h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Kiddo: Whoe. I would say day-ja-voo, but I have no idea how to spell it.

Peaceful! Look. I know all about this ddgb person... trust me, she tried it on with Matt... All I can say is I hope you see things the way they are... I'm sure Kes wouldnt have if he hadnt been ... near... her...

*sob* dont let her break another couple apart...

Peaceful - listen to FC. It's true. It was just a moment's weakness. Peaceful ... can we ...?
*Peaceful smiles, and moves close to Kes. She nods, smiles and invites him to kiss her.
He reaches for Peaceful .....
and a moment later is doubled up, face down on the sand, apparently trying to find his stamp album, and making funny noises*
aaaaaaak! ohohohohoh! erk oof hhhhhh!
I didn't .... ooh! peaceful, If you'd ... ouch. oh!
*Kes is simultaneously wishing for all of the following, in no particular order:
- better tasting sand
- his Mum
- that his stamp album had been the hard cover edition
- that he could stop seeing small, multicoloured stars
- that his hearing would return quickly
- about 20 aspirins
- someone would restrain Peaceful, who was being anything but eponymous.*

Kiddo: Peaceful! Hey! Stop! er...

*Tries to pull Peaceful away from Kes.*

Settle down now! okay!? you...uh...maybe...I should leave then?
er...
I'll just go and uh, look for Tweetie.
...bye

Thanks, Kiddo.
No, I don't usually talk like this - it must be the cold weather.
Peaceful! No! Not again. Just let me get my breath and some other bits back.
*He stands up suddenly, decides that was a bad idea, and sits down, trying to preserve his assets.*

*wanders behind Kes with an evil grin on her face* (has reverted to using * instead of ( ) people seem to use them!)

aw... babes, why did you go running off like that? *sees PE* um. hey, do you mind if I just take Kes for a while? It's just he promised to show me around some of the quieter spots on this wonderful island.... I knew you would understand..

*links arms with Kes* right, where shall we try first?

*PE is taken completely aback by this bold approach. She decides to let Kes respond - then she will judge him.
Kes recalls something his Mum once said about frying pans and fires, but it gets all mixed up with something about the value of a bird in the hand, and as he already seems to have a bird by the arm ...*
Peaceful, I think we ...
*Stop. Reset frequency. Repeat transmission one octave lower.*
Peaceful. I think we should all talk about this when you're a bit more rational. There's no point in just having a shouting match, or a fight. I do really ...
*A momentary twinge of conscience comes up against a renewed snuggly encounter with ddgb. Score: Snuggle United - 1, Conscience Academicals - nil.*
Babe - I'll show you one or two nice features of this place, that way you'll feel safer when you go exploring.
*With his eyes focussed on one or two nice features, and his brain in entirely the wrong place, Kes, escorts ddgb from the camp.*
*Peaceful is running through an appropriate range of emotions, but immobile. Though her vision is damply blurred, she gains some satisfaction from noticing that Kes is having some difficulty walking normally.*

*Kes's conscience is trying to contact his brain. It is getting the busy signal. Recalling the beneficial effects of a cold shower (as delivered by Marshall FC recently), it signals "cold water ... cold water .../*
I don't know why, Babe, but I think some cold water would do me good. How about I show you round Peaceful Bay, and I'll cool off in the sea while we're there?
*ddgb nods, flutters eyelashes, wiggles accessories, and generally indicates approval. As she and K head off, the crab emerges from where he has been watching events. He goes towards Peaceful, and prepares to try to comunicate ...*

*Crab has attracted Peaceful's attention - a good start. There may be a chance here, because Crab saw her talking with the dolphins. His dance begins:*

What the Prophet said:

And Almitra said to the Prophet:
Speak to us of passion. And he replied:

I have seen the conflicts of passion rise like a summer storm, and the wisdom of that passion is in the voice of the thunder.
Listen while my uncle (the Dublin Crab) tells you what the thunder says ...

*Crab pauses to scoop up a little sand, and ingest the moisture and minerals. Then he resumes his dance, with a faint Irish lilt: *

What the Thunder said:

My passion is in the hot winds of a summer night.
!em rof ton si gniknihT
I am conflict, I am anger. I am conspicuous waste of energy.
I will destroy, but I can avenge.
Be not like me. Consider first: What outsome do you truly desire?
For desire is more important than passion.

If you desire to recover what seems lost, be patient, for if you destroy it,
nruter reven nac ti

If you truly desire love, then you will for a time suffer,
And you may never succeed, but you must try
eetnaraug on si erehT

If you desire revenge, be calm, be still.
Be patient.
Acquire a mask, practise a smile,
And wear it when you come to dinner.
For revenge is a dish best eaten cold,
Carved with the keenest knife
Garnished with the salt of your tears.

If you desire peace within yourself,
You need no mask.
Your beauty is your own,
As is your heart.

*Peaceful's face betrays nothing. She bows her head for a moment, nods to Crab, and goes into the hut, alone with her thoughts. Crab wonders if his advice was heard. Unwilling to give up on these silly humans, he heads off towards Peaceful Bay.*

*flutter of wings
GB lands outside the hut, & wonders why the camp is deserted...
From inside the hut, GB hears the sound of sobbing.
*wonders whether to go in
*looks down at Fred the Crab in her hands
What do you think?
Crab waves his claws, and GB nods in agreement.
*flutter of wings

* The dolphin HAD calmed her down... but when she looked into Kes' innocent eyes, she saw red...

* She had almost calmed down again when he called her by that horrible name... what was it? Eponymous.

* Unforgivable.

* Still sobbing a bit, and stopping to smile when she remembered Kes hopping about... she reached for her necessaire. A bit of makeup...

* Then she took out the little book she'd brought along inside it:
"Neurobiology's 20,000 hottest tips on how to keep your man happy"

I think I'd better give this to gorgeous * she thought *

* Peaceful feels the beneficial presence of the kindest of angels, she calms down a bit more, and decides to go for a little walk...

I'm here, Peaceful, if you need me....

Oh! Galaxy Babe! Did you see that? Swimming together?!

I think that did it... they deserve each other.

All right, he was faithful to me when I turned into an adorable pink lemur... But then, he said he was going to buy a candy-bar, or look for a star or something, and off he went... and when he gets back, he's lugging this gorgeous babe all around... Let him have her!

I don't care any more! It's over. It's just the million bucks for me now...

By the way, ever stopped to think that a million dollars won't get you very far nowadays? Anyway, I never did tell Kes I'm actually very rich. Remembered that the other day... Doesn't matter any more!
Don't worry about me, I can buy as many Keses as my heart desires...
It's really all right...

*Kes, still owning some 60% of his clothes, arrives back at camp.*
Peaceful! Are you here?
You're not going to kick me again, are you?
*Looks nervously over shoulder. Now he thought about it, he couldn't be sure that he had seen Peaceful at the Bay ..
He muses:*
Well, it wasn't anyone else - I'd recognise her anywhere, it's just, well the air seemed to .. twist sideways a bit, and then she wasn't there.
Peaceful .. can we talk?

*Looking W towards the beach, Kes sees Peaceful. She has refreshed her makeup, giving her an appearance of serene beauty quite unlike ... er , you know who. Peaceful moves parallel to the tide line, langourously, gracefully gathering driftwood, which she cradles in her arms. Borne on the wind, faint snatches of a melody that she is humming to herself.*

*Looking NE, along the cleared path that goes from camp to Peaceful Bay, Kes catches sight of ddgb, striding purposefully towards Yapong camp, wearing very little extremely well, and dragging behind her ... no it can't be .. but it is .. a severely savaged anorak.*

Hmm. Obviously, ddgb is not pleased with me. I am going to be in big trouble when she arrives. I could end up re-arranged so that I fit into the re-arranged anorak......
And when, or if, Peaceful looks up from her work ... well, I know what she can do when she's unhappy.
*A quick subconscious measurement is made of vectors - distance, angle, ... then velocities.*
OMIGAWD. They are both going to arrive here together. I'm toast.
*His brain refuses to cope with yet another emotional overload. It puts on a Startrek tape. As Kes tries to prepare a way out of this situation, all he can do is mumble:*
Beam me up, Scotty. Now would be good.
*The beautiful dual deliverers of Nemesis continue their walks ....*

*thinks about walking over to Kes, but spots Matthew in the distance... She feels slightly torn towards Kes, but realises he must have some explaining to do...

*leaving the anorak on the sand for him, she goes to catch up Matthew, calling his name softly as she walks back to Peaceful Bay...*

* M.K wanders in...even thought he is still heavily concussed he senses it is not a good time, and hastily leaves... *

* Wise move, Matthew!

* Unlike Matthew, Kes seems to be heavily under the influence...

* First it was a hubris... now it's the Nemesis thing. One day this, the other day that. The fellow's a goner...