h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It wasn't my fault, they shouldn't make them so small!

It shrunk in the wash

You put the washer on too high a temperature!

I forgot to put the washing powder in

I thought the washer was the tumbler!

I can't post as I have to cook.

I can't cook as I have to post!

No wait,

I can't cook.

I didn't reaslise the ceiling was so low

I didn't realise the bath was so full.

well you shouldn't have wrapped it in a bin liner

Well I didn't know you were planning to set it on fire!

Well, its cold, and it is a noble sacrifice on the cat's part..

Defence Lawyer actually said this in Court!!!!

M'lud, the only reason my client has such an appalling
record is that the local Police have a high detection rate.

I'm not saying I wasn't going over the speed limit, just that the limit wasn't very clear in that* area

Another one heard in court - back in the 60's when we had things called Quarter Sessions - (a Criminal Court in the U.K.) - Defendant
charged with burglary of a lock-up shop, which he strenuously denied, after much cross examination to which most of the answers were "UGGH" or "ERRR" ( he was not very bright but had pleaded not guilty), the Judge halted the proceedings and asked the following question. "Mr. ......... perhaps you can explain to this Court why, it you are not guilty of this offence were you found lying low in a cornfield, some 25 miles from your home at three in the morning behind a recently burgled shop with your clothing packed with cigarettes?"
Reply........"I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYWHERE ELSE TO HIDE"
When the laughter subsided, he challenged, most indignantly, "WELL IT'S TRUE, WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE GONE"

I did not mean to hit the lamp post, but it was hidden behind a group of people waiting at the bus stop.

Wow - thank God at least somebody was alert!!!

Coming home drunk one night I turned into the wrong
drive and collided with a tree I haven't got.

She looked older to me.....

Weel there was this loud *BANG* and the next thing I knew the Tree had jumped right into my path....

You,, see, Officer, I was only smoking the drugs to prevent them from getting into the hands of a young child where they might potentially do more harm, so I was protecting society by smoking this....