h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Gargravarr's body]
*Chokes on the olive, tumbles through the airlock into deep space and promptly explodes after 30 seconds*

[Gargravarr]
Well that's got rid of him.

[mattress]

*shock* nobody rescued him! That must be a first. Even if the odds are 2^276709 to one against, it's always happened before. *tries to get this round his head but seeing as his brain is as flat as a pancake, he doesn't get far*

[Thor]

*Walks over to the vogon lady(if you could call her that*
What did you say about me penguin friend? If you hurt one feather on that bird.....
*picks up hammer, shows it around, gets distracted by some gunk on the window*

*Where was I?*

Oh yeah, bartenter, pour me another dozen drinks

[whale]

*Is enjoying the sensation of being petted by the Dozer Guy*

Oooo!

[Vogon Guard's Aunt]
How dare you insult a woman like that, Thor!
Where are your manners!
Why in my day if someone like you said something like that to someone like me, something would be done about it!

[Marvin]

* the tablecloth begins to smoulder, then suddenly bursts into flames, along with all the vodka. The smoke detectors in the ceiling finally realise what's going on and set off the fire alarms, which need so much power that all the lights go out. In the flickering light of the fire, Marvin is seen to be lying absolutely motionless, still staring at the ceiling *

*sound of magnetic-soled boots hitting outside of hull, then clomping in direction of airlock*

*sound of airlock cycling through*

RESISTANCE IS -- koff koff koff

*grabs extinguisher and plays it over entire area till fire is out and all are covered in white foam, including mattress, supine android and whale*

Orright then. Who insulted my aunt?

[mattress]

Wow - that is one determined Vogon! Surely the peak of evolution. Or at least one of the shallower valleys.

[whale]

*Sputters through its blowhole and accidently sprays the Vogon with fire extinguisher foam and whale spit.*

~sneezes~

Whoa! Did you hear that noise I just made? Oh wow! That was something different. I didn't know I could make noises like THAT!

*Tries to sneeze again.*

Ahhhh chooo. Nope, that isn't right. Wait. Ah Choooooo! No, no, wait. Ahhmmchoo. Dang.

[enlisted Vogon guard]

*as his aunt points, Vogon guard marches up behind Thor, who is on his tenth drink, and seizes him by the shoulder*
Resistance is futile!

[Marvin]

* short-circuits on the fire foam, sending sparks flying. After a while, he wakes up, leaps to his feet and grabs the enlisted Vogon *

Leave the God alone, got it?

* Marvin throws the enlisted Vogon across the room, rubs his side, and bows. *

[Gargravarr]
now now, play nicely

[Marvin]

* is too intelligent to try attacking Gargravarr's corporeal form, so begins reciting Paula Nacy Millstone Jennings' finest work at his highest volume setting *

[Gargravarr]

*Even as an etherical presence, still experiences some sort of discomfort from hearing possibly the worst poetry ever written (although they haven't actually read any of his)*

[Marvin]

* turns up the volume and continues to recite *

[Rob McKenna]
*drops dead*

[whale]

*submerges into the vodka pool and makes distressed whale songs at top volume.*

[enlisted Vogon guard]
*gets up, clomps over to Marvin and turns him off*

[mattress]
Thank you Vogon! As long as you don't start reciting your own poetry.

Did you know that DNA originally used the name of an old enemy of his (who had the initials PNMJ anyway) who wrote appalling poetry, but when the book was published he complained and so DNA had to use an alternate name.

Paul Niel Milne Johnston I think is who was mentioned in the radio play. In the book and tv series it's Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. I may have spelled these incorrectly.

[Marvin]

* is switched off, so cannot do anything *