h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

ahh I well remember The Day the World Turned Day-Glo, 1977 I seem to remember, I was at my Cottage on the cliff at Southwould having afternoon tea with Danny Mirror, when there was a knock at the door.
I answered it, as i generally did and as it has to said I still do tend to do.
Poly stood at the door, her day-glo incandescence almost too much to look at in the direct sunlight of the september mid-week late afternoon setting sun.
She pushed past me and took a green and red spray cans over to the wall with the picture of Ms Vaginarian and defaced the family air-loon in what can only be said to be a truely artistic manner.
It was at about this time that I forgot to water the monkey puzzel tree in the large rear conservatory and Scrotrezz the old family retainer was sorly dismissed for this despite it not being his doing. He was reemployed again a few hours later, but therein lay another storey.
It was then, only after her artistic endevours on the picture that she and Danny Mirror noticed the gnomes.
238 gnomes dancing and moving through the september afternoon, and one by one they jumped, to a fate worse than a fate worse than Mrs Thournedales sponge cake, and lightly battered themselves in teh sunken garden.
All in all a really rahter boaring account of a most mundaine experiance at the cottage. I was sorry when the cottage was purchased by the local council to use as a rubber band store room, compulsory purchases they say are never welcome.

"Welcome" said the Mat as I stood upon him, shorly before groaning with the weight...

I quickly stepped off and asked him what he was doing down there.

"Having a Kip" was all the reply I got, as he spat fish bones in all directions. One of which landed in front of the cat (Custard), who thinking it was a mouse swiftly ran away - Brave was sir Custard as he Bravely ran away, swiftly on the heels of Sir Robin of Cowes....

I must be in a mad house thought I, as it started to jiggle and giggle to itself, with alacrity I sought the exit, and exeunted speedily - only to discover that the Vogon's had thoughtlessly eradicated the Earth upon which said house was stood - the Jiggling had been nothing less than the destruction of my Home World - sad that the passing of such a beautiful place should be marked merely by the mad jiggling of a house...

UNfortunately for me I ad not realised any of this until I was several metres from the door, as I grabbed onto the nearest one it shattered, showering me with 20p pieces, as I continued my Plummet toward nothing.... Fortunately the atmosphere had remained virtually in place - not having anywhere better to go for the moment and I was able to continue breathing as I contemplated my fate... and the Madly Juggling Purple Unicycling Weasels as they cavorted past me....

Breathing has been a passtime of mine since I was about 11 years old. I was introduced to it whilst in the boy scouts and within six months ha d got my advanced Breathhing badge.
This gave me much pleasure at the time, and i was rahter proud of the achivement. Unfortunatly it takes something slightly more excessive to bring happieness now.
But I have memories, of sitting by the river in North Norffolk, and just breathing ocasionally a few fowel would swim past and aplause loudly.
#a swann called bob used to , on mnay ocassionas cheer loudly to my embarasment.
But why be bashful if you have learnt how to do something so difficult as breathing?
I have often contemplated this qeustion at great depth and come to several conclusions.
I shouldn't have taken LSD whilst on the river bank, well, OK, i didn't think of this one, the vole and derik the pike told me seco
ndly never evoke a discussion with a buttercup regarding the benifit of a planned economic stratogy.
I still despise sprouts, ut only on Wednesday.

While in the boyscouts, I learned many things. I learned, for instance, that being nailed to a piece of wood is not actually painful at the time- it only really begins to hurt afterwards. My scoutmaster, Mr Babble, was a fervent Tuba player. He believed the Tuba to be an instrument of cleanliness, purity and clarity. How he would fervently heave and puff away as we polished our woggles!! Every Tuesday evening would find me and my scouting buddies in the village hall, walking around in circles or pretending to be traffic lights in case there was a civil emergency. Big Bob Tuckshop Harris used to taunt us and put putty through the letter box. He cleans toilets for a living now. I myself sell birdseed, in well regimented portions, from a small booth, next to the butchers.

Regimented birdseed?

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the bills of Death
Rode the six hundred.
"Forward, the Birdseed Brigade!
Charge for the beaks!" he said:
Into the bills of Death
Rode the six hundred.

"Forward, the Birdseed Brigade!"
Was there a kernel dismayed?
Not tho' the birdseeds knew
Someone had blundered:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to feed and die:
Into the bills of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Starlings to right of them,
Pelicans to left of them,
Sparrows in front of them
Chirped and pecked hard;
Pigeons with s**t and smell,
Used their little peckers well,
Into the jaws of budgies,
Into the mouth of fowl,
Rode the six hundred.

600 is just another manifestation of the True number - OK, so its not a particularly good one, but better than nothing....

The True number is, after all, 42 - or is it? I hear cries of dissent at the back to basics said The Prime Number Theory of Chaos WorshipFull belly button, don't press this button said the pelican crossing.....

Ah belly button lint. According to a recent survey you are more likely to have belly button Lint (BBL) if you are male, older, hairy, and have an innie.
The amount of BBL a person has increases with age, although it is unclear whether this is exacerbated by failure to remove the previous years' crop.
Skin type does not affect BBL but the lint colour reflects your skin tone - lint is lighter for light skinned people.
BBL appears to be related to hairiness. Too much belly hair, or too little belly hair somehow inhibits the movement of BBL into the belly button.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that navel rings dramatically reduce BBL or even remove it altogether. This may be because pierced navels tend to be exposed.
Sydney University physicist Karl Kruszelnicki's findings include the fact that hairy overweight men produce more belly button fluff than slim, hairless women. This suggests that belly hairs, working like little arms on a conveyor, move fibres of fabric broken away from clothing up the curve of the belly and into the navel.
Researchers therefore asked their subjects to shave their tummies and see what happened. In most cases, the production of belly button lint stopped.

"But we had quite a few fashionably slim, totally hairless, females who still produced belly-button fluff," Dr Kruszelnicki said. "It seems they have some sort of body movement that channels the fluff into their belly buttons."

The study took about a year. More than 5000 people, mostly in Australia but some as far afield as Texas, took part, shaving their upper and lower bellies to order, regrowing the hair and reporting on what happened in their navels over several months. More than 3500 sent in pieces of belly-button lint.

"Most people have belly-button lint and they want to know why it collects in the navel, what it is composed of and why it is almost always blue," Dr Kruszelnicki said.

In deference to suggestions at the 1984 Summer Linoline conference, the problem of scuffing was discussed between all gathered attendees.
At the time, no firm desicions were taken, but the £3.2 British Linoline resurch award was, for the third in a row, awarded to the "Linoline was not us" company's Directors nephew, one Craig Dawson.

Last week, in Teronto Craig Dawson, who left his London family home in the late 1990's, refused to comment over claims that his disappearance coincided with both the loss of linoline from alkl major govermental buildings in the UK's capital, and the sudden and mysterious disappearance of Bill Bobbly MD, the former head of "pavement Cracks PLC", who has been missing since the approximate time of Craig's flee from the UK.

Insider sources at the Palace of Westminster, refuse to aknowledge Craig's annonimus payment to the Palaces coffers.

Police say that investigations are continuing until the matter is sucesfully resolved.

Matter - or Anti-Matter, Rooms and Ante-Rooms - how do they compare?

Do you need an equal number of Ante-Rooms as Rooms to have a truly balanced Universe.... This is a question that has vexed many truly insane/inebriated minds since the very first Dinner Party....

There seems to be no answer to this quandary, despite several Hours of research - and it has been proposed to put the question to the second greates Computer the Universe Shall ever see - I speak of none less than DEEP THOUGHT!!!!

Anyone ever seen 'Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey' on Saturday Night Live? Those were always... interesting...

My favorite part of Saturday Night Live is "Weekend Update". I make sure to see it so that I can catch up on the world's news. I don't get to read the paper much so I watch WU to find out about the world around me. I find the news they report on is much more interesting than what the papers have anyway. The one thing that I do enjoy in newspapers is the funnies.

Papers, as ordained by the Eclastical prune slicer, were not dismissed immediatly last weekend. Everyone there was alive, which was an improvement over the previous Saturday meeting of the paper club.
In the pivital paper by Bobbly P. (2002). Increasing weirdness and why its a good idea not to side-part your hair. J Hair Part weirdness. 60 (1) 321-345.
It was unmistakible that the consumption of cheese was not a determining factor in shoe sales for the fifth quarter of the following year, in Essex. The author did not, however, draw statistical significence, and the T-test and Parwise allignment did not show a realistic increase in weirdness, in real terms over the previous month, when factors were adjusted for Pertunia's.

I think the Alignment system In Dungeons and Dragons is a good system.
It allows players to be as weird as they want while keeping some control as far as game terms go. The most interesting alignment is Chaotic Neutral. It lets you do anything you want as long as it doesn't make much sense. I think that it would be the alignment of the Universe.

IN January 1994 I was locked into a dungeon until the middle of Aprill, that same year. I don't I've had as much fun before that point in time, and neither after, with the possible exception of chewing my toe-nails, which still remains a strong contender on the top ten passtimes ever list, as compiled by Professor Keist Bofinminster, of the Scripts institute.
I've still not found out who, or for what reason I was locked in the dungeon, but the apple pie was fantastic.

Pie? Apple Pie? High in the Sky? Why?

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./
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.
.
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Oh Sh*t its not an apple pie, its an asteroid, and here it comes - quick everybody away!!!!

Now, how about that* for strange?:
You mention "quick", which takes me straight back to the summer of 1986, on a August afternoon, siting on the lawn at Ms Parsons house, eating afternoon tea, we had sat, and sat, talking and mulling the existance of cream buns, when a branch fell off a tree, with such speed that it was foreseeible that the one, and only conclusion and utterance to issue forth as a result of the branch and its rapidly gravity facilitated descent to the ground, which was, without hesitation, a quick rush into the house, and ample consumption of fairy cakes, which we did with much relish.
Adnd as I remember back to the cake crumbs, lavishly adorning her chin and nasil hair, it is comfeting to understand how this conducts the major interconnectivness of her later, untimely, and grosome death in a vat of icing sugar.

Sugar is INCREDIBLY bad for you, especially when it falls from a great height upon your head - Large packs of Sugar Cubes seem to be the worst culprit...

Although, it has to be said, not as bad as that Meteor, which is still heading right this way...

Sugar is INCREDIBLY bad for you, especially when it falls from a great height upon your head - Large packs of Sugar Cubes seem to be the worst culprit...

Although, it has to be said, not as bad as that Meteor, which is still heading right this way...

Duck? Naa, looks more like a giant swamp creature with a bunch of pertunias, heading dangerously towards that unsafe sounding bobbly pavement.
Where?
You ask where?
There!:
Immediatly behing that pandolphy express 927 shopping trolly!
What trolley?
Why, the one containing all those penguines, the ones with the table legs.
Did you notice where my beer mat whent?

Now I once had an emperor penguin called bob who I used to keep in my living room. Granted during the summer I had to put the air con on and have a constant supply of ice cubes readily available to keep him happy but that wasn't that much of a problem.

The biggest problem was the fish you see who kept swimming about my legs as I sat at the dinner table for my tea!