h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

please...

Oooh please

Munchkin's just one of these Northern types who's not used to the robust Southern Pollen

I think you'll find I keep at least two antihistamine producers in profit. Sadly I have yet to find a pill that is truly twenty four hour. Hell twelve hours would be nice. Anyhoo, I've rinsed that glasses out so here you go;


Any chance of some toasties on the terrace? Only I might as well sneeze in the open air.

then we can have chicken & mushroom toasties.....

*The Rubber Inflatable Barman (for Munchkin is sunning himself on the terrace) looks rubberly between Ictoan and a beer pump as if to enquire as to what he intends to purchase*

What? buy? Spend money? After helping to clear out the bogs and flush out (sometimes literally) sutomers for ye? Surely there's a pint Large on the house for that?

*The sound of little, rubbery, cog wheels comes from inside the R.I.B.*

Hi Munchkin, have you finished with our latex friend as yet? Good to see you put him to work, we'll have an each. What the hell, keep him, he looks good behind the bar, just make sure Eccsy doesn't over tax him though.

*The R.I.B. serves up two pints much more efficiently than Munchkin ever did.*

*A dishevelled Eccsy emerges from behind the bar, tosses a rather deflated R.I.B off... err, over?..... errr, into the corner, grabs the vodka, Tia Maria and Coke bottles and tosses off two large Black Russians in quick succession.*

Gosh, I needed that. You'll have to get that R.I.B. seen to Munchie. I'm worried about the way he keeps going down.

Our Mother had a Sister we used to refer to as Auntie Histamine, OK it's not true, but we could have. Hmmmmm this R.I.B.'s looking a little over stretched in places *eyeballs Munchkin looking decidedly puffy eyed and notes the word "victimise me" scrawled in byro on forehead*
You look a tad peeky Munchkin we must admit, but are you not over reacting just a tad. The Heatwave is happening somewhere else at the moment, and July here has been waterwings weather so far.

OK there is a veritable profusion of wildflowers at the moment but that's just ole Mother "N" attempting to compensate for the dampened down state of her pollen.

Four years, you must have covered every centimeter of wall space in there with your literary exploits.

We trust you didn't attempt to illustrate your 4 month missive, that sort of Art work requires a distinctive talent, sadly Jimmy Wuckfitt is barred from the SNUG and all others are but poor imitaters of that MASTER of the byro.

*Wanders in with a bucket, begins to fill it with ice and gin, and a single serving bottle of tonic*
Hey, what happened to the RIB? No one's been behind the bar while I've been outside have they?

*wanders in after Munchkin and goes to the fridge where she takes out an improbably large vat of marinated ribs*

*pauses on her way back out*

I was thinking, Munchkin, now that you've demonstrated your nautical skills, perhaps we could start serving barges as well. I mean, only BOFs would consider going on a barge as a fun thing to do, what? And we do have the cut behind the pub,after all...

*continues out with the ribs*

Hmm, you do get some odd sorts on the canal. This is why I was happy to leave the reeds choking our side of it. That said, there were a fair number of bankside Inns on my travels, and they were always busy with solvent holiday makers. Hmmm, does jwf and his mice fancy waking up long enough to clear away the edge of the canal and put in a couple of bollards?

Bollards, Oh goody, can we paint them, you know black with a white top? Anyone good at Japaning old enamel tin coffee pots, of course you might have to errrrr theme the decor a bit in here, you know brass port holes, penants and a set of those interesting knots in a framed case. Hey, we could dress up the R.I.B. in a Polo neck, a pair of black corduroy trousers and wellies, it wouldn't need a life preserver. Well it would save Munchkin the trouble, can he play a squeeze box ? BOF's love all that sort of stuff.

Theme!! The BOF Inn!! I can't believe I'm hearing such words. I've been known to think about barring people for less!
*Grabs bucket o' gin and storms out*

Thats the spirit Munchkin, a little eccentricity would be in character and as you feel so strongly about it you can wear the Black Corduroy pants, we don't mind a bit.

*Toc Wanders in and rummages behind the bar for the knobkerrie. *

Right what was it?

*types 42 in on the till, bangs the knobkerrie on the bar three times

and leaps out of the way as the till fies open*

Now, which way is Widdershins? and what shall I do with this money?

Antisunwise. And I'd be pleased to relieve you of it.