h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*drops bartender, who hastens to make a martini*

[Marvin]

Lying down strains my waist joints. It's even more depressing than standing up.

[Thor]

Did hear martini?

*looks around and throws his hammer at Marvin*

Your depressing attitude is bring this party down, metal man.

*sends for the robot repair crew*

Marvin, I'm getting you some help so cheer up.

[Vogon Guard's Aunt]
If you don't tell him that you WILL throw the barman out of the airlock, then the barman may well think that you won't. And that will never do, you'll put the whole Vogon race to shame.

[enlisted Vogon guard]
*grabs freshly made martini and clomps over to Granny Weatherwax, thrusting the drink into her hand*
*wheels around and marches back to bartender*

Resistance is futile!

*grabs bartender and drags him out of the room and down the corridor, toward the waste hatch*

[Vogon Guard's Aunt]
*Beams with pride*

[dozer guy]

*hands piece of paper to guard*
"You can't use that mate - union rules - only trained waste hatch operatives can use the hatch, I'm afraid."

*palms a fiver from the barman*

[Marvin]

It's all pointless. All of it's pointless.

[enlisted Vogon]
*stares incredulously at dozer guy*
What? WHAT?
*grabs dozer guy's collar with free hand and begins propelling him forward along with bartender, toward waste hatch*
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

[Marvin]

"Share and Enjoy"

* laughs cynically *

*A large grey whale pops into existence, sending people sprawling and knocking over a couple drinks.*

[whale]

Oooo! What's all this about? It looks like a gathering of strangely formed beings. I'll have to think of a name for it. The beings sure jump around and make noise a lot. Maybe they are happy. Hello happy beings!!! Oooo! They are waving their little fists at me! Happy, jumping beings... I know! I'll call it a Party!

*Wig-wags fin at the Party, upsetting a trolley of hors d'ouerves.*

[Marvin]

* groans *

*Gargravarr's body briefly walks in*

[Gargravarr's Body]
I know how to make this party go with a bang!

*Attaches several tonnes of explosives to the whale*

[Gargravarr]
No no no! You're not blowing up fellow guests again. You know the trouble that caused last time

[Gargravarr's Body]
Moan moan moan. You always spoil my fun.

*Gargravarr's Body puts his mind in a jar and attatches that to the whale too*

[dozer guy]

*falls through chute*
*returns showered and with a pint of caffreys*
"oh well - worth a try..."

[enlisted Vogon]
*returns from waste hatch*

It's difficult to explain the psychic satisfaction of a mission accomplished by the book. You know you have kept faith with your fellow Marines, not let your comrades down... I feel I could write a poem...

[Marvin]

Oh God, that's so depressing.

[Gargravarr]{slightly muffled}
Could someone open this bottle and deactiviate the explosives quickly so that the whale they are attached to does not have to come to terms with no longer being a whale

*grabs explosives and brain and wheels around, heading back to the waste hatch*

Resistance is futile!

*sound of waste hatch airlock door opening and closing*

whooooosssssssssshhBOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
*everything shakes and trembles for a moment*

*silence from down the corridor*

[Rob McKenna]
Oh no. Thunder.

[Gargravarr]
A potentially bad situation diverted there, don't know who's brain was flushed down the chute though.

*Notices a gaping hole in the whale's head*

Ah.

*Sends a request to waste disposal to recover the brain before it is missed*