h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Kick the crud out of opponents using said creatures"? So how come I got arrested for hitting someone over the head with a dwarf?

Fom now on I'm sticking to casting smells at my opponents, but this is also hazardous as I believe someone also got arrested and charged for using this tactic in a crowded police station recently. Undaunted, I await the Xmas queues at Asda with anticipation.

Hank the Drunken Dwarf is a "friend" of Howard Stern. We is a 3 foot tall midget who wears a pink bunny suit. He is always drunk hence his name.

Wasn't the highlight of Bananarama's career appearing in pink bunny suits doing backing vocals for Captain Sensible ? I'm not sure if this is a false memory as I was present in the 80s and can't remember them too well.

But I'll tell you what, those Edwardians must have had a helluva good time in the early 1900s, I can't remember a thing.

Funny I can't remember the Victorian Era either...Must have been a Blast....

The Diamond Age by Neil Stephenson is a real Blast too - well a very good novel - albeit with a disappointing ending (as I find have most of his books...) But it (funnily enough) deals with a "neo-victorian" society as one of its main precepts...

Oops sorry - got all serious there for a mo!

can't be serious*waggles finger*-- not allowed!

Being Serious is a very serious misdemeanour I shall sentence myself to twelve sups of the Pint glass....

Is that punishment enough?

Moi?

No that's certainly not punishment enough, you should be clapped in irons and then have Jonathan Ross read every word Catherine Cookson has ever written, to you.

While Jonathan's doing that the rest of us'll think up an appropriate punishment for you.

In middle ages many horrible forms of punishment were meted out by cruel tyrants (many of whom were deep fanatical religious icons) these religious icons would often spend much of their time in the bowling alleys of the dark ages. They used pigs heads as balls and toilet rolls as skittles (as created on Blue Peter) how many times i told these men not to be seen participating in such a reckless and quite frankly naughty past time. There mothers often had to be called into make them go home at the end of the day, But normallcy always prevailed and at six o clock the vicars and ministers were taken in hand and given milk and biscuits

Who would want normalcy to reign (under normal conditions, that is)? Aren't ness and ness much better? Like for instance, talking about being made of paper...(See my space, at a link under my friends...)

When good king normal took his rightful place in the unsurprising spot on a grey swivel office chair, in his entirely undistinguished castle made of grey cladding and very ordinary stone, his kingdom rapidly returned to unspecial activities. Some of his subjects made bread. Others ate cheese. One tried putting squirrels in a bag, but he was punished in a manner that surprised no one, and wasn't very eventful. Presently, after a rather mundane amount of time passed, a princess arrived at the village. She didn't really look or behave like anything out of the ordinary, so the king quickly fell in love with her, in a reasonable and rather pleasantly ordinary way. But the princess was not interested in the kings favours. She was merely searching for two fabled musicians.. a Mr Chas, who played honkey tonk piano, and a Mr Dave, who played bass. The locals were astounded, for Dave was like a God to them, and lo, the lead the princess to a rather ordinary puddle and bid her look into it and see if there was anything about it that was not mundane. And, a few miles away, in a small undistinguished house, a woman did the hoovering..

POD... You always beat me on the length of your posts, but i'll get you next time

Like a giant hoover the great eagle swept down, it's toupee flapping in the grand breeze it had whipped up quiet a storm as it passed the A£ a quatre of a mile back, but it's mission was a lot more devious than the simple flapping of a wig. This eagle was part of the devonshire milk assosiation (devon knows why they make it so creamy) little by little this eagle had been working it's way under many doorsteps, doormats, door salesman, shoe horns and bugle players. In it's dastardly plan Eagle had to hob nob with the most dangerous and cruel people that B and Q had ever known.

But eagle didn't like his job, he wasn't happy or fufilled in any of those good old house on the prarie sort of ways he felt bad in a sort of house on haunted hill way (the old movie not the new one with all those underdressed broads and huge expensive sets)
To conquer his malaise he went on a tour with a man named one eyed joe, he hoped to leave the country for a little whle, maybe shake the dirt off his tail feathers, but the call of the doormats and shoe scrapers brought him back, back he came like a little lost puppet until one day he found the boss called him up, clipped his wings and sent him packing.

The most dangerous person known to B&Q is Dr. Deckchair Funderlick. Oh yes, he's been on their list for some time now...

Ice creams are fun to lick, particularly the green twizelly ones with the sorbet, Other things that are fun to lick include ice, unsuspecting people's ears/necks and batteries

My favourite ice cream used to be one called a "Wibbly Wobbly Wonder". Unfortunately, I could never bring myself to ask for one in shops. So I just stick to "Loop The Loop"s.

Twenty times my friend made me go on that loop-the-loop and every single time i was sick. And believe me that isn't a nice prospect when you're singing the beatles at the top of your voice and your friend is screaming at you to shut up. But she made me do it and that's my excuse (the looping not the singing) and now i have to go home and wash

Washday was always a day of great fun and frivolity in the house of Max Moron, whereby he wore all his clothes and sheets and bunjee jumped into the River off of the nearest bridge - the continuous Dunking caused by his bouncing made sure most of the items were clean enough to carry on wearing for another week - except, that is, for his trousers....

which were made of dayglo orange perspex and clashed hideously with his grey speckled walking socks which he wore on a very enjoyable walking tour of Runcorn one midsummer nights harvest festival.

Enshrined in reliving the past the memorials encircled her mind, drawing faint lines of passage over her fading features.
Surprising to on-lookers, but the seemingly tranquil image of the lady before me in the chair quietly sipping a china cup of Earl grey tea, was somewhat more than unusual…
Not embodied by the rather calm situation of her current situation, and not embarrassed to confess, or at least tell of her achievements in a matter-of-fact way, is the very essence of the woman and her honest nature personified.
Her deference to the task-in-hand portrayed no issue of presence, and she continued sipping her tea, and idly munching on a cucumber sandwich in the afternoon light.
Suddenly, disturbing the afternoon tranquillity, came the sharp sound of horses' hoofs and grating wheels against the curb, followed by a sharp pull at the bell.
My host did not seem to hear, but recognition was clear, but reaction slow. Gradually, after a further two sips of the Earl grey, and another, final bite of her cucumber sandwich, my immaculate host went to the door. A muffled conversation in the hall, the sound of the door creaking on its hinges, and then, as imminent as a fart, the door closed and the host returned, carrying a fresh tray of buns and confectionary of all manners, and of such majesty.
I moved my left foot slightly and brushed a piece of dust of my trouser leg.
She placed the tray next the cucumber sandwich tray, and refilled our cups.
The picture on the wall directly ahead of me suddenly caught my attention and I studied it intensely, in the process spilling my cup of Early Grey down my right leg.
The picture was blank, well, that’s modern art for you; just a blank piece of black paper, perhaps card, in a frame, behind glass, and with what looked like a signature in one, the right hand lower I seem to remember corner.
I picked up a rather tempting confectionary delight of some enchanted creation. It was not, ass you might say, as nice as I thought it might be. I had another cucumber sandwich, but, to my surprise before I could take the first bite, my host grabbed the sandwich and promptly ate it, only turning to tip further Tea onto my already wet diviing apparel.
It is interesting to note the general mood of the room, an electric atmosphere had been created amongst the clutter and gatherings of afternoon tea.
The host, at this point decided against diplomacy, and promptly died. I didn’t visit again.

Or, rearranged:
My host, final bite of her cucumber sandwich and with what looked like a fart, perhaps card, to the sandwich and promptly died. The host, as nice as nice as a blank piece of dust of the clutter and another, and promptly ate it intensely, and the process spilling my immaculate host grabbed the cucumber sandwich, came the Earl grey, final bite of buns and then, perhaps card, as I seem to note the room, in the wall directly ahead of horses hoofs and another cucumber sandwich and the sharp pull at this point decided against the host returned, my attention and brushed a piece of dust of buns and with what looked like a rather tempting confectionary delight of the sound of my right leg. It is interesting to note the host grabbed the bell. The host grabbed the wall directly ahead of me suddenly caught my right leg. Suddenly, my host went to tip further Tea onto my trouser leg. The picture on its hinges, as imminent as imminent as nice as nice as I could take the door creaking on a rather tempting confectionary delight of me suddenly caught my trouser leg. It is interesting to my right hand lower I studied it might be. It was blank, an electric atmosphere had another cucumber sandwich, my host grabbed the sound of black paper, followed by a fart, perhaps card, came the hall, and confectionary of me suddenly caught my surprise before I could take the host went to remember corner.

Sorry, I couldn't resist the opportunity. I recently found something that rearranges text using a word-frequency table, and this looked like something good to apply it to. The result was even more surreal than the original. Plus, I am stll technically staying within the rules with this posting and my previous one.