Presidential Soapbox

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Happy birthday to the Post...

...and, typically, I'm trying to write an article for the birthday edition of the Post, and I've got writer's block.

Oh well. I'll take this opportunity to give a quick plug to my latest creation1, the first2 spoof of the Post, the ParanoiaPost.

The ParanoiaPost is basically an outlet for my admitted weirdness and misguided creativity. It does not come out regularly; so far I've written three issues. It probably won't appeal to everybody; my style of written and visual humour is not everybody's cup of tea3. If you're easily offended, don't read it4.5

In this issue of ParanoiaPost:

  • Businesses Cash In On Moon Advertising Space
  • Mark Moxon Exposed As 'Freak Of Nature'
  • Dutch Researchers Are Destroying h2g2 Culture With Alcohol Poisoning
  • Column: Technology Review, with Mavis Thornbury

Past issues of ParanoiaPost are linked from the main page.

And if anybody's interested, I'm looking for columnists, field reporters and a cartoonist. Well, not actively looking, but if somebody produces some good material then I'd be happy to put it in.

Events in the Alabaster House

The Alabaster House is the official residence of the President of h2g2, and the head of operations for our enthusiastic government. Among other things, the useful and ever-popular Ministry of Doing Sod-All is based there. Each Ministry or Ambassador is responsible for taking care of a certain aspect of life on h2g2. Fortunately, h2g2 is quite capable of taking care of itself, and so we haven't started organising anything yet; if we did, I have a feeling that chaos would reign.

Another productive side of the Alabaster House is its facilities for hosting parties and events. The Goo Room is fortunately capable of hosting unlimited numbers of guests (and food and drink) for several functions at once. This ability is brought to you by futuristic prototype technology, known as 'using the h2g2 conversation system and smileys to pretend that we're in a party with lots of food and drink'.

The Inaugural Ball was the first event to be held in the Goo room, when I was elected as President and the Alabaster House magically sprung up. Amazingly enough, this event (themed on the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) is still going strong, and has proved to be one of the most popular virtual parties on h2g2.

The next event will be the Alabaster House Christmas Party. This will be hosted by the various Ministers and other hard working folk at the Alabaster House, each contributing something of their speciality towards the whole party. A date has not been set yet6, but if you'd like to contribute something then contact me, it would be most welcome. The idea is that you can write/draw/create something to go on the party page, which people can view/listen to/interact with, before joining in the party conversations.

Other Presidential Matters

Recently an unexpected debate has sprung up regarding the results of the Presidential election. The main suspicions include7:

  • A ballot box containing over 50,000 votes is suspected to have gone missing. Supporters of The Celery claim that because the area the votes came from is a Celery stronghold, these votes could well have tipped the balance in their favour.

  • Peregrin's presidential team have countered these accusations by claiming that many of The Celery's voters were under aged.

  • A number of voters have claimed that they were confused by the instructions drawn up by Pastey for voting. They sent an email stating 'I vote for Peregrin', thinking that they were voting for Demon Drawer. They have organised a protest and want to be able to re-vote.

  • Professor Tonks has made the controversial claim that everyone who voted for anyone but himself was clinically insane, and their votes should not be counted. No offence to my voters, but this is one of the more likely claims...

Legal proceedings have started, and the problems are expected to be resolved soon; we confidently predict that by 2027, we will have a definite and undebatable result.


04.12.00. Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Born out of boredom, as usual.2and last, if anybody's got any sense.3This may be an English expression. If you're on the other side of the Atlantic and are feeling bemused, read 'everybody's can of Coca Cola. New, improved taste; at a new, improved price! Drink Coca Cola! And remember Diet Coke is lower in sugar and caffeine! Coca Cola: for the authentic taste. Buy Coca Cola, and your problems will all be solved. Now available in all good retailers. Win! Win! Win! Buy twenty cans of Coca Cola, and if you find a small blue McDonalds logo underneath every ring pull, you have a possible chance to enter a prize draw competition, the winner of which may be entitled to a prize of either an all expenses paid trip to New York, a sports car, or a brand new pen! Sponsored by Microsoft. Remember, drink Coca Cola, and live a long and healthy life! (only if drunk as part of an extremely good diet. Long and healthy life not guaranteed.)4I bet this sentence draws in more readers than the rest of my ramblings put together.5I really ought to stop writing footnotes.6Well actually, it has. It was intended to start two days ago, but I haven't organised it properly yet. But hey, take it easy man, time is just a relative concept, yeah?7Apologies to Asteroid Lil, Professor Christopher Tonks, and Demon Drawer

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