h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...

As the heart splatted to the floor in a gooey mess of goo and mess, he moved it out of his path with a deft flick of his heel. He continued on his way, stopping occasionally to adjust his teeth.

As he rounded the corner of his block, he was stopped in his tracks by the sound of a ten piece Jazz Band, desperately blowing dixie, double four time and realised in a trice that his Dire Straits album had gone missing. Hurling himself through a basement window, he found himself sitting on the far side of the room, consuming hotdogs with the candour of a man who's never seen "Yes, we have no Bananas".

As the implications of this grim discovery dawned on him yet again, he closed the lid to the hip flask, just in time as a supremely aimed mauve weasel flew threw a gap in the space time continuum and disrupted the game of poker he'd played the week before.

( how do you follow that?)

Turning it into a particularly warped game of Canasta..... He laid the seven 2's down forming a wild canasta and gave away a joker....

The wild canasta got up and chased the mauve weasel around the room, until it disappeared through a broken window into the middle of next week - tripping poor Fred up in the process, and causing him to drop the treasured hip flask. The wild canasta quickly golloped this up and galloped away into the distance - following closely in the wake of a Mounted Police Band Radio. Which squealed "chhhchhh In pursuit of subject, heading down the index... chh chhh" before falling over a precipice of ignorant Savages wearing nappies.....

"How did I get in the House of Lords?" he wondered aloud.

suddenly...

time stopped out of complete frustration. It had had enough of being bent and changed and muddled according to the wishes of grey headed men named Fred and a whole lot of silly looking mauve weasels.

All of a sudden a loud "Bang" was heard, tearing around the corner Fred rang headlong into a horrific scene of blood.

Time was standing over the bleeding remains of his continuity man. Time looked around at Fred and an evil grin spread across his face
"This is all your fault," said Time, "now I'm going to make you pay..."

"... for my dry-cleaning bill! Look at my clothes. I'm never going to get all these bloody stains out!"

"And these frigging yoghurt stains are a real pain too".

Time approached, as unstoppable as the tide, and, waiting for NoMan to catch up, turned to Fred and with a scream demanded reciprocation...

...which Fred realised he'd just run out of!

"I see your reciporocation and raise you Myrtle's address, phone number, and the six most widely read pages in her secret diary," he said.

Time looked rather surprised at this comeback and...

Slunk off to find a clock to Haunt.

Fred, feeling pretty chuffed with his defeat of time, went on to challenge Death to a duel.....

Death chose th wepons and fred chose the place. The wepons where a small cucumber and a bag of strawberries
fred chose to fight on...

... a small patch of astroturf, festooned with ornamental rabbits.

Fred selecting the bag of Strawberries, and Death, armed with his cucumber, the two faced eachother back to back.

"Fred, you will go on my first Whistle. Death, you will go on my second whistle." The tension hung in the air like a bactarian camel: it's hackles raised, it's pendulous epiglotis, glinting in the low evening sun ...

The audience waited the beginning of the conflict with bated breath.

What would happen?

Nobody seemed to know. In fact, when it really boiled down to it, nobody seemed to care, but it was a slow night on television, and ANYTHING was better than watching Neighbours reruns, even if Scott and Charlene were just about to be wed.

What nobody realised, was that, under the cloak of darkness, and shielded from notice by the more tumultuous events unfolding....

Fred had switched places with a Kipper, and ducked round the back to outflank Death in what would one day be remembered as ....

... "The Day when Fred switched places with a Kipper, and ducked round the back to outflank Death".

Death was confused. This Kipper switching game being played by his adversary, had monkeyed with his concept of reality. As he struggled to get to grips with his current situation, mulling especially long over what baring it had on the mauve weasels, the Albanian Field Mice and his lack of hair dye, it suddenly occured to him ... he still had his pyjamas on, and besides he didn't dye his hair - that was Fred.

As the kipper flapped aimlessly in the rising evening sun, gasping for air and blinking wildly, the only noise that could be heard was the hollow droning of a brigade of monochrome marsupials, plying their trade ...

.... On the non-existent Audience... as the TV company went to a commercial break, as usual the real action decided to happen - Fred leaping out on the back of death wielding a red/green/pink Sponge in the shape of a scimitar and attempting to soak up the "death" force. Death fights back with an overhead kick - which - considering he doesn't have to worry about muscles or reality or anything - he does by detaching his right leg and clubbing Fred with it over his head....

As the compere greets the Televised Audience back they separate and back away from each other circling warily.....

Glimpsing a chance to escape back to where he would be next week, Fred leapt off the stage straight in to the arms of the Bognor Beauty who herself was in a clinch with a strange bearded fellow of Middle Eastern extraction.

"Gf Fhg hgagshgj asdfjh" said Fred, desperately trying to fight off the entangling undergrowth that was Mustafa's beard.

Mustafa, enthralled and not a little excited at finding someone who spoke the same obscure dialect as himself, simply grinned a wide toothless grin and nodded with Vigour.

Vigour's nervous tic was getting bad, he took out a pencil and made a mental note ...

Fighting off the remaining few hairs, Fred, looked in to Myrtles deep purple eyes and said in low, salacious tones, "...

"If I'd known you were here, I would have cleaned my teeth before I left." And it was true, a piece of cabbage from last night's saurkraut was still stuck between his teeth.

Fortunately, Mustafa was allergic to saurkraut, and began gagging. He let go of Myrtle who grabbed Fred's hand and said....

"EWEUERK!", as it came of in her hand, and dripped blood down the cleavage of her beautiful Evening Gown.

Fred apologised profusely as he attempted to clean up the Fake blood, dabbing at her bosom, and copping a feel at the same time..

Myrtle slapped Fred with his Joke hand, while he attempted to explain "You see, ow, I decided, ow, ow ,ow!!!*That *hurt*!, that I didn't have a chance to win against...ow!, will you please stop that!.... Death, so thought he might be satisfied with a First blood Victory... OWW! - WILL YOU PLEASE STOP HITTING ME.... But before I got a chance to "lose" my Hand I fell into you and "David Bellamy" Here's lap!!".....

As the two battled out their differences, Myrtle armed with a fake hand, and Fred, handled with a fake arm, a herd of Wildebeest appeared around the corner that hadn't yet been mentioned and crushed the perplexed Mustafa in a thunder of whirling hooves.

Still they carried on battling.

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Across the road in a road side diner, sat Jerome Eisenblatter, fourth in line to the throne of Chagnulto. As he watched the squabble and the ensuing battle, he remarked to the waitress, just how strange it was, for a herd of Wildebeest to appear around a corner that hadn't previously been mentioned.

Just as he finished his third doughnut, a gangly legged adolescent started grazing on the petunias in the window box outside. Without a care in the world, it munched on the blooms, looked up, caught Jeromes eye, and lobbed it back.

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For which Jerome will Eternally be Grateful - for his other Eye had already been pining for the Fjord... (it was a Deep Norwegian Blue...).

Jerome thanked the Gangly Adolescent and asked his name.

"Fred" Fred Replied, as he Dropped Dead...