'We are the internet weirdoes our mothers warned us about'
A Researcher Named Ben

It is estimated that over 1.5bn people were on the world-wide-web¹ in December 2008. Most of them were probably using it to access porn, but what were the rest doing? Well, all kinds of things actually…

You yourself are reading this on an internet site, therefore you are a de facto internet weirdo. QED. But Don't Panic², not all internet sites or their users are the same. Here's a handy guide to the broad groupings of broadband groups and groupies³.

E-mailers: Repliall Regreticus

The widest use of the internet is for basic keeping in touch.
Email was an early method of electronic communication, replacing snail-mail⁴ as a much quicker and more cost-effective way of sending information to others. It did however lead to the demise of that much-loved excuse 'it's in the mail!', although 'the internet ate my homework!' has now effectively replaced that, along with 'the dog ate my homework!', in one neat bite⁵. All internet users are competent to some extent in using email, and the more savvy practitioners will be able to send photos as digital image attachments to multiple recipients, archive their received messages in sensibly labelled folders, and even search the content of messages for specific topics. MSN and other chat-room environments provide a faster real-time derivative of emailing, which is frequently used in conjunction with a webcam for various nefarious activities.

Social networkers: Pokus Scrabulus

Social network sites are a more advanced and enhanced method of keeping in touch with a wide group of acquaintances. On these, most people use their real names and tell you about real life events, or organise their local team's cricket fixtures, often complete with video clips and photos. This is the sort of place your mother would be comfortable using. Bebo is popular with the yoof of today, MySpace has a large uptake from bands and those with musical interests, while Facebook is more sombre and grown-up feeling. It allows users to update their status and let all their friends know what they are doing/ thinking/ eating, as well as what their current relationship status is⁶. Some new users dip their toes into the world of Facebook and are left wondering what it's actually for: without a primary raison d'etre it can seem nothing more than a place for throwing virtual sheep at your friends, or for having a competition to see who has the most number of friends⁷: it was responsible for the clunky word 'defriend' finding its way into the dictionary, to describe that click of a button when you realise that you never really liked that person much anyway, and you don't want them being privy to all your comings and goings. Especially if you've got a new significant other, and are going to be boasting about your comings for a few weeks yet.

President Obama made inspired use of the networking aspect of Facebook during his election campaign, and reportedly has over two million friends⁸. One of them is Facebook's co-founder Chris Hughes, which probably helps. Friends Reunited is another popular site which allows you to catch up with all those nerds you knew at school and couldn't wait to get away from. Naturally, you'll only get in touch again if you are considerably more successful than they appear to be. I mean, you wouldn't want them to think you're one of those sad individuals who spend their whole lives surfing the net, would you?

There is unfortunately a dark side to social networks: making freely available personal details such as date of birth and pets names (which are commonly used as passwords) increases the threat of identity theft. Chat rooms are often used to 'groom' potential victims of paedophiles, and young teenagers should be made aware of the stranger danger that arises when they are talking to someone they don't know via their computer. Posting pictures of children, by their parents or others, should also be done only with great consideration for the safety aspect.

Taking status updates to the next level is Twitter, which allows you to inform anyone who's interested with every last bit of minutiae about your life. Celebrity Tweeters⁹ include Stephen Fry and Jonathon Ross. Marvel at how modern technology can allow the UK's most-adored clever-dick tell the world when he's stuck in a lift¹⁰! Twitter is the latest must-have tool of the news junky, who will panic if they have to wait to catch the bulletin at the top of the hour, preferring to be informed the millisecond a news story breaks. For those who can't get enough of what those lovable bunch of UK MPs are up to, there's Tweetminster¹¹.

Bloggers: Mememe Endlus

Short for 'web log', blogs are online diaries, usually with pretty pictures and links to lolcats¹² and could be uncharitably described as vanity press. Some people do indeed lead very interesting lives, and there are very poignant blogs written by those going through a particularly tough time. Many, though, are just the rantings of self-important egocentrics who think anyone cares about the row they've just had with her next door.

Information seekers: Jeeves Omniscientica

Undoubtedly, the internet has changed the way people research a topic. Instead of heading to the local library and poring over dusty tomes, or peering through a microfiche viewer, researchers can now simply type the subject they are studying into a search engine and let the world's writings on it come to them. Well, the writings that have been captured in a digital form at least. This can lead to a false sense of veracity – it may seem obvious that not everything that you read on the net is true, but many people blindly accept what Wikipedia et al says as fact. The diligent researcher would do well to double check the source of any information they acquire from the net. Other sites that are repositories of information include h2g2, a wholly remarkable and impossible to pigeonhole site peopled by the nicest internauts anywhere in the galaxy¹³.

Special interest forum groups: Anoraka Anoraka.

There is no hobby or interest so esoteric and unusual that it doesn't have its own web forum: Nubian goat breeding, filet crocheting, stamp-collecting, the restoration of Allis Chalmers vintage tractors. The number of users of each forum may not be big, but you stand a reasonable chance of getting a half sensible answer to a question from someone who knows at least something about the subject. Also, the low number of users gives these a very first-name term chumminess. Most of them will have a general chit-chat area, but by and large the users are there because they want, or can impart, or think they can impart some specialist information. Thus motor biking forums have separate sections for in-depth questions on sprocket size, dog forums have conversations on house-training your particular breed, and the parenting ones will have recipes for vegan baby-food, complete with pictures of little Veronica tucking happily into tofu and spinach mush.

Internet daters: Fungi Seeksimila

Single, attractive, mentally stable – perm any 2.
Cyber-dating summed up by the joke thread.

Internet dating is, in theory, a great way to widen your net in the search for love. In practice, it's a great way to come into contact with even more weirdoes. Because of the ease with which this makes available easy prey to those of a predatory nature, caution is urged to anyone trying this method. But the computer did give rise to cybersex, where you can have all of the thrill with none of the risk. Except of course if the other person's recording your webcam footage¹⁴. And then releases the footage to Youtube. And your best friend forwards a link to you. And all their contacts. Including your boss.

Gamers: Infelix Red-eye

Role playing games have been around for many years, but have harnessed the power of the net to bring in many players. Dungeons and Dragons made the transition from board game to online RPG¹⁵, allowing players to assume fictional identities and act out roles in a fantasy world, while with 1.5 million monthly subscribers, World of Warcraft holds the Guinness World Record for most popular MMORPG¹⁶. RPGs are all about the fun, and many people get extremely attached to the characters that they create, but other games that have been around for even longer have also found a faithful following on the net. Poker is no longer the preserve of rich gangsters in casinos, but now anyone with the readies can take part online, somehow managing to bluff their opponents even when they can't see the other players' tell-tale nervous facial ticks¹⁷. Poker has a predominantly although far from exclusively male fan-base, while there is more girly appeal in online bingo. Both of these are played for real money, albeit supplied via a plastic pal, making it easier than ever before to develop a gambling addiction.

Different entertainment can be found online in such formats as webcomics, and television and other broadcasting media have also harnessed the power of t'internet to allow customers on-demand watching and listening.

Most of the internet's advertising revenue comes from gambling and porn sites, so those of dubious morals can always justify their left-handed website surfing as helping to pay for the upkeep of the world's favourite toy.

Buyers and sellers: 1-Barn Effrimint.

Early adopters of the web for trading purposes were the bookselling giant, Amazon, with airlines close behind them. Cut-price operators such as Ryanair found a slew of willing victims¹⁸ online, willing to believe that they could fly to some exotic¹⁹ airport for 1p. Online selling of plane seats makes sound commercial sense: instant reduction in the overheads incurred in staffing a travel agency on the high street with a handful of bored staff who've had a charisma by-pass, stocking it with mountains of glossy brochures, and equipping it with some, but never quite enough, uncomfortable plastic chairs. For the consumer, that means no more wasted lunch hours hovering near Tracy's desk waiting for her to find a cruise to suit the elderly couple sharing the one uncomfortable plastic chair in front of her. Other retailers soon spotted the potential, and those who put effort into designing a good webpage with lots of easy and intuitive clicky-links soon reaped the rewards. Customers could order a bunch of flowers without setting foot in a florist, or order a case of wine, or their weekly grocery shop, and have it delivered to their door. Of course, once these companies have your email address they can inundate you with special offers. The really clever web-designers were able to match your purchases and interests with what others had bought, so making smart suggestions for your further buying pleasure (or, their further profit-making pleasure). Amateur traders followed suit, and you can now get rid of your pre-loved items²⁰ on auction sites such as eBay, or through buy-and-sell groups like Craigslist.

So much for buying and selling actual tangible goods and services. But as a digital medium itself, the net is also a trading place for intangible assets. No-one buys CDs anymore, they just download the tracks and pop them straight onto iTunes²¹, and in 2005 the Top 20 charts of popular singles ceased to be compiled from actual sales figures, and now incorprates the number of downloads in calculating who is this week's Top of the Pops²². As well as paying for a downloadable song, peer-to-peer file-sharing has become a way of spreading digital information.

But it's not all about capitalistic exploitation. Some users with the long term well-being of the planet in mind have sought to use the networking aspect to trade goods for free, and hopefully reduce the pressure on landfill sites. Freecycling recognises that one man's rubbish is another man's treasure, and sets up local forums where the 'free to good home' principle ensures that your left-over garden trellis or obsolete digital camera are saved from the skip. Given that so much internet time and energy is used in the pursuit of transient pleasure, it is a comfort to know that some people²³ have found ways to use the net for the common good.

Summary

The internet has irrevocably changed the way the world communicates, plays, makes money and gets elected. It has created millionaires and bankrupts, brought about marriages and hastened divorces, and saved countless half-used tins of gloss white from a landfill site. And we've only just begun…