h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jerome searched Dead Fred to find some identification. After pocketing his loose change, Jerome discovered a secret compartment in Dead Fred's shoe. Inside the compartment was a coded message. Jerome took the message home and spent three nights breaking the code. Finally, he cracked it and read:

To Fred 99283 from the Head Fred:

Report to Road-Side Diner tonight and look inconspicuous. Fred 29876 will be filming nearby and may need assistance. If you are discovered by any Jeromes, either join Fred 98765 in the Galapagos, or use the cyanide. At all times be on the watch for Myrtles.

Jerome, somewhat perplexed by the abundance of Freds in the vicinity, promptly expired.

A biting wind from the third trinitron nebula, lunged at the still warm body of Jerome, tearing at his clothes with a fervour hitherto unseen outside of Bognor. As the twin suns of Calendula set on the gory scene, a dull throbbing thud could be felt, shaking the very foundations on which the story had been built.

10 days earlier, a small bolivian reptile crept sureptitiously from it's stronghold and declared itself Lord Protector of all things Fred, and keeper of ever changing tenses. As he was to be proposing his future acceptance speech and manifesto, a gang of mauve weasels, pursued by a nashing brood of Albanian Field Mice tore into sight, throwing up a cloud of radioactive dust, emanating the smell of partly masticated blu-tak.

- That's CHEWED - for those hard of reading....

The Field mice swiftly changed tack and latched onto the Reptiles Trashing Tail, quickly Gnawing it to the bone - Whereupon a 2nd and third one erupted from his nether regions - for this was Ardyh - the Reptile of many tails.

The Mauve Weasels - alarmed by this furore quickly woke up and wondered where the heck they were, before unicycling off into the Sunrise 12 hours later....

- That's CHEWED - for those hard of reading....

The Field mice swiftly changed tack and latched onto the Reptiles Trashing Tail, quickly Gnawing it to the bone - Whereupon a 2nd and third one erupted from his nether regions - for this was Ardyh - the Reptile of many tails.

The Mauve Weasels - alarmed by this furore quickly woke up and wondered where the heck they were, before unicycling off into the Sunrise 12 hours later....

Meanwhile, back at the office, Marge was handing two reports to Fred Smith aka Head Fred. Fred nods approvingly as he reads the first report.

Fred: So, that Bolivian usurper is under attack. Good.

Fred turns to the second report.

Fred: Oh my God! Fred 99283 is Dead! I never dreamed I would be sending him to his death. And there was a Jerome nearby. I'll bet that was no coincidence.

Head Fred runs a hand through is greying hair as he thinks. An idea rubs against the edge of his brain, but he resists it. The idea persists and begins knocking, but Fred ignores it. The idea begins hammering on Fred's brain and finally he has to let it in. However, it is so shocking that he immediately throws it out again. The idea gets subtle and starts whispering. Fred pretends not to notice, but eventually can't stand it any longer.

Fred: Marge, I think we need help on this one. Get me ... get me ... Myrtle!

Marge: Not Mytrle the turtle! How can she help us?

Head Fred: We can use her as an undercover operative in the Jerome's Camp - they'll never know she's not a rock - especially with a quick paint job.

Marge: Oh, that's a crazy, but brilliant idea!! [swoon]

Fred: Oh, now Marge has gone and swooned - I knew that Idea was too brilliant to share with her...

He quickly steps over to poor Marge, but slips in the butter substitute and shatters his skull on the corner of the desk - just before he passed away he manages to activate his emergency Dropped Dead Fred recovery team - who burst out of the room's all encircling cupboards as if they were sets of overstacked cups....

Come in Blue Leader, this is Red Dog, over.

chkchckhckhckhckhckchkchkchkchckhkhhk

Come in Blue Leader, this is Red Dog, over.

chkchk

This is Blue Leader, reading you Red Dog, over.

chkchk

Fred's Dead, I say again, Fred's Dead, over.

chkchkchkchchkchkchckhckhc

Activate Plan B, Red Dog, I say again, activate Plan B, over.

chkchkchkchckhckhkchckhckhc

Message heard and understood, Blue Leader. Plan B active, out.

Right you, you, you, you, youanyou ... form a pyramid out of the paperclips and selotape Marge to the Drinks Dispenser.

Charlie. Take him, him, her, heranher to the airport and forcefeed them Mince Pies.

Call me when you get there.

I have arrived at the airport.
Will now proceed to force feed them mince pies.
Um... it looks like we have a major problem.
It seems as though somebody has secretly replaced our supply of mince pies with these brand new inflatable dart boards.
Help!!
What do I do without the mince pies!
HELP!!!!!

I said Mint Spies not Mince Pies....

The Inflatable Dartboards are actually Polo's with little radio transmitters in - feed them them.....

chhhhhhckchhhhk

Ok Red leader, Will do, over

chhchhhhhk

No I need you to do it - leave Will out of this for the moment, I have further Plans for him....

Over and Out

Chcccckkkl

Roger, Over and Out

Chhhccck

Don't call me Roger.

Chhhccck

Chcccck....

Meanwhile Marge has come around and is trying to escape from the imprisoning paperclips by slowly melting in the Sun, But the Watercooler is making this difficult, as it cools her down as well as the water.

Mytrle is practicing being a Rock, with varying degrees of success...

*CLEAR "ZAP" ... well we've got a pulse!*

Combining her skills of cunning and derring do, the rock formerly known as Myrtle, slinked along the hedge-line and extended her probe.

This mission had her name all over it - hardly subtle it must be said but then she'd never been one for pussy-footing around. There was a job to be done and this was her way of doing it.

With a deft flick of her hitherto un-noted tail, she vaulted the hedge and adopted her best rock position.

Nothing. No noise ... she was undetected - so far, so good. She hadn't spent 48 years at the Turtle School for International Espionage for nothing, in fact she'd had to mortgage her life and sell Bogota just to make it through first year, but now it was paying off. Now they'd see who was boss.

It was in fact Hugo, as Myrtle had long suspected...

But she needed Rock Solid Proof before she went to the Authorities with this information....

If she didn't she'd never pass the final exam!! And all that time and money would have been wasted!!!

Turtles travel slowly, never more so than when they are pretending to be rocks. However Myrtle finally made it to the spy academy, only to discover that that class snitch Teddy Vaughan was before her. Teddy and Hugo had chummed up at Rugger the term before and Myrtle knew he'd be telling the head all sorts of rot, and if she didn't do something quickly, it was all up for Good Old Fred! Thinking quickly, she....

pulled out a set of pipes and began playing a simple, but strangely hypnotic tune. As the sound permeated the spy academy, everyone stopped what they were doing and froze in place. This was working much better than it did on the ad on TV! Quickly, she rifled through Teddy's pockets searching for the only piece of incriminating evidence he could possibly produce to frame Fred.

....and there it was, right at the heel of his left boot. A used tissue. Myrtle quickly pocketed it, and drew a moustache on Teddy's face, adding a few pimples on his nose and chin, for effect. She only had moments before the group reanimated and the gig was up. Without a moment's hesitation, she switched Hugo's favourite fountain pen for a...

...licorice whip and turned to leave the spy academy. Just then, pandemonium broke out as everyone came to life and resumed their pandemonium practice. Hugo, seeing a fairly large rock near his left foot, picked it up and hurled it through the window. He was later to get an A in vandalism to match his earlier A in senseless violence.

Myrtle, flying through the air, thought...

..."Oh no not again"...

As she crashed to the ground amidst a heap of Whale blubber...

she tied to stand but slipped on the foul smelling slurry and landed face first in a pile of...

...counterfeit exam papers. Myrtle studied them for hours then went to resit her level 3 sitting exam, in which she was required to...

cunningly disguise herself as a mauve weasel and ride a unicycle.

This was the highest level evasion technique, to be used only when all other possible measures had been taken (including the mind control and hallucinogenics). She knew she could do it, she'd only recently evaded Fred a number of times using this very technique. Here goes....

Myrtle stripped off her clothes to reveal the skin tight, mauve, fur covered weasel costume. She unstrapped the belts that held the springy tale in place. She was just about to cunningly produce a unicylcle from ... who knows where... when something, or someone, crashed through the examination room window. She ghasped, eyes wide, when she realised it was.....

...Death, carrying a unicycle made entirely out of Bob Evans sausages. He began to sing "follow the yellow brick road" backwards as he presented the unicycle to Myrtle.

Myrtle, not recognising Death, but recognising the final elements of the international spy recognition code, hopped on the unicycle and joined in on the chorus. The examiners, who DID recognise Death, all turned ghostly white and gave Myrtle top marks before hastily leaving the area.

To celebrate her new status, Myrtle took Death to...

See a movie. Fred, who was not dead as far as he knew, looked on aghast and said, "What in God's name is going on?"

He then woke up. A tall man with dark, luxurient hair was standing over him. "Where am I?" He asked him.
"You're in a basement in Bognor. You've suffered an episode after using tainted hair die. The PM had us bring you here. I'm Jerome, of Mi6 and the VerdantLocks Colouring Company."
"Why Bognor? In fact, where is Bognor?"
"I don't know. Seems to be significant, though. Now hurry up and get in this weasel suit, we've got to get out of here before the pageant starts."
"But what's going on? What am I doing here?"
"No time for existential quandaries, let's go. OH NO!!! IT'S...