h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Time for afternoon tea.

"Marge. Would you get me my tea, please" he said, completely forgetting that there was someone else in the room.

Suddenly...

the phone rang again!

It was Myrtle!

Or at least, she said she was Myrtle. It sounded like her, but for some reason that Fred couldn't quite put his finger on, he had his doubts. Maybe it was the way she chewed gum all through the conversation, maybe it was the fact the hairs on the back of his neck didn't QUITE stand up on end, maybe it was the fact that he could see Myrtle walking down the street outside his office that very moment.

He was polite; he even tried to sound convincing as he played the part of the innocent dupe, but the imposter must have realised that the game was afoot because....

She rolled up a pair of toes.

Rolling up toes makes a most unique sound; and for a highly trained ear like Fred's, it took little deduction to deduce this from over the phone.

That could only mean one thing. One very terrible, secret, and life-changing thing! It meant that....

The Bee Gees!
Unbeknownst to him, Tony Blair had arranged for the supertrio to do a private performance for him. A better present he couldn't imagine!
Delighted he settled back as they performed "Staying Alive" in full flasetto.
However, half way throught the performance Robin Gibb suddenly collapsed. He writhed around on the floor screaming in agony as blisters started appearing on his skin, hair grew from his cheekbones and claws started growing from his oustretched fingertips.

The rest of the room backed away in shock and...

*bugger, that was a reply to the previous page, oops*
er... carry on if you will

*That's very though. I like it*

Ran for their lives!

Fred's now-numb hand dropped the phone in shock. Even the rest of him couldn't move an inch. In terror he watched the former Bee Gee turn into a....

...cuddly pussy cat. The cat rubbed up against his legs and purred. Fred muttered "That's something you don't see every day," as he reached down to pet the feline, the fake Myrtle and her rolling toes forgotten in the excitement of the moment.

Little did he know...

...that thousands of years in the future, Death, Arthur, Lucy, and dozens of mauve weasels were waiting for their old ever-evolving story thread to be restored.

But that didn't really matter to him, because he had just realized that someone had stolen his locket. The locket contained something of such incredible importance, that it could only be described in the next reply.

It was a picture of his mum, and tiny manuscript detailing a drunken conversation he had with...

Some guy with strange antannae, four arms and incredible halitosis. He seemed to remember the guy had said he was Battle Fleet commander for the Xyrothian Empire and it was something to do with invasion plans to take over the earth.... If only he had the locket, he must warn the Prime Minister.

Picking up Robin the cat he dialed a number on his mobile telephone...

but nothing happened!

He tried again.... still the same response! What could be happening?

Suddenly, something odd struck him: his phone was flourescent pink in colour, and had a picture of Happy the clown on in; he was sure it hadn't looked like that a moment ago.

First his locket gone, then his phone. WHAT WAS HAPPENING???

Fred knew just what to do! He turned to Marge, and said

"How did you become real? Your toes are only half rolled up and one curler is falling out."

Marge screamed back at him "THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID IN BED LAST NIGHT!!"

She then proceeded to slap him and walk out the window and fly away.
Now Fred noticed a few things wrong with this. Marge couldn't fly, they weren't having an affair, and turtles kept biting at his toes. It was at this point he realized he was having a dream ... he hoped.

No such luck. This was as real as it gets. And now he turned around, only to find that the door had morphed into a bit of fluoro green wall, carrying a picture of...

...muave weasels on unicycles. Another thing he was not in the habit of seeing everyday. Then one of the...

(aha, I see more of the mauve weasel gang are here )

Mauve weasels suddenly ripped forth from the picture on the fluro green door and started to unicyle rapidly around the room.

Something was clearly scaring this weasel and Fred was so distracted he didn't notice...

A big hairy spider morph into Myrtle.

"At last we meet again," she murmured in her soft, husky voice. "Oh Fred, you must know how I've longed for you all these years, how I've dreamt of this day since that last, fateful kiss. Oh Fred, take me in your arms!"

Suddenly all the mauve weasels cycled to a distant corner of the room, everything went dim and...

smelt like souer milk. The smell seemed to be coming from...

...the cupboard in the corner. He walked over to the cupboard (all the time holding his nose), opened the door and...

discovered the expensive truffles he'd bought last week, meaning them as a gift to...