h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I didn't think.
for years now people have been worrying over the problem of coffee, how to create the most appetising and drinkible coffee, and I thought we had the answer, it was simple (as all good ideas are), it was right, and it was based on teh myth of 42. I created a devine and creative device, designed not only to make the most bodatious of coffee's ever seen by mere mortals and nighthooverites, and it was right, it was good, very good, and it was, and perhaps most importantly, nighthooverable, and packaged in a small black box of extreme beauty.
And all was good and remained so.
I could not predict, that is a truth, the imposibility of the prediction would make see to that.
and I did not predict.
and the next day I didn't predict, and either the next were as the before, much the same.
so, the devine creation of such a device was most excellent, most nighthooverly and most right.
I didn't realise it was deadly fatal. sorry...

What are we doing? Well this young lady offered to examine the fine stitching of my new suit and I proferred my arm in order to see in in the bright light of the street lamp. She protested that she suffers from a rare condition of the eyes which allows her to see better in dim light and so we came here to this park and stood behind the bush. She mentioned that the test of the tailor's art was in the fine hand stitching of the seams and attachments of the fly area of trousers. To really see how the zipper is attached it must be undone and since she is acutely farsighted she needed to have a close look. That is how you find her on her knees her in this park with her face buried in my lower abdomen. The money? An entirely separate business I assure you.

That? I believe she was also investigating the modern possibilities of the codpiece and was endevouring to measure for a future fitting.

The earthquake knocked it over<!>

So I turned the television on and all the channels were static except channel 2 which had what I thought was an exercise show but turned out to be the tape in the VHS which was some kind of pornography and I was in the wrong room with this young lady who turned out to be your best friend who I have never met before and I hope will never meet again considering how easily she seems to lose her underwear and everything you know it was like some kind of bad dream for me and I know it seems like a horrible coincidence but honey I swear...

The Isle of Wight

Moosejaw, Saskatchewan.

Hair immplants.

I must have got the negative and positive wires the wrong way round.

It was an emergency call so I had to take it. They gave me a number so I had to write it down. While that was happening I had to signal a left turn so you see I didn't have any hands free to steer.

I was supposed to be teleported BEFORE this all started!!!???

There was a tube strike.

...and then, the dwarf attacked my dog, so, how do you expect ME to have been able to prepare a ward spell AND a twinkling dwarf relief gel at the same time as the leash was sweeping me underfoot???

I was at the hairdressers

I was just testing to see if it was POSSIBLE to replace the yeast with Vitamin C, while making bread...

We didn't know we weren't supposed to pour the test tube down the sink!

Hey Shorty, I'm your great-great Uncle, and Brother INeff!


Nice to meet you


It hasn't happened before...

.... because, what happened was this:

I was falling down a flihgt of stairs when i noticed a slight twinkle... I of course missed the ground and ended up leaving the country for a bit.... So, umm, well... Hi!

Well of course your parents never told you that you were the result of genetic engineering, but didn't you wonder why no one else in your family had one of *those*?

It was too crowded so we came home.