h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Enters the pub on the arm Dirk, a muscular Chippendale dancer. Her sheer golden gown clings to her full breasts then falls away in a swirl of mystery. Dirk's hand brushes her long silken hair away fron her neck. He gently caresses her throat. The ruby hearts dangling from her earlobes catch the fire reflected in his longing gaze.*

Perhaps later, my young stallion...........if you're very good.

*Glances up from his healing meditation.*

Riiight.

*trys to find a My Bloody Valentine song on the jukebox*

...*But Linus has a bit-o-trouble finding the right buttons to push as the disco lights flicker...when the music starts back up...it's:
'The Book Of Love'...*

...*Pandora whispers to creachy that a bit of libation is in order...*
Yo' Creachy, I'm diggin' the hell outta' dancin' an' all but I'm so dry I couldn't muster up a spit if your cloak was on fire.
...*naturally, this is whispered in a very cooing, lady-like way...*

She sits at a corner table and waits for Dirk to bring champagne from the bar. He places the ice bucket on the table before her, his muscles rippling and glistening with moisture from the over warm room. He bends forward and whispers, "Hypatia, wouldn't you be more comfortable if you loosened your gown?" His long slender fingers reach for a tiny button on her bodice.

She laughingly slaps his hand away. "Open the champagne, you naughty boy. The evening is even younger than you are. Patience, my dear, patience."

*Enters door dressed in formal biker outfit:
Skin-tight black one-piece leathers with full length zipper, gleaming white silk scarf with silver motorcycle motif (knotted carefully so as not to conceal just a glimpse of silvering chest hair) and tossed elegantly over left shoulder. Immaculate Italian leather mid-calf length boots with concealed zipper and delicate motorcycle-shaped buckle. Titanium designer sun-glasses, just obscure enough to see the outline of the eye, but not the pupil. Delicate calf leather gloves with silvered carbon-fibre knuckle protecters and silver thread double stitching....*

"Hello, young lovers, whoever you are..."

*Hands a young budding to each of the ladies present, just touching their hand to his lips as they take it*

"You are even more beautiful than the flower, m'lady..."

*Ignores the Chippendale's envious eyeing of his rear end (without visible underwear line)*

"Hypatia, I've missed caressing your back recently - please do tell me when you are in need of muscular relief again!"

WR, my back is yours to caress tonight, tomorrow, for eternity.

Dirk, spend the evening watching a real man. Who knows, someday you may become one......if you're very lucky.

Turns her back seductively to WR and sighs in anticipation.

...*"gacefully" slips across the floor on her rear after *trying* to rush to Lady-H's table...where WR stands flirting his leather off...the slid ends when she goes under the table & stops when her face meets Dirks crotch...*...*Dirk gaspes...doubles over, knocking the champagne bucket into Hypatia's lap...when all is said and done...Pan lays in a heap with a loverly red rose between her teeth...*I hope nobody has that on tape or nothin'!!...*tries to stand...stilleto heels making it impossible as there are ice cubes all about...*
I jusss hate when that happens.

*Enters the pub sporting her best green muddy wellies, threadbare jeans, an oversized moth-eaten jumper and restraining three equally scruffy, wet and muddy pooches and surveys Pan's current situation*

Well really! Do get up Pan! Such brazen behaviour really does not become a woman of your age! Where's your decorum woman? Tsk!

*Allows the leads for her canine friends to drop and they swamp Pan in a tide of muddy paws and wet tongues*

Who's the poo...err...nice boy in the very shiny black leathers? WR is that you? Good grief! Did you ride your m/c through a wax'n'shine car wash or summat?

*Pauses to help herself to a drink and remove the from Pan's mouth*

So! What's new then?

*sulks in the corner, drinking , one after the other*

Hati? It's not good to drink alone. May I join you? Two livers would bear the load better than one...

*joins Hati*

Men suck sometimes.

*opens more *

*looks down at her blue T shirt and jogging trousers*

Hmm, not my best get up, but it will have to do.

*thumps the juke box........Rose Royce with her 'Car wash' starts up*

Life s*cks.
Just a statement...

Three livers are even better.
I am quite unemployed now - gives me a lot of free time for .

Life's a b*tch and then you die.

Then or now, does it make any difference?

Well, I personally would prefer it to be then. Though I was wondering who that tall, robed fellow with the scythe was earlier.

Oh, perhaps he's looking for me.

Sends Dirk to Hati's table to cheer her up.

*stares at Dirk*

You don't look like the chap I am waiting for... Where is the scythe?