h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*drops down from the ceiling*
so you're not going to kill me?

*pulls up a chair*
i've been dreading this for a long time, twenty years ago the P.I.I.B. approached me at the bio-mech conference on viltvodle six and asked me to create them a fearful ultimate warrior, or die.
so i worked and mechanically enhanced this bob, they then erased my memory and dumped me on vogsphere, i forgot all about it untill recently when they took me back and demaned that i finish the job.

First off, I didn't say I wouldn't kill you, I said you had some explaining to do.

For example, this here bob is a good 30% larger than most bobs, but let's say this one has been well-fed since birth, as he might be if kept in captivity. He is also very friendly, suggesting he has had a lot of social contact. But he isn't 20 years old, he's maybe 3, tops. And he cozied right up to DQ, showing he is unafraid of dragons, which he might be if one of them had repeatedly drugged and operated on him.

I'm listening.

"And he cozied right up to DQ, showing he is unafraid of dragons"

Or just very cold.

Good point, Peet. One of his little domestic cousins has been known to sleep on the hood of my just-parked car until it cools down.

before i go on there was guns involved i.e. pointed at the back of my head, any way the penguins drugged the before i go there, when i finished they put the in stasis, i can prove its my work
*pulls some of the bobs fur off to reveal a signature on a peice of mechaniks, the signature is "KTOF"*
*s for cover*

KTOF?

Isn't KTOF the call sign for a Christian rock radio station out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa?

*smooths the bob's fur back in place*

* feeds bob more diced meat*

no KTOF, i think my real name if kipperthynonfloor

*stares at KOTF with incredulity*

Thynon? Kipper thynon floor?

yes now i remember i had my middle name changed thynon was such a stupid middle name

*wraps arms protectively around purring, well-fed bob*

Okay, so you were coerced, this cat is not the property of a Christian rock radio station, and you changed your middle name. I get all that.

How is this beautiful, friendly bob to be used against us? He has been exploited and subjected to the worst type of animal experimentation. What can we do? Besides feed him and pet him, of course.

Love him and squeeze him and call him George?

George? Nu-uh - don't like that name particularly much.

Why not Robert? Bob for short

And maybe get him an industrial-strength scratching-post.

im not keen on george either, i dont know really but i think it may have been a distraction techinque

*scratches the bob around the ears*

Distraction technique? There's a huge difference between "ultimate weapon" and "distraction technique".

Are you going to explain what these biomechanics are supposed to do? And did you install anything that would override this bob's friendly nature?

the emotional inhibitor, the level nine death cannon that comes out of an opening in its back and the self destruct sequence

Nooooo!Poor Kitty!

Hmm, seems as we need an anti biomechanics engineer to fix this...

* feeds Bob penguin meatballs in the meantime*