h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wel i had to kill you, you tried to kick me off the course.

There was beetroot in it.

They are stupid, that is why they have taken over 24 hours since they first dilivered half my shopping to diliver a little bit more, but not entirely so

One of the pints must have been bad

I set fire to it, so it doesn't work anymore.

I have an allergy to lipstick!

I think I'm allergic to Ala****er.

Yes, but don't you think it *almost* looks the same as (insert programme in use in your office here)

The reason i fell down the flight of steps leading to the Gents toilet, at Kings Cross station, on the way to the meet was because I was sobre, evidence being provided by my lack of falling down the same steps on the return journey, when I was most certainly drunk.
It wasn't my fault I was drunk, they kept serving me.

But he showed me some top quality fake ID!

Its a fake, well thats well spotted

I use Oil of Olay and that is why my face looks so young!!!

I use lard, which is why my complection is so perfect

Because.

Without Lard, Mark would fall to pieces!

as would i... I, which is the problem... I wasn't paying attention

I've only just had breakfast so it would be far too early to have lunch unless it is free, it is, oh all right then!

I've only just eaten, and thats why I've not washed up... Yet...

I thought the helper monkeys would wash up!

I am that* monkey