h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Phillipa]

Excuse me, but I've been sitting here for 15 hours now. I need to go to the Ladies.

*There is heard out in the street, the sound of a rising, angry mob.*

::Chants, with an angry mob:: IF YOU WANT TREES, GO TO THE FOREST!!!
IF YOU WANT MORE CUSTOMERS, YOU COULD KINDLY INVITE US!!!
LEAVE MARIE-RAE'S NEICE ALONE,
OR ASHES TO ASHES AND DUST TO DUST!!!

*mari-rae hobbles into the yard of the Snug and opens her book of hexes. She thumbs through the index...*

Hmm, loos backing up, um maybe... how about roofs leaking? Or maybe call in a ghost to haunt the place? Yes, I kind of like that one. Whose ghost, I wonder? Let me think...

*She reads from the book, nods and shuts the cover. Closing her eyes she chants;*

From dusk to dawn you'll prowl the stair
At midnight's toll they best beware
From literary tomes of choice
I bid you now... give them Joyce

*The rafters rattle; pewter tankards clank 'ard against the wall. Grey dust falls from the ceiling; a cold wind whirls across the floor. A disembodied Joyce voice intones:*

Ye thieves of trees and despoilers,
?era ey kniht ey od ohW
I bring you the voice of the thunder,
.rab siht ta thgin lla uoy tnuah oT

Repent!
!enotA

*While everyone looks about in fear, Kes sneaks in, and sees P tied to the chair. He checks the ties ...*

Huh! Wickhamists - thought as much! Shh!
*He cuts the bonds; P slumps forward. Kes lifts her in his arms, and carries her quickly, quietly, unnoticed ... out of the bar ...*

Kes, I am very grateful. Take her to Crossed Purposes, please. We will see to her there.

On my way! Will you be OK to get back there under your own steam?

Oh its open now... I tried to get in earlier but some silly witch was holding the door closed with two hands. Been out in the rain most of the evening. Chap named Zeus come up from the cellar and was doing parlour tricks with thunder and lightning for some travelling salesman with a roof rack full of crutches. I thought they might have been our first collection of Tiny Tim crutches (everybody has one) for the fire...oh damn it's almost gone out..Felonious...Ah well I'll just pop down to the cellar and dry out a bit...
-and out he goes again totally lost-
-pops his head in quickly-
Witch..did I mention the witch?
-heads off to cellar leaving large wet footprints on the hall lino-

Look - they left them unguarded...

Hey - where is everyone,and what are all these frogs and newts doing drinking and ?

Damitundblasten. A raid in the night. Plans come to naught. Who is that curious Irish chap hovering above the bar?

But we have some trees for the fire.

Too much energy, here (to curious Irish fellow) have a

I need a rest. *slumps in the remaining chair with two tatty ties still attached*

Here, who's upset the Snughound? It's moved! Oh look, a new person, touch see through, but as long as he understands the rule that all new people have to buy a round, I'm sure he'll fit in fine.
Oh and where did that young girl go?

Since when, Munchkin, has anyone bought anything here, in the sense of handing over money for drinks?

You missed all the excitement then what with raiding parties in the nights taking that dear sweet girl away from us and leaving very strange Irish ghosts behind who drones on interminably in sentences without end or indeed punctuation but at least we have plenty of wood and I think I am going to get sacked or at least sent back to the saloon where no-one ever goes I think I need to take some medicine have you any Malt left in that bottle?

There you go - a whisky and a whiskey.
(one for you and one for the ghost...incidentally, Mr. Joyce, re your "it would be a hard task indeed to cross Dublin without passing a pub" I say to you nonsense...N1 south, East link toll bridge and then Stillorgan bypass. )

I'm always asleep during the interesting bits, which is no bad thing in my opinion. Can't be doing with all that fuss. As a matter of interest, if no one has been paying for drinks, why have I been working so hard to sponge them?
But don't worry, me old barperson, we shall support you fully through the industrial tribunal.

(Psst, DJ, if we can keep him up in those committees we'll never have to pay )

Brightens considerably following whisky and whiskey consumption.

Firmly of the "In for a penny" school here. I wonder if we can cause further havoc in this village place. There seems little or no evidence of a Police Force.

Do you have any more of these rather splendid libations? **Proffers glass in DJ's direction**

[Ghost of JJ]

!hoohw !hoohw

Hi, everyone! , please!
Why are you all looking so pale? Anyone would think that you'd seen a !

Blimey - that went down quick...

*Furtively hides the remaining "Midleton" before that so called ghost sees it*