, POST may be a trademark for coffee, and so the BREW method has been added. The BREW method may be used with other HTTP-based protocols (e.g., the Hyper Text Brewery Control Protocol).
In HTTP, the GET method is used to mean "retrieve whatever information (in the form of an entity) identified by the Request- URI." If the Request-URI refers to a data-producing process, it is
the produced data which shall be returned as the entity in the response and not the source text of the process, unless that text happens to be the output of the process.

In HTCPCP, the resources associated with a coffee pot are physical, and not information resources. The "data" for most coffee URIs contain no caffeine.
If a cup of coffee is data, metadata about the brewed resource is discovered using the PROPFIND method [WEBDAV].

When coffee is poured, and milk is offered, it is necessary for the holder of the recipient of milk to say "when" at the time when sufficient milk has been introduced into the coffee. For this purpose, the "WHEN" method has been added to HTCPCP. Enough? Say WHEN.

HTCPCP recommends several HTTP header fields and defines some new ones.
[SAFE] defines a HTTP response header field, "Safe", which can be used to indicate that repeating a HTTP request is safe. The inclusion of a "Safe: Yes" header field allows a client to repeat a previous request if the result of the request might be repeated.
The actual safety of devices for brewing coffee varies widely, and may depend, in fact, on conditions in the client rather than just in the server. Thus, this protocol includes an extension to the "Safe" response header:

Safe = "Safe" ":" safe-nature
safe-nature = "yes" | "no" | conditionally-safe
conditionally-safe = "if-" safe-condition
safe-condition = "user-awake" | token

indication will allow user agents to handle retries of some safe requests, in particular safe POST requests, in a more user-friendly way.
In HTTP, the "Accept" request-header field is used to specify media types which are acceptable for the response. However, in HTCPCP, the response may result in additional actions on the part of the automated pot. For this reason, HTCPCP adds a new header field, "Accept-Additions":
Accept-Additions = "Accept-Additions" ":" #( addition-range [ accept-params ] )
addition-type = ( "*"
| milk-type
| syrup-type
| sweetener-type
| spice-type
| alcohol-type
) *( ";" parameter )
milk-type = ( "Cream" | "Half-and-half" | "Whole-milk"
| "Part-Skim" | "Skim" | "Non-Dairy" )
syrup-type = ( "Vanilla" | "Almond" | "Raspberry"
| "Chocolate" )
alcohol-type = ( "Whisky" | "Rum" | "Kahlua" | "Aquavit" )


No options were given for decaffeinated coffee. What's the point?


Normal HTTP return codes are used to indicate difficulties of the HTCPCP server. This section identifies special interpretations and new return codes.


This return code is normally interpreted as "The resource identified by the request is only capable of generating response entities which have content characteristics not acceptable according to the accept headers sent in the request. In HTCPCP, this response code MAY be returned if the operator of the coffee pot cannot comply with the Accept-Addition request. Unless the request was a HEAD request, the response SHOULD include an entity containing a list of available coffee additions.
In practice, most automated coffee pots cannot currently provide additions.

Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and
stout.

Because coffee is international, there are international coffee URI schemes. All coffee URL schemes are written with URL encoding of the UTF-8 encoding of the characters that spell the word for "coffee" in any of 29 languages, following the conventions for internationalization in URIs [URLI18N].

coffee-url = coffee-scheme ":" [ "//" host ]
["/" pot-designator ] ["?" additions-list ]
The entity body of a POST or BREW request MUST be of Content-Type
"message/coffeepot". Since most of the information for controlling the coffee pot is conveyed by the additional headers, the content of "message/coffeepot" contains only a coffee-message-body:

coffee-message-body = "start" | "stop"

A robust quality of service is required between the coffee pot user and the coffee pot service. Coffee pots SHOULD use the Network Time Protocol [NTP] to synchronize their clocks to a globally accurate time standard.
Telerobotics has been an expensive technology. However, with the advent of the Cambridge Coffee Pot [CAM], the use of the web (rather than SNMP) for remote system monitoring and management has been proven. Additional coffee pot maintenance tasks might be accomplished by remote robotics.
Web data is normally static. Therefore to save data transmission and time, Web browser programs store each Web page retrieved by a user on the user's computer. Thus, if the user wants to return to that page, it is now stored locally and does not need to be requested again from the server. An image used for robot control or for monitoring a changing scene is dynamic. A fresh version needs to be retrieved from the server each time it is accessed.

In most organizations HTTP traffic crosses firewalls fairly easily.
Modern coffee pots do not use fire. However, a "firewall" is useful for protection of any source from any manner of heat, and not just fire. Every home computer network SHOULD be protected by a firewall from sources of heat. However, remote control of coffee pots is important from outside the home. Thus, it is important that HTCPCP cross firewalls easily. By basing HTCPCP on HTTP and using port 80, it will get all of HTTP's firewall-crossing virtues. Of course, the home firewalls will require reconfiguration or new versions in order to accommodate HTCPCP- specific methods, headers and trailers, but such upgrades will be easily accommodated. Most home network system administrators drink coffee, and are willing to accommodate the needs of tunnelling HTCPCP.
Coffee pot monitoring using HTTP protocols has been an early application of the web. In the earliest instance, coffee pot monitoring was an early (and appropriate) use of ATM networks [CAM]. The traditional technique [CAM] was to attach a frame-grabber to a video camera, and feed the images to a web server. This was an appropriate application of ATM networks. In this coffee pot installation, the Trojan Room of Cambridge University laboratories was used to give a web interface to monitor a common coffee pot. Of us involved in related research and, being poor, impoverished academics, we only had one coffee filter machine between us, which lived in the corridor just outside the Trojan Room. However, being highly dedicated and hard-working academics, we got through a lot of coffee, and when a fresh pot was brewed, it often didn't last long.
This service was created as the first application to use a new RPC mechanism designed in the Cambridge Computer Laboratory - MSRPC2. It runs over MSNL (Multi-Service Network Layer) - a network layer protocol designed for ATM networks. Coffee pots on the Internet may be managed using the Coffee Pot MIB [CPMIB].

Anyone who gets in between me and my morning coffee should be insecure. Unmoderated access to unprotected coffee pots from Internet users might lead to several kinds of "denial of coffee service" attacks. The improper use of filtration devices might admit trojan grounds. Filtration is not a good virus protection method.

*applauds until her hands are bright red and very very sore*
Absolutely amazing!

¦M¦

I thank you Clouds flittered attentively with the envelope of air surrounding the earth, as a glove to the hand of destiny.
Rigs and Sulivan slowely descended the trecherous path down the mountainside, carrying bundles of oxygen to the waiting fire of their homestead. As they neared their VW camper van, a small cild ran out and fell mesmorised off the cliff edge.
”one less mouth to feed”, commented Brigs; “Who the heck was that anyhow, I didn’t think we had any chidren, do we?”
Sulivan turned, his profile illuminated in the cow-light from the dark sun, “No, most definatly not, I think that child may have been irrilivent”
“Irrelivent maybe” mewsed Brigs, “dead certainly”
They finally arrieved at the camper van and placed the bundles of oxygen on the fire, which roared with delight
“MMMMM, thankyou ever so much” said fire, wringing its hands with delight, and quietly lickin Brigs’s left foot.
As the day wore on, the liht gradually grew until there was complete darkness, in a nearby tree, two acorns huddled together for warmth.
Without warning; not so much as a “hows your mother”, or “don’t mind me I am an elephant”, an acorn fell out of the tree, followed by another.
“strange” murmored Suliven from her nest of fallen clasp-shavings, “never expected that would happen”.
“Hmm, where did what do when?” asked Bris meaningfully.
“don’t worry dear, it was probably a temporal shift in the time line”.
“oh”
“yes”
“alright then”
“fine”
“you knew what I ment”
“yes”
“good”
They talked long into the day, before finally falling off the cliff and into a restless sleep.

But, however, despite claims to teh contory, the price of potatos remained unchanged at close of bisness last night, a spokesman from teh freedom from goat randomness was reported as having said,
"the milk rationing so freakish in the later summer autum chill, was stupendious in its support for the liberatarian party, claims of such magnitude as cliff-falling enterprises LTd, not yet established, yet somehow non conspiritorially suggest a greater demand for used mice than previously related to teh milk yeild quoter as established in teh bread from throaty dung drop larms, potatos, well, what can one say?"
It is hard to suggest at the current time, teh relivent importance of the young child to the procedings at teh goats anual throat clearing conference, readers will be kept uninformed.

*attempts to opena freak wormhole to the end of an amazing concert*
*the womrhole transports all the applause to the Elongated conversation*
Stunning! Absolutely stunning!

¦M¦

I didn't like the walk, I didn't even like the cattle prong. It was a long while before i realised the full measure of my prediciment; a entire conersation had ensued regarding the onuses obtained by person or persons involved in hoovering at Night; i never found out how the conersation ended.
As i watched the sea gradually set beneaht the sun, i was struck on the back of the head by a wet fish.
Three days later after a number of highly amusing postcards of fat ladies at the beach, I awoke underneath a pile of newspapers to find that my plan had not achieved it desired restul; they were ment to be magazines.
consoling my feet to a ciggerette and a bottle of wisky, i fell into a solum state of self loathing, but none was so as such that was preserved for the anger of my true inner loathing.
I acted quickly and got the night train to Berlin where I met up with "dog eyes", my German contact.
In teh following months we planed our action very carefully and then we sprung into action.
I called the locksmith and returned to blighty.
As i arrived at my front door, it was immediatly obvious that the grass had grown; this time not requireing the presence of my feet.
The locksmith unlocked the door, and i shot him to prevent being charged with mindless tedium.
Once inside and mission acomplished i hit the vodka with an increased viger and viniger and salt and peper.
It slowely resolved itself in my mind; the extension, the elongation to my house was not complete: I found the builders berried in the foundations under six foot of treckle and gave up, climed a tree and proclaimed my love for cricket.

*attempts to make everyone applause louder*


¦M¦

:: my brain hurts, must wait for recovery before more outpouring can outpour from whatever it is that outpouring outpoours from, and wherevery that might be, in the meantime we may consoul ourselfs with the knowledge that nothing unexpected can happen as long as you expect the unexpected. But, i hear you cry "how can we expect he unexpected, it is after all unexpected?", Well, the answer must of course be butterfly.

Brainaches are so annoying...

¦M¦

oh, hay pass me the straight jacket

There's a ??
There's a straight jacket??

¦M¦

Shouldn't you ask those questions in the "questions" thread?