h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Edward!

Your post rang all kinds of bells for me. I can especially with "walking round in a deranged state." I drove, and walked all over the city during my '93 mania. Went to a church looking for a priest to share all my sudden religious insights, including how I was supposed to save the world. (luckily he wasn't there) Went into a comic book store, and identified with all the comic book heros. Bought gas, then realized I had no money, and had to pay with change from under the seats. Went to an art gallery and took a framed letter off the wall and asked if I could borrow it. Glad it was just a letter and not a Picasso, eh, I'd be in jail. I went to a radio station and tried to talk my way on the air. (Thank goodness they didn't let me) Finally I wrecked my car in a rather spectacular way, and made it into the hospital finally. Almost got maced by the cops on the way. I can't remember how much of this I've posted about earlier in this thread. But it was actually kind of lucky I had the wreck, in that once I came down from my mania, I never questioned my need for treatment.

I too worry sometimes when I am feeling good, I ask, is it the mania? I have missed the mental clarity I had before being on Zyprexa, BUT I am trying a brand new medication called Abilify, and so far I really like it. I am still on a half dose of Prozac, and am tapering down on the Zyprexa. Stop by my Journal Ed, and indeed any who are interested, I've got a whole step by step account of changing meds.

I've got a great therapist, she has helped me cope with my various mania and the PTSD that came from the first one. I have read some great books too - Unquiet Mind being the best. And I go to a church where there are a lot of bipolar people who have "come out of the closet" so to speak.

I am very hopeful that the Abilify will help me get back some of the spark I have been missing. I'm being cautious about mania of course, got to make sure the new med is working.

JEllen

I alternate between depression and normality with a little mania mixed in, but not to the degree you guys have mentioned.

I notice you all say you are suspicious of being too happy as that maybe the mania coming back. The drugs have taken the happy edge of your life. It sounds very difficult to be so aware of your moods and always wondering whether you are about to plunge into another episode. You are all doing so well.

I loved the film where Richard Gere playing a bipolar character, it brought home some of the dilemnas to me and I felt I understood it a bit better. Do you feel its a film which is faithful to your experiences?

JEllen - how much change do you carry around under the seats of your car *hehehehe* that's an impressive amount to have under there to find enough to pay for petrol/gas..I'm impressed...! *chuckles*

~waves~ at Kaz and Adelaide nice to see you.

As for manic episodes, yes I am more aware and self concious now of my thoughts and reactions. Which does inhibit some of my enjoyment of things..being as I am more reserved with my output in RL. Sometimes tho I still get carried away and get the odd raised eyebrow..

I also know, that I am very fickle, some days I may feel one way about something, and the next I might feel differently. For example, one day something may seem like a good idea - and I will plan out what I'm going to do etc..then the next day...I'm like nah....I'd rather do something else, I wasn't being realistic..this can happen in a few hours too

This does not include my love for my family, always love them in varying degrees when they are not trying to drive me insane

Same with memories and thoughts, I have such a mulitude of racing thoughts about things I can change my whole outlook and opinion in a matter of seconds which is quite confusing to people if I'm vocal about it - which I'm not, those I usually keep to myself..except for when I went totally manic and let myself go somewhat.

I also have a terrible memory at times now, before the episode I had a reasonable memory and could concentrate quite well. Now I find that sometimes people will talk to me, and altho I've been listening I've forgotten striaght away what they have just said.

This drives me up the wall..! Can be quite embarressing too.

Question is where do you go from here..

err....

Do the best that you can for a happy life.

It's also good to talk, whether literally on a chatforum like this, or verbally to someone close to you that you understand and trust.

It's probably helpful to think of hypomania/ bipolar disorder as lying somewhere on a continuum, with boringly "normal" behaviour at one end and better-keep-him/her-in-hospital-because-s/he's-clearly-lost-it at the other end (where "lost it" = the consequences of the hypomania could be that either s/he gets into a harmful situation or harms someone else).

I've always thought of myself as belonging somewhere beyond half way on the continuum. I'm one of those people who, when given a sheet of paper, tends to write the other way. I don't mean I'm one of those studied eccentrics "Hey! Look at me! I've got a whacky tie!". I genuinely tend not to think the same way as or be interested in the same things as (how can I put this?) "the common mass". The people who like me see this as an endearing trait. Others find me disturbingly unusual. One, somewhat conservative, friend once referred to me as "an acquired taste". Basically, though, most people would see me (I think)as "a nice guy, but a bit strange." I am happy with this and (to some extent) have cultivated it. I like the same sort of people myself (and here I'm reminded of a character in Jakes's Thing by Kingsley Amis, if anyone knows it).

But now I've had a major bout of mental ilness. In principal I wouldn't seek to hide this from anyone (within reason) - except that it does seem to cut at the core of my self image. I've become a little scared that any "abnormal" behaviour can now be seen as "just what we'd expect from that nutter."

Combined with this, I am now (as I've said before) still slightly depressed. This may still be the chemical aftermath, it may be a consequence of my dilemma (a desire for my previous status) - it may even be my medication (I'm on a mood stabiliser, as well as an anti-depressant)...................I'm not sure where I'm going with this, so time to stop and say "Comments Welcome"

(btw. Unlike (possibly?) vixen, I somewhat believe that medication is a good thing, and don't intend getting out of the psychiatric loop).

Its interesting that you perceive yourself as different Edward, as I have always felt the same.

I have been described as eccentric and unusual from childhood, when I and my neighbours cat spent all day in the garden watching insects. She was more sociable with people than I ever was!

Luckily I found a second person like me and married him, its made life easier. I have one person I want to be with. I would prefer to live away from people, when you consider in the UK the most popular paper is the Sun and everone loves football etc etc.

It also helped defining myself as a pagan, where some of my attributes (seeing things for example) is quite natural and accepted. So I don't have to fight it anymore!

Hi,JEllenJ42, with changing your meds! It's a difficult process, I believe.
I hope you are well!

Edward, you have my sympathy, especially for your depression, that's a truly horrible thing!
I hope you are feeling well today.

Thank you! Yes, I am doing fine. I saw my shrink yesterday, and he seemed happy with my progress on the Abilify, and said I could cut down even more on my Zyprexa, till I taper off completely. I am going to save a few tablets for the occasional manic blip.

I am still very much getting used to the new med. I feel more emotional on it, less numb. Which cuts both ways, it can be great, but it can be more painful - I found an old letter from a guy who dumped me, and it was like, "OW!" And I am hot now a lot of the time, which is so weird, because always before in my life I have been very cold all the time. I like to think the Abilify is correcting some glitch in my body temperature regulation. Also, the Abilify is making me have regular periods - before I only had a period every 4 or more months.

Erm, all this probably belongs more on my med thread, but I will go ahead and share.

*waves to all* JEllen

Hi Edward, I agree that meds can be a good thing, I think in my case they are very important. It can be a hassle of course finding the right combination of meds that really work for an individual, because everyone reacts differently. Some people get terribly sleepy on Abilify, while I feel more alert. Weird, eh?

Feeling different? Yes, in some ways I have always felt "different." I think that bipolar people feel things more intensely than your average person. That's certainly been true of me. And it's been statistically proven that bipolar people are more artistically inclined. Oddly enough, so are their siblings who do not get the illness. Poets have a staggeringly high incidence of affective illness.

Having said that, I also think that everyone feels different at times. Everyone goes through periods where they feel like aliens on this planet. Some people just are better at hiding this feeling and conforming.

JEllen

JEllen, I'm glad that the ablifiy is working for you

I don't think I've seen the film with Richard Gere (playing somneone coping with bi-polar) in it, Kaz - another thing I shall have to remember looking out for!

Hello again Ed

I don't think it would help me to think of being somewhere on a continuum of personality traits, but I do like the idea and if it helps....

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I can definately relate to that, a nice girl but a bit odd...*chuckles* Yes I have cultivated that somewhat too and accepted it...it helps laugh of some of the odd things that do on occasion or when my memory lapses...it helps people to be easier around me.

I can be eccentric and would, if I were a professor - wear an odd tie that I liked purely for liking, not for a statement of, 'hey look at me type thing' but just because I could!

I don't hide what I've been through so much, in that I don't share it with anyone except my family and my hubbie. It's not something I want to broadcast unless I feel that it would help someone in difficulties and we could compare situations.

I can and will, and much to sometimes to the uncomfortableness of my family, say jokingly, "well I am certified, what do you expect"?

I guess sometimes I have an evil black sense of humour.

I see myself as different but I also see other people as individuals and different from everyone else.

Working in the hospital the other day, I was calling people and asking for their opinion on a variety of facilities. I noted all sorts of complaints etc as well as the good stuff, and one of the nurses said to me, that, "some of these patients have psychiatric problems, and they are not like us" what does that tell you?

She is actually a very nice lady, and I love her to bits...but still it is difficult for other people to see unless they have been thro self mental trauma to the extent of what we have, themselves. She commended me on my patience and politeness in dealing with the people that were difficult to listen to, and I thought if only you knew..*chuckles*

I'm sorry to hear that you are still abit depressed about dealing with the aftermath of your brain going awol on its own trip, so to speak for a time, Ed.

I hope that with time, it lessens the acuteness of memory for that time and perhaps you will see some humour about what happened. It takes sometime for that anger and pain to dissipate but it will go somewhat if you let it.

I believe that medication is a good thing, I'm the first to reach for a bottle of aspirin when I hurt, I'm such a wuss!

At the time I wasn't totally myself tho, I didn't want medication to calm me down, because I was trying to have my say about what I was feeling and what was happening to me, i.e the abusive ex on drugs for one! Also another issue for me at the time is that I have been taking medication for years (asthma and allergies) and was fed up and frustrated with it and was rebelling against those also. You see I really hate being dependant on drugs to help me to breathe when I should be able to do it myself and I hate being allergic to animals, birds and plants all of which I love to be around. Coupled with my breakdown that was an issue for me that popped out along with many others. Which made it really difficult for the head docs to sort out, rather like dealing with a runaway locomotive of thoughts dropping its burdens along the track indiscriminately.

Then of course my ex was into dealing with cocaine, speed, weed, mushrooms and not the good kind either, acid etc and at this point..I had got the idea that perhaps he was spiking my food and drink or his friends were, they (his friends) would come around all times of the day and night and I was quite paranoid about this, but I didn't know how to tell the docs at the time, my brain was flitting about like a frightened bird.

So much pressure. You know, for the crap he had around the house, I could have gone to prison for it and lost my baby. As it was I did a sort of time anyhow! Which in retrospect did me the world of good altho I'm still a bit angry about it at times.

As for seeing head docs, if you find one that's really good for you that's great, but for me I feel it would just do more damage than good now.

I did find one head doc really nice, she was an American and she was also pregnant - which calmed me down allot and I found myself being more gentle with my thoughts around her. This was most likely done on purpose...at least I wonder if that was so...

Heeee!

Blimey...rather allot of reading...sorry..

Kind of reminds me too of one bad part of someone using my mental health against me..

My ex, when I went back to live with him, I didn't have anywhere else to go at the time (my thinking, of course I did, but didn't know how to get away) he threatened to kill me...and after a scuffle I called the police..

When the police arrived, he said that I was on medication and just got out of the nuthouse and was a bit leery he then showed the police my meds in the cupboard. The police just looked very sorry for me and asked if I had any marks of abuse etc, which I hadn't and they left.

After that things got worse. I applied for a house, in secret and as it happened things got so bad, he didn't pay any bills with the benefits he claimed for me, the baby and himself, but instead used them on drugs and we were evicted....

Luckily for me, I had already applied for housing and got somewhere. He went to his friends, and that's where I started picking up my life again.



Of course I haven't covered everything there above, that is very condensed.

I have much sympathy for partners that feel that they are trapped and have nowhere to go. Before I met my ex and was a happy single, owning two houses, a sports car and a very well paid job, I would have been less sympathetic and said well there are always shelters and they could get out, they just choose not to and they are stupid if they don't - in reality it's not that easy to get out of a mental trough, I understand that now.

I'm glad you did manage to get away from your abusive ex. That's something I've never had to go through.

Thanks JEllen it's done with now, scratch it down to experience - live n' learn n' all that...

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It's terrible that he could do that, MV, and terrible that there is so much fear/prejudice around mental health issues...

Yep.

So where did Ed go? Are you still around, Ed?

Yes, still here, Vixen. I was just busy so took a break from the &#8216;puter. This is no bad thing from time to time. Computers have featured in both my hypomanic incidents &#8211; e-mailing all sorts of people, becoming obsessed with certain sites, typing through the night, being convinced I could become a dotcom millionaire, downloading lots of porn....

It looks like I&#8217;ve had it easy, compared to some of the other contributors here. I&#8217;ve not been in an abusive relationship (far from it). I&#8217;ve not got in serious trouble with the police. Even last where when I burst into a police station late at night raving that I couldn&#8217;t find the number for the Samaritans to report that my wife was suicidal (she wasn&#8217;t!). They calmly gave me a brush-off, contacted my wife, and continued to monitor me discretely while I spent the next few days in a nearby hotel. I never knew the police could be so sensible! Outwardly I maintain the appearance of a financially viable middle class guy in a stable job &#8211; although I&#8217;m somewhat struggling with that one at the moment.

So what am I complaining about? Well...years of depression. Poor self image, compounded by my embarrassment at my hypomania. A feeling of unfulfilled potential. Yadda yadda yadda.

So &#8211; where do I go from here?

Sorry about the &#8211 etc. That's a hyphen. &#8216 and &#8217 are apostrophes - if that helps.

Hey Ed

re: so where do I go from here.

errr....is that meant to be rhetorical to see what answer we come up with?

Cos if it is, I'd answer the same as I did in the last post, do your best to enjoy your life as much as you can.

There is nothing wrong with ambition of being a .com millionare, and exploring ideas to persue that quest, so to speak.

As for downloading lotsa porn..well each to their own as long as you are not a pedophile or someone who likes unconsentual abusive sex and your wife doesn't find it too offensive - that it damages your relationship. If the latter, get help.

As for the other stuff, the police bless em are sensible and are good at monitoring - sometimes.

An experience of this perhaps, and I am speculating:

Before I went into the hospital, I also went to the police to try to tell them about the drugs and well it all came out garbled from what I can remember because I was trying to protect my family and grass my ex and his dealers at the same time and didn't know how to go about this without getting into trouble, as I'm not very clever you see...

I was shooed out of the station and well..as far as I knew that was that - at the time.

Not long after I was out of the hospital about a month or so, there was an incident where the police actually got a warrant to search our house. The scenario was that a taxi driver had been robbed and that my ex fit the description. This could all have been coincidence..but anyhow he was carted off to the cop shop..and our house was searched.

Quite a few items were secured - his clothes out of the laundry and other stuff.

At that point the ex and his cronies had taken to burying their crap down by the river in waterproof containers but however there were still bags of Marijuana in the garden shed that was missed in the search. I'm talking several keys of the stuff.

I'll always wonder to this day, if what they did was an elaborate way of searching of our house for evidence and not alarming my ex or his boss and runners so to speak..and purposely ignored those bags (they were in open view in a bin and quite large bags) so that they could monitor more covertly to get to the source of the drugs entering the country.

I'd like to hope that they did.

In case you were wondering, there was a taxi driver who was robbed and my ex had to do a walkby in the town centre in a crowded street with a camera filming us, for - so we were told - the taxi driver, so that he could pick him out of a crowd.

I guess I'll never know for sure. I also wonder if the b@st@rd that robbed the taxi driver was ever caught, and if indeed it was my ex or one of his so called friends.

What has this got to do with you or where you want to get in life? Nothing...sh!t happens - life thrives on sh!t and makes more sh!t *chuckles*

I am trying to be funny with black humour...

Hi Ed, don't be embarassed by the mania - it's just a symptom of a real physical illness, something that is not your fault. You wouldn't be ashamed if you were diabetic, would you, or if you had heart trouble? Bipolar people must lead the fight against stigma by emphasizing that mental illness is exactly that, an illness. I hope it helps some to talk about this here on h2g2, and realize you are not alone in battling mania.

Where do you go from here? That depends a lot on your own inclinations and what you are drawn too. I don't work myself - depression and anxiety make that difficult to impossible. But I am very active in my UU church, and I immerse myself in things I love, like movies and art. I still do some artwork, whether on the computer or on canvas. Yes, the "could have beens" makes me sad sometimes - could I have made it in a film career, or as an artist, etc. But I try not to dwell on that, because it's just so fruitless.

You are still suffering from depression - keep after your doctor to continue tweaking and personalizing your meds. It takes a lot of juggling, but the right combination can make a big difference. And there is always the hope of new medications in the future.

Would you like to see some of my artwork Ed? You could email me, and I could email a couple of my paintings.

Hi too to Vixen! *waves*

Thanks for the continued support

Vixen...the "downloading porn" bit wasn't really a confession as to my normal state of mind (although I understand it's a pretty mainstream activity!) Hypersexuality is a common symptom of hypomania. At the time I was horny as a goat on heat. Now it all seems a little seedy. And my wife DID find it offensive. So you can see how it relates to my general embarassment. But, yes. Move on. S**t happens (or as we call it where I am, S**te). Eat a peach, etc.

And, yes, JEllen, I understand full well that I have an illness (As Kurt Vonnegut keeps saying - "chemicals in the brain"). In theory I'm not ashamed of it. I'm a tolerant left-wing kinda guy and would never stigmatise anyone else. It's only myself I've got a downer on at the moment. I realise that this is just depression stuff, and I need to do something positive to snap out of it (and the encouragement I'm getting here is part of that. Thanks!

As to the meds, I've pretty much stabilised on Venlafaxine (Effexor) and Depakote. I say my trick cyclist last week, and he's not yet considering a change in dose. (btw, in my time I've tried lots of different anti-depressants, and I'm happiest with venlafaxine. Although ironically it's biggest side-effect for me is sexual - in a kinda opposite way to the hypomania if you see what I mean). Also I'm seeing my CPN later this week. I don't know if you'd approve, Vix, but I wish I had confidence that the blessed herb beloved of Rastafar-I would do some good (others say so - and I've been rather partial in the past). But I think I'll play safe. In my case it could well have triggered psychosis.

Off on a tangent - I don't share any religious faith with you, JEllen. Having considered the options, I'm now a born-again atheist fundamentalist. HOWEVER: again, religion featured in my hypomania, to the extent that having failed to get support from the Samaritans, the police and the organisation I used to get counselling from, I went into a church/ community centre and demanded to speak to a minister (on the grounds that they would possibly have some training in this sort of thing). Eventually they listened, but didn't help. Not their fault. I was talking about marital problems, not saying "Please get me help. I'm a loon."

Anyhow...yadda yadda yadda. I woke up a bit shakey this a.m. but I'm feeling a little stronger now. I'll try and remember that I'm a clever, creative, loving person and get on with enjoying life. I'll hold off swapping e-mails, if you don't mind: My current account is getting spammed-out, and I'm waiting for Google mail to be launched. But then we can swap film-talk, artwork, etc. As part of my therapy - to encourage me to get out when I as depressed - I took a short photography course run by a mental health organisation. Now I'm into photographing flowers and tweaking them electronically. When I was manic and in the hospital, I re-discovered a lost ability ton draw and could knock up pretty good sketches of other patients - and I'm looking to make time to do other similar arty things. And my other creative skill is cooking: I must re-start my dormant recipe website.

There. Positives can come if we try. But I must remember not to feel guilty whenever I get enthusiastic.