h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Effluvia of the Human Body - A3826217
Author: Edward the Bonobo - Hey! Luciani. - U803114

I have no idea how I got myself volunteered to write this - I'm not normally a scatological kind of guy.

Big up an massiv respeck (or, as we say today, 'props') to U247740, aka WanderingAlbertross - micturating into a stiff breeze. Various researchers promised to contribute, but only he managed to come up with the goods. His Entry, A3850850 merits separate submission. Incidentally - when I added him to the Researchers list, it bumped me off and I showed up as Editor. How so?

I realise there are some overlaps between my Magnum Opus and various Entries dealing with sub-processes. I've rerenced them, and I hope that this Umbrella article will be seen as adding something to The Guide.

For unedited entries, the author shows up as editor and anybody else credited shows up as author. When the entry becomes edited, the author and all other people credited are shown as authors, while the subeditor is shown as the editor.

The authors will be listed in order of researcher number, so the most venerable researcher on the list will be listed first.

I've read the first bit of this.

Content:

The exhalation of warm, moist air contributes considerably to heat loss via evaporation.

I don't understand this. Where does this evaporation occur?

You might like to narrate the story of the man from Western culture in Africa far from civilisation with a native. The man blew his nose into a handkerchief and put the handkerchief. The native asked "Why are you putting that stuff from your nose into your pocket? Do you want to keep it?".

You don't mention the European traditions that require a response from others after a sneeze, such as "Bless you", or "Gesundheit". In Ireland it was thought that the fairies could steal you away if no-one responded to your sneeze.

You seem to distinguish between Expectoration (with its own section) and Spitting (in the Salivation section).

Niggles:

It's CO2 but carbon dioxide (no capital letters).

"The build-up of CO2 within the lungs triggers sensors such that when CO2 concentration reaches a certain level," -- this is cumbersome and repetitive

proportion of oxygen than CO2 upwards --> proportion of oxygen than CO2) upwards

Various other compound are included --> Various other compounds are included

Esteric by-products -- do you really mean esteric or do you mean esoteric? Just checking.

diabetes my smelling --> diabetes by smelling

By control the exhalatory --> By control of the exhalatory

spitting sputum onto the found --> spitting sputum onto the ground (I think)

Thanks as ever.

Yes, I'll have to work the hanky story in there.

Expectoration vs Spitting is a tricky one. I'm classifying expectoration as the clearing of the respiratory tract - with some justification, based on etymology. Both expectorated mucus and saliva can be cleared from the mouth by spitting. I suspect that footie players emit a mixture of both.

Just a few comments and typos from my first pass:

Sternuation: typo - causing air to discharged - should read - causing air to BE discharged

Perspiration / Secretion: I thought the presence of body hair at the armpits and pubis increased the surface area available for the secretions to evaporate hence decreasing the aroma. If they were trapped by the hair they would be concentrated.

Salivation: suggestion - Chewing tobacco - In the Southern States it is common, in workplaces, to see men carrying their own spitoons around with them.

Ejaculation: suggestion - possibly replace - provided it is done right - with - provided it is done correctly or skillfuly.

suggestion - For those on a diet the calorific value of the average ejaculate is between 12 and 15 calories equivalent to a stick of asparagus.

Flatulence: suggestion - while flatulence can largely be controlled failure to do so can result in the unfortunate act of involuntary defaecation or following through.

The hairy parts - good point.

But if I mention asparagus, I'll then have to talk about its effect on urine...and this could be never-ending!

(Sign in a Gentlemen's Club: 'Members are requested not to urinate into the umbrella stands during the asparagus season.')

Can you mention pheromones in your section on perspiration? As you mention freshly bathed lovers it should fit the entry nicely to explain *why* it is nice.

In Ejaculation section you mention female ejaculation, but not the other, er, secretions. It seems odd to miss that out.

In Parturition the waters don't always 'gush', so perhaps that could be changed to "often gushing forth near the start of labour". Sometimes it's more of a dribble that makes us wonder whether heavy pregnancy has made us lose all control of our bladders.

"whether from a general distaste over bodily discharges, or a fatherly jealousy over forced sharing of what he regards as 'his' toys."

Some mothers also regard it as disgusting - as they perceive breasts to be a sexual organ only. Can you add that in?

In Exfoliation - I don't think I've ever heard milk teeth called deciduous before! Perhaps a more common term might be better.

I'm going to pass there - note to self - you got to Flatulation...

Personally I think this article is too long - do you think that you'd be able to split it? There's also an intimidating number of footnotes...

I loved it! The tone is just right, the references to jokes and popular culture are often enough and fleeting enough to keep you reading. The "only if it's done right" bit is worded fine, in my opinion - changing it to more correct grammar would kill the joke. Some typos after a quick readthrough: 'Voluntary expectoration of saliva, possibly mixed with mucous' ->mucus 'seminal vessicles' -> vesicles 'In preparation for the reception of the fertilised ovum, the lining or endometrium, of the uterus' - maybe 'In preparation for the reception of the fertilised ovum, the lining (or endometrium) of the uterus' Pop a ' on the end of the Billy Connolly quote Footnote 19: 'Deaths at toiled are not uncommon as the increase in blood pressure results in aneursym' toiled -> toilet, aneursym -> aneurysm Oh, and I'm on your side with this, but we argued about defecation/defaecation here just recently: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F2031968?thread=600376 Yeah, it's pretty long, but I foresee problems in working out how this could usefully be split up. Bravo, this must have been a lot of work! Matt

Epic.

Maybe dandruff merits a specific mention?

Ta, all. I'll clear up the typo-ish stuff just as soon as.

Other points:
Long - yes. Far too long for any sane person to have written. Let's see what the Scouts say.
Too many footnotes: Yes, a problem given the unhelpful on-screen format. But I've had this debate before. I kinda like the bogus pseudo-erudition that they lend.
Waters breaking - good point.
Vaginal secretions: Ah! You should have read on past 'Flatulation', you see! Also - (point of info) are pheromones in sweat or in oily secretions?
Female ejaculation: I'll admit that I don't know enough about this - and discovering more via the web requires a certain circumspection. I'm not sure whether the stuff being squirted is the same as vaginal wall secretions (I suspect not).
Deciduous millk teeth: Yup! It seems they *are* called that - so I'll let that stand as a bit of education. I think that it's clear what they are from the context.
Women and breastfeeding: Good point. Our peculiar cultural aversion to breastfeeding is not restricted to men. However...sometimes I like to lean towards opinionation at the expense of accuracy. Further expansion might bury a half-decent joke here.
Dandruff: Good point. Increased epilation caused by fungal growth. Mind you - I might then have to expand to discuss various other disease conditions - like that fungus that causes nails to flake, excema, psoriasis, etc. I'll have a think.

But you can see why it's long!

Next installment of comments.

Spitting can be become a contentious inter-cultural issue. Muslims are forbidden by their religion from swallowing anything between during the daylight hours during the month of Ramadhan. This is interpreted to include swallowing saliva, so if they have excess saliva, the customary way to dispose of it is by spitting, which is forbidden by law in many places in the UK. This has even been raised as a question in parliament.

with a cooperative female or male partner -- I think it is enough to say "with a cooperative partner"

I'm sure about the value of putting the word bukkake into this entry. It may get the entry banned by various Net Nanny programs. I should certainly hope so.

vessicles --> vesicles

the lining or endometrium, of the uterus --> the lining or endometrium of the uterus

menstrual flow.'. -- The double full stop at the end of this sentence should be avoided. I think in this particular sentence the full stop can go either before or after the quote. (The style guidelines are somewhat ambiguous here).

one of the few bodily discharges which are available --> one of the few bodily discharges which is available

Add full stop after:

all manner of beasties

at are constant rate --> at a constant rate

gasses --> gases (plural noun - the 3rd person singular present tense of the verb 'to gas' is indeed spelt 'gasses')

I don't think there's any need for the hyphen in CH3CH2CH2COOH. In fact, you could easily write it as C3H7COOH.

Actually, I'm not sure about "one of the few ... which is". Either way sounds wrong. You should say "one of the few ... available".

I'll read on past Flatulence later on today - I'd rather not do it over breakfast.

Your figure of 13 million litres of urine must be wrong. That amounts to only 2ml per person per day. Perhaps it should be 13 billion litres.

sitting down a custom --> sitting down, a custom

light straw coloured --> light straw-coloured

I would use 'defecation' rather than 'defaecation', even though I'd use the spellings faeces and faecal.

consisting of largely of --> consisting largely of

voluntary tightening of muscles to increase abdominal muscles -- should this be 'abdominal pressure'?

1960's --> 1960s

relatively dense hairs grown there --> relatively dense hairs growing there (this makes it sounds less like a conscious decision to grow the hairs)

Move footnote 25 to before the full stop.

Sebaceaous --> Sebaceous

Bleeding may me noticed --> Bleeding may be noticed

on rinsing te mouth --> on rinsing the mouth

Haemmorrhoids --> Haemorrhoids

In footnote, insert full stop after miscarriage

toiled --> toilet

aneursym --> aneurysm

Right! That's the lot.



I suppose this entry is long enough without somehow putting in the old constipated mathematician joke. 'He worked it out with a pencil'.

Ref World human urine volume:

"Your figure of 13 million litres of urine must be wrong. That amounts to only 2ml per person per day. Perhaps it should be 13 billion litres."

There are 6.5 x 10 to power 9 people in the World.

Each urinates approx 1.5 litres/day (depending on climate, I suppose).

This = 2.25 x 10 tp power 12 litres urine/day

= 225 million million litres (British Units) or

225 billion units (American units)

PS That was my second attempt to post the above message. The ing computer reset itself to BBC Home Page just as I was about to 'send' the ing message. I had to re-write the whole lot.

BigAl's calculations don't make any sense in the previous posting.

Allowing 2 litres per day per person would give a figure of 13 billion litres per day (UK and US billion ).

Why not. Explain! You've barely had time to read them.

You had 6.5 E 9 x 1.5 = 2.25 E 12.