h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Michael hurt his arm playing squash. He was telling his friend that he would have to go to the doctor, and it really annoyed him that he would have to pay a quack a good deal of money. His friend suggested that he try out a new machine at the drug store. It would diagnose any problem based on a urine sample. Michael was skeptical, but since he hated doctors and it was only a fraction of the price, he decided to give it a shot.

Michael went into the drugstore with his urine sample in a cup. He followed the instructions on the machine and deposited his money. He was prompted to pour in his sample, which he did immediately. A message flashed up on the screen asking him to wait a moment and some lights blinked. The machine then produced a "ding" noise and Michael's printout was there. It read...

You have tennis elbow. Please rest your arm for a couple of weeks. No treatment is required.

That night while thinking about the diagnosis, Michael wondered if he could fool the machine. The next day, he peed into a cup. Then he had his wife pee into the cup, then his dog. He then took a Coke bottle out of the frige and poured some in. Then for good measure, he "pleasured" himself, adding the sample to the contents of the cup. He returned to the drugstore, deposited his money and gave the sample on the machine's queue. Once again, a message flashed up on the screen asking him to wait a moment and some lights blinked. The machine then produced a "ding" noise and Michael's printout was there. It read...

Your pop is flat. You should buy cans. Your dog has worms and must go and see a vet. Your wife is cheating on you, you should see a lawyer. And you don't stop playing with yourself, you will never cure that tennis elbow.

Hey, I´ve also got some long jokes:
In a woods were living a bear, a fox and a rabbit. One day they got the message that they were to be recruited at the army base nearby. As none of them wanted to have to leave the forest the fox cunningly told them: "I know these guys, they won´t take you if you are disabled. So.. I´ll bite my tail off!" And when he came back he was all smiles and said "They didn´t take me, I am physically challenged." So when the rabbit was summoned, he cut off his ears. When he came back he happily told them "They didn´t take me either, I am physically challenged!" But the bear was really nervous. "Oh dear oh dear, my tail is so short and my ears are so small.. I know, I´ll punch my teeth out!" And when he came back he grinned and said "They didn´t take me either! They said I´m overweight."
*******
New York, Empire State building. Between the two towers on a narrow rope which is swinging in the wind stands a man, a famous balance artist. Step by step he carefully makes his may to the other side as sudenly a gust of wind makes him loose balance and his pole, which disapperars in the horrific depth.
At the same time in a run down red-light district of north Los Angeles, another man is in a shabby, cheap motel room recieving a blow job from the most stinking, ugly old prostitute with greasy hair and blackened rotting teeth.
What is the thought that at this very moment crosses both men´s mind?
"Don´t look down, whatever you do, don´t look down!.."
*****
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the current president of Germany, Gerhard Schröder?
A: Bill Clinton has affairs with his apprenices, Gerhard Schröder gets married to them.
(this refers to the fact that Schröder is now into his fourth marriage)

There. CCG.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

This post has been removed.

In a hurry - xmas rush - only got time for the punch line -

"Dead? I thought she was English."